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agonyaunt2022-10-29 09:06 pm
ermingarden) wrote in agonyaunt2022-10-29 09:06 pm
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Dear Prudence: The Plot Thickens
Two letters that seem to be about the same incident, and which offer very different perspectives.
The first letter was published October 3:
Q. Hypochondriac In Love: Is it a red flag that my partner initially refused to take me to the emergency room? I am a young woman who is living with my boyfriend of over six years. We are very happy except for my chronic medical issues occasionally causing me great pain and some tension between us. The other night I was having serious abdominal pain and vomiting. I begged him several times to take me to the ER and he refused, reminding me that I’ve gone to the ER before for what my insurance considered non-emergencies and charged me extra for it. Finally, I called 911 for an ambulance and he took the phone from me and told them not to come. He drove me then to the ER and was angry when I threw up in his car. They did a CT scan and diagnosed me with acute colitis, cystitis, and a kidney infection. I apologized to him and I admit I can sometimes be a bit of a hypochondriac and he’s normally compassionate about my illnesses. I love him very much but I wonder if I should take this as a bad sign.
A: No, you shouldn’t take it as a bad sign. You should take it as a relationship-ending, unforgivable sign.
The second letter was published today, October 29:
My wife (“Laura”) and I have been together for 10 years and we’ve mostly had a good relationship until the past couple of years. Laura is a hypochondriac. In the beginning, it was really minor and barely noticeable—she insisted any cold she got was actually pneumonia or an upset stomach was appendicitis. As time went on, she became convinced she was suffering from an undiagnosed illness and after years of seeing doctors and getting tested, a doctor diagnosed her with a syndrome that mostly consists of a collection of symptoms with no other cause, no test to confirm the diagnosis, and no treatment except lifestyle and diet changes. I had hoped by getting a diagnosis her hypochondria would calm down.
It has not and I fear it is getting worse and turning into Munchausen syndrome. It was brought to my attention recently that Laura may have written into this column about an incident that happened a few weeks ago where she was vomiting and I wouldn’t take her to the hospital and prevented an ambulance from coming to get her. In the letter, she changed some identifying information—but the other details matched an incident that happened between us. My concern with the letter was her presentation of her diagnosis with medical terms derived from the CT scan and not the actual diagnosis the ER doc gave her, as well as leaving out key information, such as the questionable leftover chicken she had eaten earlier that day and the UTI she was diagnosed with earlier in the week and was supposed to be taking antibiotics for. She wrote that she was diagnosed with “acute colitis, cystitis, and a kidney infection”, however, except for alluding to her UTI moving into her kidneys, the doctor told her that she likely had food poisoning (acute colitis) and needed stronger antibiotics for her UTI because of the slight bladder and kidney inflammation (cystitis). He gave her new antibiotics for the UTI and when I went to throw away the old ones when we got home, I noticed that they were much fuller than they should be and asked her if she’d been taking them. She said that she may have missed a “couple of doses” but there were a lot of pills remaining.
I’m really scared that she is trying to make herself sick. If she did write the letter, then I am also scared that she is trying to get public validation and sympathy and that she may continue to escalate. I’ve alluded previously that this is all in her head and it did not go well so I hesitate to ask her outright but I need to do something. I don’t want her to hurt herself and I want her to get the help she needs. Should I try to talk to her therapist about my fears? I know he can’t break doctor-patient confidentiality but can family members tell them about their fears so they can do some probing? Should I mention my fears to her physician? Her family? Even before this incident, I knew some sort of intervention needed to happen as we have nearly $10,000 in medical debt from her various tests and medical visits. Her health is more important than the money, but if this is Munchausen and it can be fixed by therapy, then I’d prefer that than to keep adding to our debt.
—In Love With a Hypochondriac
Dear In Love,
Well this complicates things… Sorry for telling her to leave you. I don’t know what a therapist or doctor will do with the information you provide, but it can’t hurt to share your concerns with them as well as a couple of trusted family members. I will add that, whether she made herself sick or not, she was actually sick and you should have helped her get to the hospital. If your suspicions are true, I hope she can get help but in the meantime, you should make it a priority to respond to her very real illness and suffering, despite your belief about its origins.
The first letter was published October 3:
Q. Hypochondriac In Love: Is it a red flag that my partner initially refused to take me to the emergency room? I am a young woman who is living with my boyfriend of over six years. We are very happy except for my chronic medical issues occasionally causing me great pain and some tension between us. The other night I was having serious abdominal pain and vomiting. I begged him several times to take me to the ER and he refused, reminding me that I’ve gone to the ER before for what my insurance considered non-emergencies and charged me extra for it. Finally, I called 911 for an ambulance and he took the phone from me and told them not to come. He drove me then to the ER and was angry when I threw up in his car. They did a CT scan and diagnosed me with acute colitis, cystitis, and a kidney infection. I apologized to him and I admit I can sometimes be a bit of a hypochondriac and he’s normally compassionate about my illnesses. I love him very much but I wonder if I should take this as a bad sign.
A: No, you shouldn’t take it as a bad sign. You should take it as a relationship-ending, unforgivable sign.
The second letter was published today, October 29:
My wife (“Laura”) and I have been together for 10 years and we’ve mostly had a good relationship until the past couple of years. Laura is a hypochondriac. In the beginning, it was really minor and barely noticeable—she insisted any cold she got was actually pneumonia or an upset stomach was appendicitis. As time went on, she became convinced she was suffering from an undiagnosed illness and after years of seeing doctors and getting tested, a doctor diagnosed her with a syndrome that mostly consists of a collection of symptoms with no other cause, no test to confirm the diagnosis, and no treatment except lifestyle and diet changes. I had hoped by getting a diagnosis her hypochondria would calm down.
