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Christmas presents....
1. Dear Amy: Every year, I spend time carefully curating a list of Christmas wishes for me, my husband, and our children. I know what we like and need. In turn, his family gives me their list.
When it's time for presents, my in-laws happily open the gifts for which they asked. They love them! We open our gifts, and do not receive a single thing from our list. My children receive toys they don't need and clothes I will not let them wear. Some things are regifted, while others just take up space in my house.
It actually hurts that after 12 years of being part of this family, they still don't know me at all. We spend a generous amount of money on our family at Christmas, but I’m disappointed and frustrated by their lack of consideration. Last year, I told my husband that I would only buy gifts for the children of the family going forward; I have not told the in-laws yet. The downside is that one of the siblings is childless, so they would receive nothing from us.
Should I hold firm and kindly let the family know that children should be the focus of Christmas from here on out, or should I make overt hints to stick to the list and hope for the best, even if I'm disappointed (again)?
– Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: Abandon the list. It’s not working. It also subverts the idea of Christmas giving.
You might segue to a non-material gift for adults – donating to a charity on their behalf or giving a subscription or membership to a local museum or cultural institution. If you don’t want to give any gifts to adults, in place of your list you can state: “I’m trying to cut way back on the overabundance, and so I’m going to only give gifts to the kids. Enjoying our time together is the only gift I want.”
Regardless of how you frame your own wishes, you cannot control what other people give to you.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2735605?fs
***************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
It seems early to be worrying about Christmas, but here we are. I’m a man in a family of mostly women (my wife, two daughters, one daughter-in-law, mother, two sisters, and three nieces). My brothers-in-law are easy to buy gifts for and my wife buys the gifts for her father, but I struggle buying presents for everyone else. I know they all want jewelry or beauty products or some book series I have no idea about. I work an incredibly stressful job and have limited time for shopping, not to mention that I don’t feel at all at home in stores that sell what they want.
My eldest daughter, “Halle” (28), loves celebrations, is an organizational master, and a very thoughtful gift buyer. She keeps spreadsheets with dates of birthdays, preferences, and gifts bought. Most years, I have been able to ask Halle to sort the bulk of present-buying for our family on my behalf (of course I give her the money for it), since she enjoys Christmas shopping and it greatly eases my stress. But last year, Halle complained every time I asked her about what gifts she had purchased, acting like shopping on my behalf was a huge burden rather than something she could easily handle while doing her own shopping.
Then, at our Christmas get-together, she made a point of telling people about the gifts that were supposed to be from me, making it obvious that she had selected them. At least a couple of relatives felt as if I don’t care about them (not at all true). I had to make the point several times that it was not Halle who had paid for these gifts but me! It was embarrassing. And since then we have had some awkward birthdays when my sisters thanked Halle for gifts that were from me. Now we are in October, when Halle starts Christmas shopping. In the past she has called to ask me who she should pick up gifts for from me and about money transfers, but there has been nothing from her this year. I have a bad feeling she will do what she did last year if I don’t say something, or she might simply refuse to help out at all. I absolutely don’t have time to go to the kind of effort she does—Christmas holidays are an overtime period for me—but I don’t want to end up forgetting anyone or resorting to gift cards. Can you advise me on how I can talk to Halle about this? It seems like she’s being unreasonable and uncharacteristically passive-aggressive, and I don’t know how to approach this conversation.
—Christmas Problems Already
Dear CPA,
Let me get this straight. You want your daughter to do all your Christmas shopping for you without complaint or comment, you can’t imagine why it’s the least bit inconvenient for her, you’re hurt and angry that she let your family know that she was the one who picked out all these gifts that she did pick out—and you want to know how to get her to keep doing this but return to shutting up about it? Are you kidding me?
I’ve got news for you, busy father of three (et al.): the important part of gift-giving is not who pays for the gifts but who thoughtfully chooses them (and how, and why). If you don’t have the time or the inclination to choose gifts for your loved ones, I would cut right to the chase and give them all cash. Do not ask Halle to buy your gifts again. In fact, to make sure she doesn’t this year, tell your daughter you are going to be a grownup and take care of gifts yourself.
And here’s a tip: write each of them a note telling them you love them, and why—and maybe even say, “As you know, shopping is not my forte. So I hope you won’t mind some cash to buy whatever it is that would please you most.”
(In your note to Halle, you might even apologize for treating her as your servant for so many years. And maybe give her an extra-large cash gift while you’re at it.)
