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Two letters about non-cis people, and one about a bathroom
1. DEAR ABBY: My 9-year-old daughter, "Kennedy," plays volleyball. One of the assistant coaches is a transgender woman. I had known about the coach before Kennedy started playing. Although I'm OK with a transgender person coaching my child (I feel their gender identity is absolutely none of my business), my husband is not. He wants our daughter to quit a sport she loves so she won't be "exposed" to something he doesn't agree with. He is not transphobic, just very conservative, and he doesn't want Kennedy growing up around it.
We're trying to steer her in the right direction with our Christian beliefs, which include loving and accepting everyone. The coach doesn't broadcast the fact that she's transgender; my daughter learned about it from a teammate. There is no other volleyball team in the area. How can I convince my husband to let her stay with a sport and team she loves? -- SPORTY MOM IN THE SOUTH
DEAR MOM: Actually, your husband IS transphobic and possibly homophobic as well. He may think that by forbidding Kennedy from participating in volleyball, he is protecting her. However, what he fails to understand is that children are already aware. Her friend certainly is.
As Kennedy grows older, she is going to meet many people who are "different" -- different races, religions and sexual orientations. As a good Christian, she should accept and love them for who they are. She should not be punished by being forced to drop an activity she loves.
P.S. Has your husband actually MET the assistant coach? Perhaps he should approach her at a practice and introduce himself, so he can get to know her as a fellow human being.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2740145
***********************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife, her brother, and his wife all grew up in a rural, conservative part of their state. My wife and I are both women and when my wife came out to my BIL and SIL 10 years ago, it sparked a huge change in them. Unprompted, they starting reading books, listening to podcasts and re-thinking their politics. All of their work led them to become the absolutely incredible allies they are today. When my wife and I got married ten years ago, my BIL and SIL’s 2 kids were really young (2 and 4 years old). Now in their teens/tweens, both kids identify as part of the LGTBQ community. Here’s where I’m stuck: their oldest kid, Dana, was assigned female at birth and has identified as non-binary and used they/them pronouns for the last few years. No problem for my BIL and SIL.
Earlier this summer, I was introducing Dana to some friends and someone asked “what pronouns do you use” and Dana responded “I use he/him pronouns.” Up to this point, I’d been referring to Dana as my nibling and using they/them pronouns. After Dana shared different preferred pronouns, I quickly said “My apologies, I’ve been using they/them pronouns, do you want me to use he/him from now on?” he said yes and that was that. Later that night, I asked my BIL and SIL if they knew Dana was using he/him pronouns and they said yes they know, but that they feel it’s a phase and that all the kids in Dana’s friend group are trying to out queer each other. Which, maybe! ALL kids try on lots of identities as they grow up—and this is the first generation that’s really had the language and space to openly exist at various places on the gender and sexuality spectrum.
I’m miffed as to why Dana using he/him pronouns is a barrier for my BIL and SIL. They know and are supportive of trans people. They were quick to support Dana’s use of they/them pronouns and non-binary identity. It seems harmful to just dismiss it as “kids being kids,” even if that’s exactly what it is. How do I refer to Dana when talking to my BIL and SIL when Dana’s not around? It seems disrespectful to not use his correct pronouns, but also BIL and SIL don’t use those pronouns, so it seems pretty aggressive to start using pronouns for their child that differ from the ones they use. Is there something else I should say? My wife and I are very close to BIL and SIL, but we don’t comment on each other’s parenting—each couple parents differently than the other, which is good and fine! It seems meddlesome to bring it up many months after the fact, when we haven’t talked about it since.
—Allied Auntie
Dear AA,
It may seem meddlesome to bring this stuff up months after your last conversation, but sometimes, meddling is appropriate. When you speak to your BIL and SIL next, ask about Dana and use his preferred pronouns. If his parents continue to refer to him otherwise, you can tell them that while you understand their concerns that Dana is just going through a phase, it be harmful to dismiss his feelings and that it isn’t for them to decide what is or isn’t valid when it comes to how he chooses to identify. Yes, it is possible that Dana is in an exploratory period and he may change pronouns yet again; Dana won’t be harmed if they go along with these changes, nothing bad will happen if they start referring to him as ‘he.’ However, Dana absolutely can be harmed by the refusal to refer to him as he sees fit and to embrace his identity as he has presented it to his parents.
Also, remind these “allies” that young people deserve the space to safely figure out who they are without fear of being rejected or dismissed by their parents. By embracing Dana’s choice of ‘they/them,’ but not ‘he/him,’ they are sending a confusing message that doesn’t sound like allyship at all. They should understand that many trans and gender non-conforming people take time to establish exactly how they identify and to share that with the world. Exploring non-binary identity might have been what it took to give Dana the conviction to identify as a male.
