agonyaunt | (no subject)

Last year, my parents told me they were getting a divorce after over 25 years of marriage. My mother was filing; my dad still wanted to work things out. I, myself, had just married the month before, and my wife is close with my parents. Their divorce was devastating news for us both at a time that was supposed to be joyful.

My mother is, by nature, a private person. Aside from “It just didn’t work out” and “It was a mistake,” she offered few details.

Naturally, I’ve questioned my mother at length about her reasons for the divorce. In total, I’ve probably spent more than 12 hours asking her questions. While I’ve gotten a few concrete answers about how she felt in the marriage, for most of my questions she either wouldn’t answer or would give some ambiguous response. Or she would blame my father for things that happened 20 years ago. Other answers I received: “That’s between your dad and me,” “That’s not something you need to know” and, my favorite, “That’s not really your business.” I still don’t have a clear sense of why my mother wanted a divorce in the first place. On the other hand, my father has been very open about his mistakes throughout their marriage and what he wishes he had done differently.

Is my parents’ divorce really none of my business? I’m close with both of them and lived in the family home through the five-month divorce process while my wife and I were preparing to move across the country for my job. We had a front-row seat to what was happening. Divorce can be a traumatic event for children, no matter how old they are, and being kept in the dark certainly doesn’t help. Name Withheld

Your mother is, as you say, a private person. Although the questions you have are perfectly understandable, you are not entitled to answers. It’s for her to decide what to share. Your father, by contrast, has been quite forthcoming. And yet, despite all he’s told you, you still feel in the dark. Maybe the issue isn’t so much understanding what happened as it is accepting it. That’s something you can work on without extracting more from your mother. This starts by acknowledging that even if you think the divorce was a mistake — as you plainly do — the mistake was hers to make.

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/01/magazine/donation-ethics.html

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Yeah, divorce can be traumatizing to kids, but having Mom trash Dad would not actually make it less traumatizing.

And columnist is exactly right - LW does know why Mom is getting a divorce, they just don't like it. Mom told them details from 20 years ago, LW doesn't like it. Dad told them about his faults, LW doesn't like it. The fact that LW doesn't think these things are valid does not mean they are not valid.

If you can count the hours that you've been badgering your mother, I think you may have taken some very wrong steps somewhere.

Mmhmmm.

Seriously, that poor woman. I find it hard to be sympathetic to LW when they're whining about how this was meant to be a happy time for THEM.

And here's me wishing my parents would go the opposite way about their continued marriage and stop venting to me about the things that bug them about each other. Be glad, LW. You don't actually want their dirty laundry in your brain.

Buuut, anyway, if you really feel that you need information to make sense of the world splitting in two, just say so to your mother. "I really don't understand this and it's hurting me. I really need your help. What you've told me doesn't add up for me. Can I ask some more questions? Maybe I could write them down, so you can write down the answers for me at your leisure, in comfort?"

If she's private in the way I am, writing it down would be easier than face-to-face or a phone call. I'm happy to tell most people anything in writing, but hate putting voice to it.

LW, you really need someone to talk to to process your parents' divorce, but I don't think it's either of your parents.

A therapist would be ideal! Leave your mother alone, LW!

"Comfort in, dump out."

I, myself, had just married the month before ... Their divorce was devastating news for us both at a time that was supposed to be joyful.

Good grief, she's not getting divorced at you, LW, and a month after the marriage is a generous buffer between celebration and shitty news. You're not entitled to know every last thought that crosses your mother's mind regarding her marriage and her reasons for dissolving it. It's upsetting and seems to be threatening your sense of self/how the world works, so you probably ought to find yourself a therapist to work through these things.

All of this.

My only question would be on the timing of LW's living at the family home while preparing to move -- was this a plan that LW's mother was aware of before she filed, or did the circumstances work out that way after the divorce was already in progress? If LWM knew that her kid would be staying with them for a few months and that there was a definite end date, it might have been kinder to kid for Mom to wait to file until kid moved out. (And on the other hand, LW's an adult, and theoretically they could've moved out and slept on a friend's couch so they didn't have to deal with this.)

LW, it's none of your damn business. Your parents are divorcing; that sucks; that especially sucks when you've just started your own marriage. Nonetheless, you're not entitled to any more information than they've given you, and you are definitely not entitled to demand that your mother justify her decision to your satisfaction.

Naturally, I’ve questioned my mother at length about her reasons for the divorce. In total, I’ve probably spent more than 12 hours asking her questions.

..."Naturally"??? Not as far as I'm concerned. Wow. Way out of line.

Divorce can be a traumatic event for children, no matter how old they are

This received a big ol eye roll from me. You are an adult, LW. You should have and deploy an adult's coping skills, and if you don't have any, it is time to get some. You should respect your parents' divorce the same way you should respect one from any other adult of your acquaintance. Don't think it's cute or somehow okay for you to fall back on the toddler's eternal "But why? But whyyyy? Buuuutttt whyyyyy?" (for over twelve hours!) just because these fellow adults are your parents.

Also, it totally feels like LW is taking the dad's side and therewith badgering the mom, which, such a child she DOES NOT NEED. Butt out; it really is none of your business, and definitely your mother doesn't need you having the sheer gall to try to enter the fray as if she can't make her own decision about her own marriage.

I agree that LW would do better to work on their own feelings and leave Mom alone, but I feel like those five months living in the same house as LW's divorcing parents probably exacerbated the problem a lot. It's hard to get distance from distress and confusion when the people you're distressed and confused about are right there all the time. Hopefully moving to the other side of the country will help.

I wonder if this is the most actual attention he's ever given his mother.... if they were 'close' maybe he'd have picked up on problems before this.

LW, what do you even want from her? She doesn't want to be married to him. Your badgering can't change that. Whether or not you think she has "good enough" reasons can't change that. What do you think the alternative is? She should have stayed unhappily married and never said a word, so that you could keep telling yourself a (false) story about how your family of origin was Just Fine Thanks? You haven't been kept in the dark at all. You apparently WISH you'd been kept in the dark, no matter how much your mother had to pay for your blissful ignorance. (How many years has she already paid? How long have you been pretending, and how long has she been letting you? Apparently you think there's no limit to how long she should be willing to suffer for your comfort.)

This is what always baffles me about divorce/breakup letters. What do these LWs think the options are? There's no magic rewind button to press, to go back to a time when (you could tell yourself) everything was okay. Would it actually make anyone happier for someone to hit a pretend-undo button and go back into a relationship everyone now knows they want to leave, because their ex or their family or whoever badgered them into it? What's the GOAL here???

I mean, that's mostly a rhetorical question. LW doesn't have a goal, just a lot of Feelings that they want to punish their mom for evoking. Which is what they're really doing - "now I feel bad, and am questioning my certainties, and that's YOUR FAULT so I'm going to make you suffer for it." They should absolutely be dumping all those feelings into therapy and shut the hell up about it to mom.

Dear LW,

Yes, divorce can be a traumatic even for children but you are not a child. You are an adult and should be old enough to understand that some things are not your business and that prying does nothing good for anyone.

No love,

Me