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Dear Amy: My wife’s nephew “Chris” is going through a divorce. Chris and his wife “Jan” have two children. Jan has always had a positive relationship with our family.
Their divorce has been a cordial parting of ways, but my wife’s family now wishes to ghost Jan. I feel bad ghosting Jan, but I risk alienating my wife and her family by being cordial.
I feel like calling her to express my sadness that I can’t talk to her, and that I hope she understands, but even that would seem risky. I don’t think being estranged for no good reason is healthy, and I feel bad about it. Common sense tells me to stay out of it, but can you say something that will make me feel not so bad about it?
– Middled
Dear Middled: Unfortunately, I can’t help you to feel better about your wife’s clan’s choice to deliberately initiate an estrangement. If they succeed, “Chris’” children will be forced to continually split their time and attention, not only between their two parents, but now extending into other generations. For instance, they will learn that they won’t be able to tell one set of grandparents about experiences with the other set. They will train themselves never to mention their mother in front of their father’s family.
And thus the emotional editing begins.
Furthermore, if your wife’s family would punish you for simply being kind and cordial to “Jan,” this reflects extremely poorly on all of them. “Circling the wagons” following a break-up is expected. Families will show loyalty, and in my opinion, this is mainly demonstrating supportive behavior during a challenging time. I certainly hope that Chris will actively discourage this “ghosting,” however.
Nor should you play along. No, you should not contact Jan to tell her you’re sorry you won’t be able to speak to her. This would only insert you into their drama. Yes, you could contact her to say that you’re sorry that this break-up is happening, that you always enjoyed her presence in the family, and that you hope she and the children do well through the process.
If your wife and her family confront you about this, you can simply remind them that you are an adult and that they are not in charge of you.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2748759?fs
Their divorce has been a cordial parting of ways, but my wife’s family now wishes to ghost Jan. I feel bad ghosting Jan, but I risk alienating my wife and her family by being cordial.
I feel like calling her to express my sadness that I can’t talk to her, and that I hope she understands, but even that would seem risky. I don’t think being estranged for no good reason is healthy, and I feel bad about it. Common sense tells me to stay out of it, but can you say something that will make me feel not so bad about it?
– Middled
Dear Middled: Unfortunately, I can’t help you to feel better about your wife’s clan’s choice to deliberately initiate an estrangement. If they succeed, “Chris’” children will be forced to continually split their time and attention, not only between their two parents, but now extending into other generations. For instance, they will learn that they won’t be able to tell one set of grandparents about experiences with the other set. They will train themselves never to mention their mother in front of their father’s family.
And thus the emotional editing begins.
Furthermore, if your wife’s family would punish you for simply being kind and cordial to “Jan,” this reflects extremely poorly on all of them. “Circling the wagons” following a break-up is expected. Families will show loyalty, and in my opinion, this is mainly demonstrating supportive behavior during a challenging time. I certainly hope that Chris will actively discourage this “ghosting,” however.
Nor should you play along. No, you should not contact Jan to tell her you’re sorry you won’t be able to speak to her. This would only insert you into their drama. Yes, you could contact her to say that you’re sorry that this break-up is happening, that you always enjoyed her presence in the family, and that you hope she and the children do well through the process.
If your wife and her family confront you about this, you can simply remind them that you are an adult and that they are not in charge of you.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2748759?fs
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Anyway, LW 's Wife clearly does not understand that This Thing Her Family Does is super toxic - and it's infested LW if they don't understand that they don't have to play along. How many other super toxic things has her family normalized? If the penalty for refusing to go along with the game plan is "alienating" your own spouse, I suspect it's a lot of stuff.
Wife could benefit from therapy. She might only get it if LW insists on doing it together.
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Winter holiday card time is coming up shortly. It would not be at all amiss to send Jan a card, addressed from and signed, simply, "Uncle Middled". This sends a clear message that even if the rest of the family doesn't want to speak with her, that you're still there. Include your phone number in the card to indicate that you still very much want to be on speaking terms.
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