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Whole Man Disposal Brigade!
1. Dear Amy: I am a married woman in my mid-60s, now-retired. My sister (who is divorced) invited me on a " girl's trip" to hike the Scottish Highlands. We live on opposite coasts and do not see each other often.
When I told my husband about the trip, he gave me major pushback. Some of his objections are:
1. I would be spending our money on a vacation just for myself. (We are not rich, but this would be affordable.)
2. As a married woman, I should be reserving my travels for my husband, not with single women.
3. This will only lead to other trips without him.
4. He does not "believe" in girls’ trips.
My husband is very controlling. He would definitely make my life miserable if I accepted this invitation, so I turned it down, since I have to live with him. But what is more upsetting is that instead of being happy for me for getting an opportunity to do something fun and enriching, he is resentful and obstructionist.
He did say that he will only agree if he comes along, despite the fact that he has never wanted to do a trip like this! Am I in need of counseling? We have been married for 30 years and have had our ups and downs. I'd love to hear your take.
– Stuck Sister
Dear Stuck: “Girls’ trips” and “guys’ trips” are not articles of faith that a person needs to “believe in.” These sojourns, which range from simple afternoon hikes or rounds of golf to overseas excursions (like your sister’s) can be emotional ports of call for people, providing a way to reconnect with family members or friends without the pressure of performing for – or entertaining – spouses, partners, or children.
And – big bonus – many people return from these trips renewed and very happy to see their partners.
Many happily-together couples leave space for one another to take occasional trips like this, budgeting their funds accordingly.
It is ironic that your husband is insisting to go with you, all while he is demonstrating that he is probably the last person you would want to go anywhere with.
I would say that he is correct in this one regard: Yes, this will lead to you taking other trips without him – in your case, into the office of a counselor and/or a lawyer.
This episode has revealed your husband’s deep insecurity, expressed in his effort to repress, manipulate and control you.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2750554?fs
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2. DEAR ABBY: I have been married for five years. My husband and I are both past middle age and have been married before (me twice; three times for him). For much of our early marriage, my husband was ill. He required several surgeries and a lot of care. I never complained or felt burdened, yet the smallest ache or pain I have is, apparently, a "pain" for him.
As time has gone on, there are some things in our marriage that I frankly don't understand. We celebrate Father's Day and his birthday, but never Mother's Day or my birthday. My husband is sweet and charming to everyone, but often ignores or becomes very angry with me.
He has called me things he promised never to say. He makes excuses for not wanting to do things together. He spends upwards of 12 hours a day outside and seems to want to avoid me. He defends his friends when they say disrespectful things about me, citing the fact that he "doesn't want to lose old friends." He believes that whatever is said by others -- friends, family, etc. -- is my problem and I should just accept it. We have seen a marriage counselor and it has not helped us. Help me understand, please. -- UNDERVALUED IN NEBRASKA
DEAR UNDERVALUED: From your description, your husband is selfish, self-centered, lacks the ability to empathize or nurture and would rather allow his "friends" to disrespect the woman he married than confront them. (What a prize!) I hope you felt some psychic gratification from taking care of him when he so badly needed it, because it appears that is all you are going to get from this relationship.
My question for you is: How long are you willing to tolerate being treated this way? Many women would prefer to be alone than living the life you are. You deserve better than what you have been getting, and I sincerely hope you will have the courage to go for it.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2753195
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3. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I honestly don’t know if he does it just to bug me, or if he has a problem, but my husband loves, and I mean loves, to tell me about his daily poo successes. I tell him I am not at all interested, but that doesn’t seem to stop him.
I asked his mother about this, and she just laughed and said this is what he has done since he was a little boy and he would do it to get under her skin. She said the best thing to do is just ignore it, and he’ll stop. But I do, and he doesn’t.
What do I have to do to convince my husband I’m really not interested in his daily bowel functions? --- DON’T NEED OR WANT TO KNOW
DEAR DON’T NEED OR WANT TO KNOW: There most certainly are people who are more than casually invested in their bowel habits, for a number of reasons, some of which are healthier than others. In your husband’s case, it’s possible, as his mother suggests, that he’s just trying to get a rise out of you with his oversharing.
