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DEAR HARRIETTE: My father and I have never had an ideal relationship. He was cruel to me for most of my childhood and caused me a lot of self-esteem issues that I'm struggling with even as an adult. I never got a real apology for any of the cruel things that my father did, but I forgave him anyway for my own peace of mind.
Now that I have a daughter of my own, I find my childhood issues resurfacing. I now know what it's like to be a parent, and I could never imagine treating my child the way my father treated me. It has been years since I have spoken to my dad about the issues I've had him with him, so I'm sure he thinks that everything is fine between us. I know deep down that I cannot heal without answers as to why he was so awful to me. Is it appropriate for me to approach my father about my resurfaced trauma? -- Unresolved Issues
DEAR UNRESOLVED ISSUES: Yes, you can approach your father about the way he treated you when you were young. You can prepare for it by coming up with a few illustrative examples so that he can clearly see what you are talking about and not so easily dismiss your accusations. What you cannot do is predict how he will react. Rarely do people admit their transgressions, especially heinous behaviors from years ago.
You can sincerely tell your father that the things that he did to you have resurfaced now that you have a child, and you are left wondering why he treated you so poorly. Tell him that you are not angry; you just want to understand.
If you bring this up to your father in a quizzical way rather than being judgmental, there's a chance he will open up to you. However, do your best not to be wrecked if he stays in denial or even becomes defiant when you bring it up.
You may want to seek counseling to help you deal with your feelings. You have a better chance of reaching closure that way.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2738199
Now that I have a daughter of my own, I find my childhood issues resurfacing. I now know what it's like to be a parent, and I could never imagine treating my child the way my father treated me. It has been years since I have spoken to my dad about the issues I've had him with him, so I'm sure he thinks that everything is fine between us. I know deep down that I cannot heal without answers as to why he was so awful to me. Is it appropriate for me to approach my father about my resurfaced trauma? -- Unresolved Issues
DEAR UNRESOLVED ISSUES: Yes, you can approach your father about the way he treated you when you were young. You can prepare for it by coming up with a few illustrative examples so that he can clearly see what you are talking about and not so easily dismiss your accusations. What you cannot do is predict how he will react. Rarely do people admit their transgressions, especially heinous behaviors from years ago.
You can sincerely tell your father that the things that he did to you have resurfaced now that you have a child, and you are left wondering why he treated you so poorly. Tell him that you are not angry; you just want to understand.
If you bring this up to your father in a quizzical way rather than being judgmental, there's a chance he will open up to you. However, do your best not to be wrecked if he stays in denial or even becomes defiant when you bring it up.
You may want to seek counseling to help you deal with your feelings. You have a better chance of reaching closure that way.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2738199