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/gift-giving-help-daughter.html
When it's time for presents, my in-laws happily open the gifts for which they asked. They love them! We open our gifts, and do not receive a single thing from our list. My children receive toys they don't need and clothes I will not let them wear. Some things are regifted, while others just take up space in my house.
It actually hurts that after 12 years of being part of this family, they still don't know me at all. We spend a generous amount of money on our family at Christmas, but I’m disappointed and frustrated by their lack of consideration. Last year, I told my husband that I would only buy gifts for the children of the family going forward; I have not told the in-laws yet. The downside is that one of the siblings is childless, so they would receive nothing from us.
Should I hold firm and kindly let the family know that children should be the focus of Christmas from here on out, or should I make overt hints to stick to the list and hope for the best, even if I'm disappointed (again)?
– Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: Abandon the list. It’s not working. It also subverts the idea of Christmas giving.
You might segue to a non-material gift for adults – donating to a charity on their behalf or giving a subscription or membership to a local museum or cultural institution. If you don’t want to give any gifts to adults, in place of your list you can state: “I’m trying to cut way back on the overabundance, and so I’m going to only give gifts to the kids. Enjoying our time together is the only gift I want.”
Regardless of how you frame your own wishes, you cannot control what other people give to you.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2735605?fs
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
It seems early to be worrying about Christmas, but here we are. I’m a man in a family of mostly women (my wife, two daughters, one daughter-in-law, mother, two sisters, and three nieces). My brothers-in-law are easy to buy gifts for and my wife buys the gifts for her father, but I struggle buying presents for everyone else. I know they all want jewelry or beauty products or some book series I have no idea about. I work an incredibly stressful job and have limited time for shopping, not to mention that I don’t feel at all at home in stores that sell what they want.
My eldest daughter, “Halle” (28), loves celebrations, is an organizational master, and a very thoughtful gift buyer. She keeps spreadsheets with dates of birthdays, preferences, and gifts bought. Most years, I have been able to ask Halle to sort the bulk of present-buying for our family on my behalf (of course I give her the money for it), since she enjoys Christmas shopping and it greatly eases my stress. But last year, Halle complained every time I asked her about what gifts she had purchased, acting like shopping on my behalf was a huge burden rather than something she could easily handle while doing her own shopping.
Then, at our Christmas get-together, she made a point of telling people about the gifts that were supposed to be from me, making it obvious that she had selected them. At least a couple of relatives felt as if I don’t care about them (not at all true). I had to make the point several times that it was not Halle who had paid for these gifts but me! It was embarrassing. And since then we have had some awkward birthdays when my sisters thanked Halle for gifts that were from me. Now we are in October, when Halle starts Christmas shopping. In the past she has called to ask me who she should pick up gifts for from me and about money transfers, but there has been nothing from her this year. I have a bad feeling she will do what she did last year if I don’t say something, or she might simply refuse to help out at all. I absolutely don’t have time to go to the kind of effort she does—Christmas holidays are an overtime period for me—but I don’t want to end up forgetting anyone or resorting to gift cards. Can you advise me on how I can talk to Halle about this? It seems like she’s being unreasonable and uncharacteristically passive-aggressive, and I don’t know how to approach this conversation.
—Christmas Problems Already
Dear CPA,
Let me get this straight. You want your daughter to do all your Christmas shopping for you without complaint or comment, you can’t imagine why it’s the least bit inconvenient for her, you’re hurt and angry that she let your family know that she was the one who picked out all these gifts that she did pick out—and you want to know how to get her to keep doing this but return to shutting up about it? Are you kidding me?
I’ve got news for you, busy father of three (et al.): the important part of gift-giving is not who pays for the gifts but who thoughtfully chooses them (and how, and why). If you don’t have the time or the inclination to choose gifts for your loved ones, I would cut right to the chase and give them all cash. Do not ask Halle to buy your gifts again. In fact, to make sure she doesn’t this year, tell your daughter you are going to be a grownup and take care of gifts yourself.
And here’s a tip: write each of them a note telling them you love them, and why—and maybe even say, “As you know, shopping is not my forte. So I hope you won’t mind some cash to buy whatever it is that would please you most.”
(In your note to Halle, you might even apologize for treating her as your servant for so many years. And maybe give her an extra-large cash gift while you’re at it.)
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/gift-giving-help-daughter.html
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