If ignoring his updates isn’t doing the trick, then maybe it’s time to have a more serious conversation with him about whether or not he needs to seek medical advice regarding either the nature of his bowel habits, or his apparent fascination with them. If he’s just trying to get a reaction out of you, the suggestion he has a real issue might shut him down. If he truly does have an abnormal obsession going on, then perhaps seeking professional help would be worth pursuing.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2022/11/22
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4. DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is a big conspiracy theorist. He watches these shows and then comes to tell me all the half-cocked stories that he has heard about the End of Days, aliens and other extreme things that he believes are happening in the world. I have no interest in hearing any of this. It makes me frustrated, but he insists that I sit with him and listen to whatever he just spent hours watching on YouTube. I have had enough. When I push back, he sulks. How can I preserve my sanity as he seems to be losing his? -- Need A Firewall
DEAR NEED A FIREWALL: Allow your husband a half-hour of your time on a scheduled basis when he can download whatever he needs to get off his chest. You can endure that length of time, but you must make him stick to the schedule. Tell him clearly that you are not interested in these things, but you are willing to listen for a short time as long as he honors your agreement on time limits. If he goes over or invades your space when you are not interested in engaging, interrupt him and tell him it is not the time for his stories. He will get mad, but if you get up and walk away to enforce your boundaries, he will get over it in time.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2751571
When I told my husband about the trip, he gave me major pushback. Some of his objections are:
1. I would be spending our money on a vacation just for myself. (We are not rich, but this would be affordable.)
2. As a married woman, I should be reserving my travels for my husband, not with single women.
3. This will only lead to other trips without him.
4. He does not "believe" in girls’ trips.
My husband is very controlling. He would definitely make my life miserable if I accepted this invitation, so I turned it down, since I have to live with him. But what is more upsetting is that instead of being happy for me for getting an opportunity to do something fun and enriching, he is resentful and obstructionist.
He did say that he will only agree if he comes along, despite the fact that he has never wanted to do a trip like this! Am I in need of counseling? We have been married for 30 years and have had our ups and downs. I'd love to hear your take.
– Stuck Sister
Dear Stuck: “Girls’ trips” and “guys’ trips” are not articles of faith that a person needs to “believe in.” These sojourns, which range from simple afternoon hikes or rounds of golf to overseas excursions (like your sister’s) can be emotional ports of call for people, providing a way to reconnect with family members or friends without the pressure of performing for – or entertaining – spouses, partners, or children.
And – big bonus – many people return from these trips renewed and very happy to see their partners.
Many happily-together couples leave space for one another to take occasional trips like this, budgeting their funds accordingly.
It is ironic that your husband is insisting to go with you, all while he is demonstrating that he is probably the last person you would want to go anywhere with.
I would say that he is correct in this one regard: Yes, this will lead to you taking other trips without him – in your case, into the office of a counselor and/or a lawyer.
This episode has revealed your husband’s deep insecurity, expressed in his effort to repress, manipulate and control you.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2750554?fs
2. DEAR ABBY: I have been married for five years. My husband and I are both past middle age and have been married before (me twice; three times for him). For much of our early marriage, my husband was ill. He required several surgeries and a lot of care. I never complained or felt burdened, yet the smallest ache or pain I have is, apparently, a "pain" for him.
As time has gone on, there are some things in our marriage that I frankly don't understand. We celebrate Father's Day and his birthday, but never Mother's Day or my birthday. My husband is sweet and charming to everyone, but often ignores or becomes very angry with me.
He has called me things he promised never to say. He makes excuses for not wanting to do things together. He spends upwards of 12 hours a day outside and seems to want to avoid me. He defends his friends when they say disrespectful things about me, citing the fact that he "doesn't want to lose old friends." He believes that whatever is said by others -- friends, family, etc. -- is my problem and I should just accept it. We have seen a marriage counselor and it has not helped us. Help me understand, please. -- UNDERVALUED IN NEBRASKA
DEAR UNDERVALUED: From your description, your husband is selfish, self-centered, lacks the ability to empathize or nurture and would rather allow his "friends" to disrespect the woman he married than confront them. (What a prize!) I hope you felt some psychic gratification from taking care of him when he so badly needed it, because it appears that is all you are going to get from this relationship.
