Dear Margo: Who Should Kiss Whom, and How?

[cereta]

Dear Margo: My husband and I married earlier this year, and we have a great relationship. We both came into the marriage with children. The one thing that seems to be driving me crazy is that my husband kisses his 5-year-old daughter on the lips. It’s just a peck, but it aggravates me to no end. I have a daughter, and I always kiss her on the cheek. I even explained that you do not kiss on the lips unless you are married. I have mentioned that I’m totally against the gesture; he said he will do so until the day he dies. Fine, but I feel this is intruding on our relationship, as I see it being a sexual gesture and very inappropriate. I have read articles about this, and it is very controversial. I am not sure that I will be able to handle this much longer. Is it wrong of me to ask him for "only my lips or no lips"? — Want My Husband’s Lips for Myself

Dear Want: Personally, I agree with you and have always found it kind of creepy. But I have seen many people kiss their children like this, and I don’t think it’s seductive. Gestures mean different things to different people. To your husband, kissing on the lips is his sign of affection. To you, it’s a boundary violation.

I would open the discussion with him in a new way. Perhaps the act itself is less meaningful than his resistance to granting your request. Does he resist your suggestions in general? Might he experience you as eager to weaken his relationship with his daughter? Is there guilt about divorcing the child’s mother? Ask yourself why you feel so possessive of his lips and whether it is hard to share his affection. Frankly, I think this issue will subside when his daughter becomes an adolescent and becomes embarrassed by parental affection. — Margo, probingly

Comments

[cereta]

You know, people have different feelings about kissing on the lips (as the debate in booju that I found this letter through demonstrates), but I have to say: I am waaaaaaay more concerned that this women appears to be jealous of her five-year-old stepdaughter than about the appropriateness of a peck on the lips between father and daughter. That just screams "red flag" to me.

[zulu]

Whoa, that's pretty hardcore of the stepmother. I kiss all my family members on the mouth to say hello and goodbye. If that's the way this guy raises his kids, then I'd say that should be fine for him. Why's the stepmom treating her daughter like The Other Woman?

ETA - Or in other words, what cereta said! :D

[minoanmiss]

... she never noticed he kisses his daughter on the mouth before they were married? They never had this fight before they got engaged? I admit, my instinctual reaction is to be weirded out, but that's not at all universal, and her "I even explained..." grates, as if there's only one possible interpretation of the gesture.

[cereta]

*nods* My family growing up did not kiss on the lips, but my daughter does, and for crying out loud, she's three. I am not going to tell her that giving Mommy a peck on the lips is BAD.

[ignaz]

"You never noticed x until AFTER you were married?" is pretty much my first response to 90% of these kind of questions.

[sara]

You do not kiss on the lips...unless you are married?

Really?

And your husband being affectionate with his five-year-old is a marital problem in your universe?

Wow, I'm seeing why this lady's on her second partner, here.

[cereta]

Yeah, I was really hoping that that was just a (reductive, heterocentric) way of shorthanding "in a romantic relationship," but it does raise even more red flags.

In which I rewrite this letter to conform with my own view of the universe.

[sara]

Dear Margo: I have real issues around sex. I wasn't willing to engage in any premarital sexual behavior with my husband, and it's becoming clear that although I love him dearly, that's had a negative impact on our relationship. Also, I am unreasonably jealous of my stepdaughter from my husband's first marriage. Lately I find myself telling my husband that if he's physically demonstrative with his daughter, it means he doesn't love me! I know this is totally irrational and I want to stop -- what are your suggestions?

[redbird]

Indeed. I can see someone (not me, obviously, but someone) arguing that since kissing on the lips is an inherently romantic/sexual act, married people should only do it with their spouses. But insisting that it should be kept until after the wedding seems weird even in terms of heteronormative attitudes.

[liv]

I read it as a slightly clumsy way of explaining sexuality to a young child: you can't exactly say "children shouldn't do this, because it's a sexual thing", so it becomes "children shouldn't do this, because it's for married people only." I doubt the writer actually means that no kissing should happen before marriage, but rather that she doesn't want to get into the murky waters of explaining why erotic relationships are reserved for adults only, even though children can obviously have loving and even romantic relationships. There are certainly better ways of expressing the concept, but I'm cutting her a little slack here, as it's not an easy thing to explain to a five-year-old.

I agree with all the other commenters that the undercurrent of sexual jealousy of her young stepdaughter is creepy as hell, though. I think there is a valid worry, in that she very understandably wants her daughter and stepdaughter to be absolutely confident that sexual attention from adults is always, unequivocally wrong, even though they may not be old enough to understand what sexual attention actually is. Hence, her husband kissing his daughter on the lips may bring up a real confusion for her.

[redbird]

That makes sense. I read it as "I explained [to my new husband] that you only do this if you're married" but I think your reading is more likely to be what the writer meant. (I read it that way in the context of her trying to explain to her husband that him kissing his daughter on the lips is inherently wrong, which is different from explaining to her husband that it bothers her.)

[torachan]

Yyyyyyeah, that's just plain old creepy on her part.