It has not and I fear it is getting worse and turning into Munchausen syndrome. It was brought to my attention recently that Laura may have written into this column about an incident that happened a few weeks ago where she was vomiting and I wouldn’t take her to the hospital and prevented an ambulance from coming to get her. In the letter, she changed some identifying information—but the other details matched an incident that happened between us. My concern with the letter was her presentation of her diagnosis with medical terms derived from the CT scan and not the actual diagnosis the ER doc gave her, as well as leaving out key information, such as the questionable leftover chicken she had eaten earlier that day and the UTI she was diagnosed with earlier in the week and was supposed to be taking antibiotics for. She wrote that she was diagnosed with “acute colitis, cystitis, and a kidney infection”, however, except for alluding to her UTI moving into her kidneys, the doctor told her that she likely had food poisoning (acute colitis) and needed stronger antibiotics for her UTI because of the slight bladder and kidney inflammation (cystitis). He gave her new antibiotics for the UTI and when I went to throw away the old ones when we got home, I noticed that they were much fuller than they should be and asked her if she’d been taking them. She said that she may have missed a “couple of doses” but there were a lot of pills remaining.
I’m really scared that she is trying to make herself sick. If she did write the letter, then I am also scared that she is trying to get public validation and sympathy and that she may continue to escalate. I’ve alluded previously that this is all in her head and it did not go well so I hesitate to ask her outright but I need to do something. I don’t want her to hurt herself and I want her to get the help she needs. Should I try to talk to her therapist about my fears? I know he can’t break doctor-patient confidentiality but can family members tell them about their fears so they can do some probing? Should I mention my fears to her physician? Her family? Even before this incident, I knew some sort of intervention needed to happen as we have nearly $10,000 in medical debt from her various tests and medical visits. Her health is more important than the money, but if this is Munchausen and it can be fixed by therapy, then I’d prefer that than to keep adding to our debt.
—In Love With a Hypochondriac
Dear In Love,
Well this complicates things… Sorry for telling her to leave you. I don’t know what a therapist or doctor will do with the information you provide, but it can’t hurt to share your concerns with them as well as a couple of trusted family members. I will add that, whether she made herself sick or not, she was actually sick and you should have helped her get to the hospital. If your suspicions are true, I hope she can get help but in the meantime, you should make it a priority to respond to her very real illness and suffering, despite your belief about its origins.
no subject
Like the original LW's account does seem to be slanted in a particular way, but also the husband's account is setting off ALL my alarm bells, and Pru seems to have missed them entirely. She was diagnosed with a chronic illness! She was in probably severe pain! He brushes off her diagnosed chronic illness, yelled at her for vomiting when she had food poisoning, grabbed the phone out of her hand to stop her while she was calling 911, minimized *a kidney infection*, badgered her into apologizing for needing to go to the hospital *while they were at the hospital*... and is doing a very good job of smoothing everything over with a bit of "ignore the little woman, I suspect she's got a touch of hysteria".
If she did deliberately stop taking her antibiotics just so she could be "legitimately" sick, that's concerning, but it's *probably* because she's married to a total asshole who has been invalidating her real health concerns for a decade!
no subject
How do you get this interpretation from either Conuly’s comment or mine?????
I am legit confused
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You all weren't directly involved! I didn't mean you!
no subject
Especially given the history of how women with chronic illness/pain tend to be treated as “hypochondriacs,” he sounds abusive, and may be a danger to her.
(Calling doctors and therapists to tell them not to believe her *causes her harm.*)
Actual Munchausen’s is very, very rare, and is pretty much only known to the public because of super-sensationalized media representation.
Also, it’s pretty damn hard to deliberately give yourself a kidney infection. Did he consider that the nausea/vomiting might have contributed to missed antibiotic doses?
Basically, even going so far as to assume the best of intentions on his part… he doesn’t trust his wife, he invalidates her experience of her own body, and he admits to doing some abusive shit.
DTMFA.
no subject
I had an experience in 2011 when I was bleeding very heavily [menstrual period that had gone on for months and ended up needing multiple surgeries to stop]
and I turned gray and nonverbal on an commercial aircraft flight, so much so that the flight attendant spontaneously came over to me and fitted an oxygen mask on me without me having pressed the call sign or attracted her attention in any way.
I went straight to the hospital afterwards.
The doctor asked my partner at the time if my symptoms were normal for me. My symptoms were not normal for me, but my partner at the time had Asperger's and was very literal and he said yes [because I had previously had completely different symptoms of chronic health conditions and also because he found the hospital environment stressful and wanted to go home]
after that, nothing I could say or do made the doctors take me seriously or run appropriate health tests
because the word of a male partner counts more than the word of the woman whose body it is
I was sent home, far too unwell to be sent home, and several things occurred after being sent home where I genuinely could have died
including
a) having to get up steep, wet, slippery outdoor stairs that had a very rusty shaky handrail UNASSISTED when my balance was so bad that I was toppling forwards out of a manual wheelchair;
b) being left in bed and not checked on for several days when I couldn't get out of bed to get myself a glass of water and was bleeding very heavily;
c) after telling my partner that he needed to manage my medication because my short term memory was currently so bad that I couldn't remember if I'd taken 10 seconds before, he dumped all the medication on the table next to my bed and refused to help me with it in any way, even tho it included
Paracetamol/acetaminophen/Tylenol which can cause death by liver failure if you accidentally take too much. [The excuse he gave when I confronted him about it was that he didn't want to be woken up by me in the morning just so that I could take medication]
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