Hopefully, your BIL and SIL will tap into those instincts they had when they decided to address their issues about queer identities and educate themselves further about the needs and experiences of trans youth, as it seems that they are raising one. You can suggest to them that they check out this document ( https://www.lgbtmap.org/policy-and-issue-analysis/advancing-acceptance-for-parents ) from the Movement Advancement Project, which compiles a number of helpful resources for parents of trans and gender-non conforming youth, including information on the importance of family acceptance. Good luck to you with the meddling, it’s necessary.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/obnoxious-group-chat-behavior.html
*************
3. Dear Prudence,
Can you settle an argument between my partner and our middle school kid? A few years ago the school system converted their faculty bathrooms to “all gender” bathrooms. Our child is cisgender but insists on using the all-gender bathrooms which were (in my partner’s mind) meant for people not on the gender binary. Middle school kid says that the all-gender bathroom is cleaner, private, and everybody can use them. My partner says that they should use the bathroom that is labeled for their gender, despite the lack of privacy, cleanliness, and frequent vaping activity. Who is right?
—Whose Bathroom Is It Anyway?
Dear Bathroom,
Everyone wants clean and vape-free bathrooms but you’re right that this bathroom was created for kids who can’t use others, and their need for a safe place to pee trumps your kid’s need for a lovely, spacious single stall without graffiti.
It would be nice if we knew what those students thought, but I definitely don’t recommend that your child approach them individually to ask for permission. Middle school is awkward enough without unexpected questions that combine gender identity and bathroom use. If there is a gay-straight alliance or similar club on campus, maybe the advisor could provide some guidance. If not, I would say, the bathrooms are not totally off limits to your kid—and in fact, if cisgender kids use them it could potentially decrease any stigma attached to them.
But the conversation you’re having shouldn’t be about whether they “can” use these bathrooms. It’s about when and how they should. I think a middle school student is old enough to think beyond what’s allowed and not allowed, and consider the kind of friend and classmate they want to be, and the impact they want to have on the people around them. Encourage your stepchild to put themself in the shoes of a kid who only feels comfortable using an “all gender” bathroom. Would they care whether anyone else used it? Probably not. Would they care whether it was occupied for 25 minutes while someone changed for soccer practice or did their makeup? Probably! In other words, I hope the thought exercise leads to your kid using this bathroom quickly and respectfully, and not, for example, during a five-minute break between classes when someone else might need it urgently.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/wife-work-from-home-buddy-dear-prudence-advice.html
We're trying to steer her in the right direction with our Christian beliefs, which include loving and accepting everyone. The coach doesn't broadcast the fact that she's transgender; my daughter learned about it from a teammate. There is no other volleyball team in the area. How can I convince my husband to let her stay with a sport and team she loves? -- SPORTY MOM IN THE SOUTH
DEAR MOM: Actually, your husband IS transphobic and possibly homophobic as well. He may think that by forbidding Kennedy from participating in volleyball, he is protecting her. However, what he fails to understand is that children are already aware. Her friend certainly is.
As Kennedy grows older, she is going to meet many people who are "different" -- different races, religions and sexual orientations. As a good Christian, she should accept and love them for who they are. She should not be punished by being forced to drop an activity she loves.
P.S. Has your husband actually MET the assistant coach? Perhaps he should approach her at a practice and introduce himself, so he can get to know her as a fellow human being.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2740145
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife, her brother, and his wife all grew up in a rural, conservative part of their state. My wife and I are both women and when my wife came out to my BIL and SIL 10 years ago, it sparked a huge change in them. Unprompted, they starting reading books, listening to podcasts and re-thinking their politics. All of their work led them to become the absolutely incredible allies they are today. When my wife and I got married ten years ago, my BIL and SIL’s 2 kids were really young (2 and 4 years old). Now in their teens/tweens, both kids identify as part of the LGTBQ community. Here’s where I’m stuck: their oldest kid, Dana, was assigned female at birth and has identified as non-binary and used they/them pronouns for the last few years. No problem for my BIL and SIL.
Earlier this summer, I was introducing Dana to some friends and someone asked “what pronouns do you use” and Dana responded “I use he/him pronouns.” Up to this point, I’d been referring to Dana as my nibling and using they/them pronouns. After Dana shared different preferred pronouns, I quickly said “My apologies, I’ve been using they/them pronouns, do you want me to use he/him from now on?” he said yes and that was that. Later that night, I asked my BIL and SIL if they knew Dana was using he/him pronouns and they said yes they know, but that they feel it’s a phase and that all the kids in Dana’s friend group are trying to out queer each other. Which, maybe! ALL kids try on lots of identities as they grow up—and this is the first generation that’s really had the language and space to openly exist at various places on the gender and sexuality spectrum.
