agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: I have twin 10-year-olds who are constantly at war.

They can’t stand it if things are unfair. If one gets more than the other, it turns into World War III, and I jump into the middle to make things fair.

For example, I will use a food scale to make sure they get exactly the same portion of any food I give them, and I make sure that they get the same number of gifts.

I know that life’s not fair. But I’d like to let them have a little bit of respite before the world shows them how life really is.

I like letting them believe in Santa or the tooth fairy. I want them to stay in childhood as long as they can.

Where’s the line?

– Twin Mom

Dear Mom: First this: Parenting twins is hard work!

However, your desire to give your twins a “respite” from the reality of the world will have the unintended consequence of unleashing two aggressive adolescents who don’t have the motivation or ability to control their emotions.

They have instead trained you to take extraordinary measures to appease them, and your efforts to give them a fairy-tale childhood have resulted in World War III. Not quite what you had in mind.

I suggest that this is really all about you. You are having trouble regulating your own anxieties and feelings. You can work on this by becoming conscious of your own physical and emotional reactions when you fear things are going south. Your heart races, your breath quickens. Slow it down, calm yourself, and see if you can … let things happen.

A new sheriff needs to gallop into your household.

Do your best to engage your twins in separate activities and friendships. I would very publicly put the food scale into the “donation box.”

Explain to them that they’re not toddlers, and you expect them to change their behavior.

When they fight, separate them and discipline each. When they are calm, encourage them, listen to them, and reassure them that they can handle hard things.

You can, too.

Parenting coaching and support from other parents of twins would be extremely helpful.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2736993?fs

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This is literally the plot of a Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle story, one with a more realistic solution and as such, I'm tempted to suggest LW read the entire book.

Where is the line? IDK, somewhere before you started measuring out your children's food, probably.

Yeah. The food scale is absurd. There's actually an established solution to divide food fairly between two people: one person divides it, and the other chooses which portion they want.

Was coming to say exactly that - one cuts, one chooses! Works very well until one sibling - oh let's be honest, one sister - gets to the point of being socialised to choose the smaller portion anyway.

My brother tried that on me. I picked the larger every time. He didn't do it for long.

(I was full of spite and vinegar from an early age)

It was more my mother. "Don't take the bigger one, that's greedy!" But somehow it wasn't greedy when my brother did it. (And she wonders why I have food issues ...)

https://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php%3Fdate=2009%252F11%252F15.html

Though really, the point of the method is that the splitter tries to divide it evenly so there is no obvious "bigger" or "smaller" piece.

For three or more people there are other methods.

I'm probably worrying too much about practicalities, but I'd also try to draw the fangs of resentment by making sure that they are mostly treated fairly. E.g. hopefully they don't *need* to worry about not having enough food, but try to make sure that they know if they can or can't have more if they're still hungry, and think about whether non-food treats are disbursed in a fair way rather than "whoever asks first". And as conuly says if you need to divide something *specific* doing a "cut and choose" or some other method can work, although I hope that most things aren't like that.

"Telling them not to fight" is right, but it's easier if not fighting DOES lead to being treated fairly (according to their understanding), rather than "well it's probably fair overall in the long run" in a way an adult can see but an eleven year old might not be able to if they cared a lot about particular things but don't have any agency over many things.

And as conuly says if you need to divide something *specific* doing a "cut and choose" or some other method can work, although I hope that most things aren't like that.

I didn't say that, somebody else did, although I agree with the method.

Ugh, this makes me think of my own kids. I hate the bean-counting. I just refuse to entertain the notion that fairness means every little thing has to be equal. Slowly, very slowly, they are getting it. At least they now argue about "fairness" more with one another than with me.

We do talk about big-picture fairness. They both are allowed to go to their friends' birthday parties. No, I can't guarantee they will each get the same number of invitations. That's not how life works. But their mother and I will (within reason) drive them so they can both enjoy the parties to which they do receive invitations.

Yeah, this is a bit much.

Sure, if I'm bringing home a treat I'll try to distribute it reasonably evenly between Middle and Youngest, though I draw the line at a scale. When we're ordering from the Chinese takeout place, I'll alternate between the appetizer Youngest loves and the appetizer Middle loves. But if they started having a fit about equal division of a piece of cake, I'd go for the "one cuts; the other picks" method.

I do aim for having equal numbers of Christmas presents for them to open, but that doesn't mean they're getting the same number of presents; one of them might be opening a present that's for both of them or that's a family present. Each is getting things they really want; that's the main thing. (As for birthdays, I don't keep track that much. I wouldn't have it where one gets a single birthday present and the other gets ten, unless that single birthday present is extremely expensive and the ten are inexpensive, but beyond that I'm not going for absolute equality.)