My question for you is: How long are you willing to tolerate being treated this way? Many women would prefer to be alone than living the life you are. You deserve better than what you have been getting, and I sincerely hope you will have the courage to go for it.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2753195
3. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I honestly don’t know if he does it just to bug me, or if he has a problem, but my husband loves, and I mean loves, to tell me about his daily poo successes. I tell him I am not at all interested, but that doesn’t seem to stop him.
I asked his mother about this, and she just laughed and said this is what he has done since he was a little boy and he would do it to get under her skin. She said the best thing to do is just ignore it, and he’ll stop. But I do, and he doesn’t.
What do I have to do to convince my husband I’m really not interested in his daily bowel functions? --- DON’T NEED OR WANT TO KNOW
DEAR DON’T NEED OR WANT TO KNOW: There most certainly are people who are more than casually invested in their bowel habits, for a number of reasons, some of which are healthier than others. In your husband’s case, it’s possible, as his mother suggests, that he’s just trying to get a rise out of you with his oversharing.
If ignoring his updates isn’t doing the trick, then maybe it’s time to have a more serious conversation with him about whether or not he needs to seek medical advice regarding either the nature of his bowel habits, or his apparent fascination with them. If he’s just trying to get a reaction out of you, the suggestion he has a real issue might shut him down. If he truly does have an abnormal obsession going on, then perhaps seeking professional help would be worth pursuing.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2022/11/22
4. DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is a big conspiracy theorist. He watches these shows and then comes to tell me all the half-cocked stories that he has heard about the End of Days, aliens and other extreme things that he believes are happening in the world. I have no interest in hearing any of this. It makes me frustrated, but he insists that I sit with him and listen to whatever he just spent hours watching on YouTube. I have had enough. When I push back, he sulks. How can I preserve my sanity as he seems to be losing his? -- Need A Firewall
DEAR NEED A FIREWALL: Allow your husband a half-hour of your time on a scheduled basis when he can download whatever he needs to get off his chest. You can endure that length of time, but you must make him stick to the schedule. Tell him clearly that you are not interested in these things, but you are willing to listen for a short time as long as he honors your agreement on time limits. If he goes over or invades your space when you are not interested in engaging, interrupt him and tell him it is not the time for his stories. He will get mad, but if you get up and walk away to enforce your boundaries, he will get over it in time.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2751571
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That's all I need to see. LW, you don't need to live with him. Get a divorce.
I understand why Amy didn't straight up call his behavior abusive, but I think she ought to have.
2. Nothing to say here, really.
3. Oh god, the problem isn't the poop, the problem is that he is a boor. And also a bore, that too. Divorce is too good for him - I recommend an air horn.
4. You can't save people from conspiracy theories, just like you can't save them from cults or addiction or abusive relationships. All you can do is protect yourself.
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*BWAAAAAAAAMP*
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Yeah Hariette is the Mayor of Wrongtown and her advice is in the dictionary under "And you ask yourself, how much more wrong could this advice be, and the answer is none. None more wrong."
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Half an hour a day? Nope nope nope nope nope. This makes me think of the time I told my ex I wasn't happy about a household purchase he'd made without my input, because we didn't need the item and really didn't have the money for it; he wrote down four points about why he'd bought it and then spent twenty minutes expounding on reason #1 before I bailed, and I spent the next several days terrified that he was going to start on points #2-4.
(Also, if you do have the "I will listen to you for a short time" arrangement, it needs to be reciprocal. The first time the other person blows you off when you're talking about something that interests you and not them is the last time that you listen to them ride their hobbyhorse.)
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If you love him, maybe you should be more worried about something other than personal annoyance?
(Deprogramming isn't easy, but the first step is to reduce the supply; are there other things you could get him to do that aren't watching youtube videos? Things you could watch together? Places you could go or projects you could work on? I realize this might involve actually interacting with him about or showing interest in other things he likes though.)
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#3 I also know this guy. And if he wasn't happily married to the female version of himself he would be a terrible person. But they share their stories with each other and thankfully not with many more folks. There is a lid for every pot.
#2 and #4 should run, don't walk, to the nearest divorce lawyer.