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(no subject)
Dear Prudence,
My ex and I had a one-night stand that ended in a pregnancy. Neither one of us was in a position to be a parent, but she couldn’t stand the thought of getting an abortion. We actually did have a great family lined up to adopt the baby, but my ex’s religious nut of a mother messed with her head and guilted her into keeping the baby. At this point, I offered to sign away my parental rights because I was just tired of the entire situation. They accepted and the grandparents adopted the baby. I haven’t heard from them since and went on with my life.
The kid is now an adult and has been messaging me on social media and wants “answers.” I had already sent them our full medical history and a short explanation about the circumstances of the conception (aka us being young, dumb kids). I wished them well but said I would rather not continue contact. They still want “answers” and are asking to meet face-to-face. What are my ethical obligations here?
I have been told by other people the kid deserves closure but closure over what? There is a biological link but that is it. I had nothing to do with how they were raised and I don’t feel anything particular about them. I also don’t want to particularly cause them pain. What should I do?
—Sperm Donor
Dear Sperm Donor,
The kid does deserve closure. They didn’t ask to be born to someone who signed their right to parenthood away. But they’re not going to get closure—or anything of value —from a person who doesn’t “feel anything in particular about them” and who is clearly still bitter about the entire saga. Something about the tone of your letter tells me you’d cause your child more pain by being in touch than by remaining firm about no contact.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/wife-work-from-home-buddy-dear-prudence-advice.html
My ex and I had a one-night stand that ended in a pregnancy. Neither one of us was in a position to be a parent, but she couldn’t stand the thought of getting an abortion. We actually did have a great family lined up to adopt the baby, but my ex’s religious nut of a mother messed with her head and guilted her into keeping the baby. At this point, I offered to sign away my parental rights because I was just tired of the entire situation. They accepted and the grandparents adopted the baby. I haven’t heard from them since and went on with my life.
The kid is now an adult and has been messaging me on social media and wants “answers.” I had already sent them our full medical history and a short explanation about the circumstances of the conception (aka us being young, dumb kids). I wished them well but said I would rather not continue contact. They still want “answers” and are asking to meet face-to-face. What are my ethical obligations here?
I have been told by other people the kid deserves closure but closure over what? There is a biological link but that is it. I had nothing to do with how they were raised and I don’t feel anything particular about them. I also don’t want to particularly cause them pain. What should I do?
—Sperm Donor
Dear Sperm Donor,
The kid does deserve closure. They didn’t ask to be born to someone who signed their right to parenthood away. But they’re not going to get closure—or anything of value —from a person who doesn’t “feel anything in particular about them” and who is clearly still bitter about the entire saga. Something about the tone of your letter tells me you’d cause your child more pain by being in touch than by remaining firm about no contact.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/wife-work-from-home-buddy-dear-prudence-advice.html
no subject
LW's given their offspring information. Sure, if LW were willing, he could meet the person he co-created, but LW isn't willing.
That said, one thing that's missing from LW's letter: are there other people who are entitled to know about the child who LW should give information to and give the option of contacting the child if they so choose? If LW has other children, they may be too young now, but at some point they should be told that they have a half-sibling; they might want to pursue a relationship as adults. If LW's parents are living, would they be interested in meeting their biological grandchild, and would the young person be interested in meeting them -- and does LW need to tell them they have a grandchild before they find out from the child contacting them or from taking DNA tests themselves?