agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a parent of five daughters between the ages of 5 and 14, and I’m confused about tattling. From what I understand, tattling is telling an adult when another kid has done something wrong—and in my eyes, that’s a good thing. For perspective, it turns out that my 9-year-old has been bullied for three years (thank goodness it’s stopped now), and she was frequently telling the teacher of incidents. However, this was dismissed as tattling, and nothing was done to help her. So, what is tattling? Was my daughter doing it? And is it good or bad?

— Mother of a Possible Tattletale

Dear Mother of a Possible Tattletale,

I have a few hot buttons when it comes to parenting. In the short time since I started writing this column, I’ve already established myself as the “Don’t put your kid on a diet” columnist. Congratulations, you’ve now unlocked Crazy Consent Mom. Bear with me, because this is related.

Because I was sexually assaulted as an adolescent, I knew I wanted to educate my son about consent, something I don’t think most boys learn about in a meaningful way. I also knew that if he were ever to be assaulted, I would want him to know to speak up. For a variety of reasons, when it happened to me, I never told a soul, and as a result didn’t really start dealing with the assault and its aftermath until my mid-20s.

Abusers often tell children to keep a secret, and threaten them with what will happen if they don’t. So while “tattling” usually refers to telling on behavior a child witnesses between other kids, I don’t like teaching children a concept that says they will ever get in trouble for coming to you with information or talking to you about how they feel.

If the “tattling” issue is really intolerable, some people teach children the difference between tattling (a child complaining about another child’s behavior instead of working it out amongst themselves) and reporting (a child informing someone of necessary information when someone is being hurt or in danger of being hurt). Bullying would be considered a reportable issue, not a tattling one.

But to me, the stakes are just too high to teach our kids to be silent and stop bothering with their issues. If your kid comes to you with something they feel is important, listen to them. Sure 90 percent of the time it’s going to be a nonsensical monologue about the inner workings of Roblox (just me?) but they need to know you take their concerns seriously. Then they will be more likely to come to you when it really matters.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/open-marriage-advice-children.html

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Tattling" is the word adults use when they don't actually want to bother with whatever it is the kid is telling them.

And to be fair, sometimes that's fair! Sometimes nobody really needs to know that Jason F. isn't cleaning out his desk during the end-of-the-month "clean out your desk time" or that Maya said "that's so boring" when the teacher wrote the homework assignment on the board.

Sometimes kids "tattle" more to get other kids into trouble than because anybody has actually been wronged or is in danger, or because they're unclear on what sort of information the adults really need to know about.

But if you just brush away all this sort of thing, or worse, scold kids for coming to you with problems, then sooner or later you get a kid who really ought to have come to you but didn't.

And whose fault is that?

(Nah, these folks still blame the kids.)

Shame the teacher never learned the difference between "tattling" and reporting.

The tattletale stigma is part of the same victim-blaming culture that penalizes whistleblowers, survivors of sexual assault who speak up, members of dysfunctional families who call out the missing stairs instead of quietly stepping over them, etc. The fundamental principle here is that it's the person who REPORTS the problem, who makes a fuss, that is the real problem - not whatever injustice or evil they bring up, but the fact that they dared to bring it up at all.

This is toxic bullshit. DO NOT participate in socializing children that they just have to take whatever shit they're given or gain the terrible stain of "tattletale" upon their name forever. Children have the right to report harm and injustice to adults; adults have a responsibility to the children under their care, to try to set things right. Dismissing a kid's report of being bullied as "tattling" is abdicating that responsibility and teaching the kid that their well-being means nothing to the adults in control of their lives.

Also, LW, wtf is wrong with you that you find it so difficult to be on your daughter's side about anything, including people hurting her. Maybe that's why, for THREE YEARS, you didn't hear anything (that you remember, anyway) about the bullying - she knew you weren't interested.

OMG this a thousand times this, to absolutely everything you've said here. this letter made me wave my tiny fists in rage.

Looks to me like the school's efforts to gaslight the child have been successful. They are working on gaslighting the LW, but she is (thank goodness!) suspicious enough to ask for outside advice.

SO MUCH THIS.

Bug's preschool teacher (and every teacher since has reinforced this) taught her that the difference between tattling, which you shouldn't do, and telling, which you should, is whether someone is or might be hurt. Is a friend not cleaning up when they're supposed to be and you want the teacher to know? That's tattling, and noticing that is the teacher's job, not yours. Is a friend behaving in an unsafe manner or hurting someone and you want the teacher to intervene? That's telling (also known as "getting help") and it's very important. Knowing when to ask a grown-up for help and when to work it out among kids is also an important skill, and there are definitely years when reporting someone breaking the rules is developmentally appropriate and extremely aggravating for the adults in charge, but dismissing all reports of wrongdoing as "tattling" rather than working on the social-emotional skills to tell the difference is a sign of a poor teacher.

Yep.

Jane is eating jam donuts in a school that only allows fresh fruit? Telling the teacher is tattling, because no one is being hurt

Jane is eating peanut butter sandwiches while sitting close to Tim who is deathly allergic to peanuts, in a nut-free school - telling the teacher is TELLING, it's a major safety issue

This is the distinction we've tried to teach Middle and Youngest as well, especially Youngest who loves to say "MOOOOOMMMMMM! Middle is [admittedly breaking a household rule, but there's no immediate danger to person or property]."

Another variant we've used is "Are you telling the adult so that someone gets in trouble, or are you telling them so that someone gets help?" If your goal is to get someone in trouble, you're probably tattling. If your goal is to get someone help, you aren't. (If the answer is "both!", it's normal to want someone to get in trouble for hurting someone else, but let's focus on the person who needs help.)

I think that's a great way to frame it.

we try to use this framing, too. the kids aren't always on board -- my older child is EXTREMELY fond of trying to get the younger one in trouble for the most penny-ante bullcrap technically-rulebreaking available -- but it's a distinction we hope they will get eventually.