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Dear Amy: My mother-in-law is causing a rift in the family that's hurting my husband.
We haven't been married long, and his divorce was a contentious one. His ex managed to delay every step of the divorce, and went after everything she could, including the house, which he ended up leaving to her just to bring the proceedings to an end.
My husband cried when he told his parents years ago how unhappy he was in the marriage, and his mother's response was only, "How will this affect the grandchildren?" While they were divorcing, she took the grand "children" (they're twins in their early 20s) and their mother to Disney World! Most recently, she took her grandchildren out to dinner on their birthday with – you guessed it – the ex, and not her son/us.
He and I have asked her and the rest of his family to wean off from socializing with the ex. My MIL claims she's afraid the ex will cut her and her husband off from their grandchildren because the ex is very manipulative and the twins are very immature (they don't drive, live with their mom, and have no life).
The rest of the extended family has respected our wishes to cut ties with the ex, but not my MIL, and this has been very hurtful to my husband. He feels like he doesn't have his own parents' support. (His father is passive and let's his wife do whatever she wants.)
Please advise us on what we can do. We do not want this dynamic to continue.
– Disturbed
Dear Disturbed: The way you describe this situation, your husband’s ex is the gatekeeper, controlling access to his grown children – or at least, your mother-in-law perceives it that way.
Ongoing contact with your husband’s ex makes you uncomfortable, but you can’t insist that it stop. Unless your mother-in-law is inviting the ex to family events, forcing her into proximity with you and your husband, you really have no say in how she chooses to conduct this relationship.
Your husband should work on maintaining a relationship with his sons. If he has a good relationship with them, his mother might not have to go through his ex to spend time with her grandsons.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2755271?fs
We haven't been married long, and his divorce was a contentious one. His ex managed to delay every step of the divorce, and went after everything she could, including the house, which he ended up leaving to her just to bring the proceedings to an end.
My husband cried when he told his parents years ago how unhappy he was in the marriage, and his mother's response was only, "How will this affect the grandchildren?" While they were divorcing, she took the grand "children" (they're twins in their early 20s) and their mother to Disney World! Most recently, she took her grandchildren out to dinner on their birthday with – you guessed it – the ex, and not her son/us.
He and I have asked her and the rest of his family to wean off from socializing with the ex. My MIL claims she's afraid the ex will cut her and her husband off from their grandchildren because the ex is very manipulative and the twins are very immature (they don't drive, live with their mom, and have no life).
The rest of the extended family has respected our wishes to cut ties with the ex, but not my MIL, and this has been very hurtful to my husband. He feels like he doesn't have his own parents' support. (His father is passive and let's his wife do whatever she wants.)
Please advise us on what we can do. We do not want this dynamic to continue.
– Disturbed
Dear Disturbed: The way you describe this situation, your husband’s ex is the gatekeeper, controlling access to his grown children – or at least, your mother-in-law perceives it that way.
Ongoing contact with your husband’s ex makes you uncomfortable, but you can’t insist that it stop. Unless your mother-in-law is inviting the ex to family events, forcing her into proximity with you and your husband, you really have no say in how she chooses to conduct this relationship.
Your husband should work on maintaining a relationship with his sons. If he has a good relationship with them, his mother might not have to go through his ex to spend time with her grandsons.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2755271?fs
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The kids are in their twenties. They may not be the most functional adults according to LW, but they are adults; they are capable of making their own choices. And it's husband's job to manage that relationship, not LW's.
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Yeah, I thought that too.