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Two letters about distant relatives
1. DEAR ABBY: Recently, my wife told me her brothers have been mad at her for more than a decade and don't talk to her because of something I said at a family get-together 12 years ago. I asked what they were mad about and what the discussion was about that upset them, but they didn't say -- they just quit contacting her. To me, it's childish and rude to treat their sister that way. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions? -- DID NOT KNOW IN THE SOUTH
DEAR DID NOT: Yes, I do. The term for what your wife's brothers have been doing is "passive aggression." Because your wife's brothers aren't willing to address the issue, nothing can be done to resolve it. This is why I suggest the two of you -- and whatever other relatives you do get along with -- go on with your lives and waste no more time looking back.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2743987
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2. DEAR HARRIETTE: I was raised by my grandmother. My mother was very hands-off with me growing up, and I've never met my father. I'm in college now, and my mother has been randomly making an effort to be more involved in my life. She will occasionally send money and gifts. All that she really asks in return is that I call her at least once a week and see her when I can. It may seem cold, but I don't really wish to have a relationship with her if it is going to be so transactional. I feel that she is trying to buy her way back into my life, and while I could really use the money, it doesn't necessarily make up for her absence. Would it be harsh to tell her that she is doing too little, too late? -- Can't Be Bought
DEAR CAN'T BE BOUGHT: Your relationship with your mother is awkward. It sounds like she is trying to find a way in with you. Bribing you with money may be all she could think of. See if you can revise the terms of engagement a bit. Be honest. Tell her that it's nice that she is making an effort to connect with you, but it is also hard for you. Point out that you are in college now and learning a new schedule. Don't promise to follow a prescriptive time for talking to her unless she is willing to share in picking up the phone and calling, too. Instead, agree to talk to each other more. Thank her for the money. Tell her you are grateful, and don't get into what may feel like a bribe. Accept it when it comes without agreeing to anything that makes you uncomfortable. Be willing to not receive money if you don't comply.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2744070
DEAR DID NOT: Yes, I do. The term for what your wife's brothers have been doing is "passive aggression." Because your wife's brothers aren't willing to address the issue, nothing can be done to resolve it. This is why I suggest the two of you -- and whatever other relatives you do get along with -- go on with your lives and waste no more time looking back.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2743987
2. DEAR HARRIETTE: I was raised by my grandmother. My mother was very hands-off with me growing up, and I've never met my father. I'm in college now, and my mother has been randomly making an effort to be more involved in my life. She will occasionally send money and gifts. All that she really asks in return is that I call her at least once a week and see her when I can. It may seem cold, but I don't really wish to have a relationship with her if it is going to be so transactional. I feel that she is trying to buy her way back into my life, and while I could really use the money, it doesn't necessarily make up for her absence. Would it be harsh to tell her that she is doing too little, too late? -- Can't Be Bought
DEAR CAN'T BE BOUGHT: Your relationship with your mother is awkward. It sounds like she is trying to find a way in with you. Bribing you with money may be all she could think of. See if you can revise the terms of engagement a bit. Be honest. Tell her that it's nice that she is making an effort to connect with you, but it is also hard for you. Point out that you are in college now and learning a new schedule. Don't promise to follow a prescriptive time for talking to her unless she is willing to share in picking up the phone and calling, too. Instead, agree to talk to each other more. Thank her for the money. Tell her you are grateful, and don't get into what may feel like a bribe. Accept it when it comes without agreeing to anything that makes you uncomfortable. Be willing to not receive money if you don't comply.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2744070
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What I am sure about is that if two people cut off contact based on this conversation a decade ago, it is very likely that either they very much *did* tell LW and Wife what's up, or it was so egregious that they really ought to know without having to be told.
I mean, obviously they must have said something or LW and Wife wouldn't even know that it was about this conversation!
2. God, Harriette's writing style is so choppy. It's painful to read!
And so wordy for what really merits only three words - "Not too harsh!"
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But yeah, something's weird here. Has LW's wife known all along that the brothers cut contact because of this conversation whose topic she's unaware of, or was she telling a relative that she hasn't heard from the bros in a decade and the relative said "you know it's because of what LW said at that family gathering, don't you?" (And in that case, why didn't the relative know what was said?)
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Yeah. I consider myself close with my parents, but we talk via text at random intervals. When I was at university we went weeks without speaking. (Though I did write letters home fairly regularly because my mother likes them.)