conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2022-10-25 04:27 pm
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DEAR ABBY: I was married for more than 40 years. My ex constantly badmouths me to everyone. He got to our grown daughter early during our separation, and it's clear to me she has sided with him. He's a very intelligent narcissist who manipulates people and they're not even aware of it. Our divorce took three different lawyers and cost me thousands, which was his intention. Should I open up to my daughter and try to get her to understand why I can't be around him? I don't want to alienate my only child. -- FREE BUT NOT TOTALLY HAPPY

DEAR FREE: If you were married to your husband for 40 years, your daughter is no longer a child. Do not attempt to diminish her opinion of her father -- simply explain why you could no longer stay married to him. If you can discuss your divorce with her and point out specific examples she may have noticed in her youth that led to your divorce, I see no reason why you shouldn't.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2738111
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conuly: (Default)

[personal profile] conuly 2022-10-25 08:29 pm (UTC)(link)
I get the impression that Abby does not entirely believe LW's version of events.

I don't either.

It's very likely that Daughter was an adult when the divorce occurred, and she certainly was there for many years during the marriage. Is it possible he's manipulating her really well and she doesn't know?

Oh, yeah!

But it's also possible that LW is in total denial.
minoanmiss: A detail of the Ladies in Blue fresco (Default)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2022-10-25 09:03 pm (UTC)(link)
Yiiiiikes yikes yikes yikes yikes yikes...
melannen: Commander Valentine of Alpha Squad Seven, a red-haired female Nick Fury in space, smoking contemplatively (Default)

[personal profile] melannen 2022-10-25 09:36 pm (UTC)(link)
Beeeeeeees
viggorlijah: Klee (Default)

[personal profile] viggorlijah 2022-10-25 11:37 pm (UTC)(link)
My ex is a very charming narcissist. One of my adult kids did not talk to me for two years post divorce because she believed her dads version of events. I refused and continue in general to refuse to discuss the intimate details of our marriage with my kids - it is too heavy a burden for children to have as they negotiate and understand their own relationships with each parent. I answered facts only - no he was not paying child support as he said, no I had not forbidden him to talk to so-and-so, and eventually she went wait what, and started repairing her relationship with me. The whole time she was still living with me by choice, so I knew deep down she felt I was safer. We are very close now.

The letter is too short of details to know for sure, but it is possible for a charming smart narcissist to alienate adult children. They will have convincing answers for everything. I am grateful to the people who told me to keep honourable although I do wish I’d spoken up more outside the house to our friends - he got almost all of them who chose to believe him and never asked me. Still, I ended up with my kids and people I trust and love.
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