agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father and I have never had an ideal relationship. He was cruel to me for most of my childhood and caused me a lot of self-esteem issues that I'm struggling with even as an adult. I never got a real apology for any of the cruel things that my father did, but I forgave him anyway for my own peace of mind.

Now that I have a daughter of my own, I find my childhood issues resurfacing. I now know what it's like to be a parent, and I could never imagine treating my child the way my father treated me. It has been years since I have spoken to my dad about the issues I've had him with him, so I'm sure he thinks that everything is fine between us. I know deep down that I cannot heal without answers as to why he was so awful to me. Is it appropriate for me to approach my father about my resurfaced trauma? -- Unresolved Issues

DEAR UNRESOLVED ISSUES: Yes, you can approach your father about the way he treated you when you were young. You can prepare for it by coming up with a few illustrative examples so that he can clearly see what you are talking about and not so easily dismiss your accusations. What you cannot do is predict how he will react. Rarely do people admit their transgressions, especially heinous behaviors from years ago.

You can sincerely tell your father that the things that he did to you have resurfaced now that you have a child, and you are left wondering why he treated you so poorly. Tell him that you are not angry; you just want to understand.

If you bring this up to your father in a quizzical way rather than being judgmental, there's a chance he will open up to you. However, do your best not to be wrecked if he stays in denial or even becomes defiant when you bring it up.

You may want to seek counseling to help you deal with your feelings. You have a better chance of reaching closure that way.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2738199

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You may want to seek counseling to help you deal with your feelings. You have a better chance of reaching closure that way.

I'm so shocked to see Harriette say anything so sensible that I'm quoting it here.

Closure of the sort LW wants is a myth. Even if their dad admits wrongdoing, which he won't, he'll always have an excuse (things were tough) or a reason (it was for your own good) to wash it all away. It's not worth it.

I almost suspect thinking she can get this closure is a symptom of her abuse, or rather, of her coping mechanisms. My mom vacillates between 'it wasn't really my dad's fault (because HE was abused) and he did better than his parents' and a weird intense splitting as if he had a split personality and the Bad one was all in the past and the Good one couldn't be held responsible.

Rarely do people admit their transgressions, especially heinous behaviors from years ago.

I'm glad she's saying this instead of the usual "your abuser must just Not Understand."

Oh, LW, I hear you. When my Little Roommate reached the age of my (painful) earliest memories I freaked out. People say parenting helped them understand their parents -- taking care of little kids made me angrier at mine because I realized just how small I was when they beat me unmercifully.

You're not going to get closure from your sperm donor. If he were going to have such an epiphany he would have had it and come to you. I definitely agree with Harriette's [actually decent for once, mirabile visu] advice to seek therapy. There you can build closure for yourself.

One thing I can tell you: the reason was never because you deserved it, because you didn't.

People told me I would regret never having sought closure or some kind of truce with my abusive, manipulative father. They were very wrong. He died earlier this year, and I feel so free and relieved. (I'll feel even better when I'm shot of his house, but I'm getting there.)

That is truly awesome!