I’m miffed as to why Dana using he/him pronouns is a barrier for my BIL and SIL. They know and are supportive of trans people. They were quick to support Dana’s use of they/them pronouns and non-binary identity. It seems harmful to just dismiss it as “kids being kids,” even if that’s exactly what it is. How do I refer to Dana when talking to my BIL and SIL when Dana’s not around? It seems disrespectful to not use his correct pronouns, but also BIL and SIL don’t use those pronouns, so it seems pretty aggressive to start using pronouns for their child that differ from the ones they use. Is there something else I should say? My wife and I are very close to BIL and SIL, but we don’t comment on each other’s parenting—each couple parents differently than the other, which is good and fine! It seems meddlesome to bring it up many months after the fact, when we haven’t talked about it since.
—Allied Auntie
Dear AA,
It may seem meddlesome to bring this stuff up months after your last conversation, but sometimes, meddling is appropriate. When you speak to your BIL and SIL next, ask about Dana and use his preferred pronouns. If his parents continue to refer to him otherwise, you can tell them that while you understand their concerns that Dana is just going through a phase, it be harmful to dismiss his feelings and that it isn’t for them to decide what is or isn’t valid when it comes to how he chooses to identify. Yes, it is possible that Dana is in an exploratory period and he may change pronouns yet again; Dana won’t be harmed if they go along with these changes, nothing bad will happen if they start referring to him as ‘he.’ However, Dana absolutely can be harmed by the refusal to refer to him as he sees fit and to embrace his identity as he has presented it to his parents.
Also, remind these “allies” that young people deserve the space to safely figure out who they are without fear of being rejected or dismissed by their parents. By embracing Dana’s choice of ‘they/them,’ but not ‘he/him,’ they are sending a confusing message that doesn’t sound like allyship at all. They should understand that many trans and gender non-conforming people take time to establish exactly how they identify and to share that with the world. Exploring non-binary identity might have been what it took to give Dana the conviction to identify as a male.
Hopefully, your BIL and SIL will tap into those instincts they had when they decided to address their issues about queer identities and educate themselves further about the needs and experiences of trans youth, as it seems that they are raising one. You can suggest to them that they check out this document ( https://www.lgbtmap.org/policy-and-issue-analysis/advancing-acceptance-for-parents ) from the Movement Advancement Project, which compiles a number of helpful resources for parents of trans and gender-non conforming youth, including information on the importance of family acceptance. Good luck to you with the meddling, it’s necessary.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/obnoxious-group-chat-behavior.html
3. Dear Prudence,
Can you settle an argument between my partner and our middle school kid? A few years ago the school system converted their faculty bathrooms to “all gender” bathrooms. Our child is cisgender but insists on using the all-gender bathrooms which were (in my partner’s mind) meant for people not on the gender binary. Middle school kid says that the all-gender bathroom is cleaner, private, and everybody can use them. My partner says that they should use the bathroom that is labeled for their gender, despite the lack of privacy, cleanliness, and frequent vaping activity. Who is right?
—Whose Bathroom Is It Anyway?
Dear Bathroom,
Everyone wants clean and vape-free bathrooms but you’re right that this bathroom was created for kids who can’t use others, and their need for a safe place to pee trumps your kid’s need for a lovely, spacious single stall without graffiti.
It would be nice if we knew what those students thought, but I definitely don’t recommend that your child approach them individually to ask for permission. Middle school is awkward enough without unexpected questions that combine gender identity and bathroom use. If there is a gay-straight alliance or similar club on campus, maybe the advisor could provide some guidance. If not, I would say, the bathrooms are not totally off limits to your kid—and in fact, if cisgender kids use them it could potentially decrease any stigma attached to them.
But the conversation you’re having shouldn’t be about whether they “can” use these bathrooms. It’s about when and how they should. I think a middle school student is old enough to think beyond what’s allowed and not allowed, and consider the kind of friend and classmate they want to be, and the impact they want to have on the people around them. Encourage your stepchild to put themself in the shoes of a kid who only feels comfortable using an “all gender” bathroom. Would they care whether anyone else used it? Probably not. Would they care whether it was occupied for 25 minutes while someone changed for soccer practice or did their makeup? Probably! In other words, I hope the thought exercise leads to your kid using this bathroom quickly and respectfully, and not, for example, during a five-minute break between classes when someone else might need it urgently.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/wife-work-from-home-buddy-dear-prudence-advice.html
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