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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are expecting identical twin girls, and we’re having trouble with names. We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. We’re having a harder time coming up with names for our twins, in large part because my husband wants names that sound similar. I’ve heard testimony from numerous twins that this is not a good idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity.
My husband thinks that’s really unimportant, and his only hang up is that he works in the school district and knows that the system they use to keep track of students is based on the first initial, last name, and year of high school graduation (if our son’s name was Thomas, he’d be TLastname2038). Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters. He’s been sneaky about it too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle.
I’ve tried to compromise with theme naming—floral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that don’t sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. I know families have trouble with names all the time, but I’ve never heard of a situation like ours. Most of the time you hear of parents who each have ideas for names that the other parent always shoots down. In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. My husband thinks it’d be cute, I have heard testimony from (perhaps overdramatic) identical twins telling me being named Anna and Hannah ruined their lives.
—Twin Dilemma
Dear Twin Dilemma,
Go find your husband and make sure he’s sitting down with you while you read this. I’ll wait.
I’m an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but it’s made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika.
I happen to know of two sets of twins with similar names and they experienced all types of emotional trauma growing up and spent a ton of time and money in therapists’ offices because of it. Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? It’s completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes.
There’s not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldn’t allow that to happen to your precious children. There’s an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. Heck, I would even go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this — but don’t give in. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on.
Also, I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but I’ll spare you. Please don’t do that either.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/01/what-name-twins-parenting-rhyming-matching-advice.html
My husband and I are expecting identical twin girls, and we’re having trouble with names. We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. We’re having a harder time coming up with names for our twins, in large part because my husband wants names that sound similar. I’ve heard testimony from numerous twins that this is not a good idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity.
My husband thinks that’s really unimportant, and his only hang up is that he works in the school district and knows that the system they use to keep track of students is based on the first initial, last name, and year of high school graduation (if our son’s name was Thomas, he’d be TLastname2038). Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters. He’s been sneaky about it too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle.
I’ve tried to compromise with theme naming—floral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that don’t sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. I know families have trouble with names all the time, but I’ve never heard of a situation like ours. Most of the time you hear of parents who each have ideas for names that the other parent always shoots down. In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. My husband thinks it’d be cute, I have heard testimony from (perhaps overdramatic) identical twins telling me being named Anna and Hannah ruined their lives.
—Twin Dilemma
Dear Twin Dilemma,
Go find your husband and make sure he’s sitting down with you while you read this. I’ll wait.
I’m an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but it’s made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika.
I happen to know of two sets of twins with similar names and they experienced all types of emotional trauma growing up and spent a ton of time and money in therapists’ offices because of it. Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? It’s completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes.
There’s not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldn’t allow that to happen to your precious children. There’s an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. Heck, I would even go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this — but don’t give in. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on.
Also, I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but I’ll spare you. Please don’t do that either.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/01/what-name-twins-parenting-rhyming-matching-advice.html
no subject
We gave our daughters first and middle names that were similar in terms of being the same general type of name - about the same length, the same degree of fanciness/plain-ness, and so on - but not rhyming, nor the same initial. (And we would have done the same had they been identical after all.) I'm trying to think of a good example that isn't actually their names - say, Rebecca Anne and Caroline Jane. So (in this example) both have the same number of syllables, but the accents are on different syllables, and one first name ends with a vowel and one doesn't, and so on. Inevitably people sometimes forgot which name went with which girl, but that happens with lots of siblings.
no subject