Dear Care & Feeding: The Effect of my Daughter's ADHD on My Granddaughter

[minoanmiss]

My oldest daughter, Anne (30), has always marched to the beat of her own drum. At her best, she’s incredibly artistic and very intelligent. She graduated from a prestigious university with excellent grades while being a member of the school marching band; not an easy feat, and I have always been very proud.

Within the last couple of years, she has been diagnosed with ADHD. This has become the focus of her world and features in almost every conversation she has. It is her excuse for absolutely everything she forgets or doesn’t want to do. If it was just her, I could easily let this go. However, Anne has a 7-year-old daughter, Katie, who is the light of my life but struggles with her parents’ inconsistencies and disorganization. Katie’s dad does not have ADHD but is socially awkward in his own way. Anne and her husband each “take Katie for a day” every weekend so the other one doesn’t have to “deal with her.” Katie stays with my wife and I regularly. Ninety percent of the times Katie comes over, she is unwashed and her hair is unbrushed. She usually has on a dirty mismatched outfit. This could be explained away as being a 7-year-old, but Katie likes to look nice, wear dresses and have her hair done. She tells us her parents don’t believe in special occasions or special outfits.

We try to support Anne and constantly ask what she or Katie needs. Recently, she stated Katie needed fall clothing. We bought at least 10 new outfits, cut off the tags, washed and folded the laundry and took it to her house. Anne’s response was “oh”—not thank you—and she has yet to go through the bag of clothes to put any of it away. This is rude and not how she was raised, but we dropped it. This past weekend, Katie stayed with us and was so excited to go to her first ever friend birthday party the next day. She wore a dress in the birthday girl’s favorite color and asked us to style her hair so that she looked “as nice as possible.” She looked adorable and was so excited! When her parents pulled up, she was standing so tall at the door, but Anne and her husband came in and said nothing. Not “you look great” or “how was your sleepover” or “look at this new outfit!” Katie’s shoulders fell, and it honestly broke my heart.

This is not the first or even the twentieth example of how they are failing this child—from not packing water shoes for a beach trip and then yelling at Katie when she got her tennis shoes wet, to forgetting to sign her up for after-school care (so that now everyone else is scrambling to step in). I called Anne to discuss the birthday party incident and her responses ranged from “we are introverts and wait to have our reactions later” to “you don’t understand how my brain works.” I am at my wits’ end. This child is being emotionally neglected and not cared for in the way she deserves to be. Please help.

Being neurodivergent can be hard, because despite growing awareness and acceptance about things like ADHD, the person with the condition is—nine times out of 10—the one who has to adapt to the world, rather than the other way around. It can often feel inequitable and burdensome.

But, ADHD isn’t an unlimited hall pass. You don’t get to blow off the feelings of others. You learn, adapt, and find coping techniques that enable you to work around or harness your ADHD symptoms so that you can successfully navigate society. We can talk long and hard about the ethics and balance of asking neurodivergent folks to fit into mainstream social norms versus changing those norms to allow more variability, but that’s beyond the scope of this letter. It’s also not relevant in this case, because Katie is not “society.”

I said in an above letter that a parent’s job is to make sure that their kids are happy, healthy, safe and kind. As you point out, Anne and her husband do not seem to be meeting Katie’s psychological basic needs. ADHD and awkwardness isn’t an excuse—they have to find ways to “trick” or “train” their brains into giving Katie what she needs. We adults do these brain hacks in numerous ways—we leave ourselves notes so we don’t need to remember upcoming tasks on our own. We put our keys in the fridge to remember to take the leftovers home from Thanksgiving dinner. It is Anne and her husband’s job to observe what Katie needs (or hear you when you observe it) and problem-solve how they can meet those needs. And they do not need to be perfect at it; Katie is old enough to be involved in the problem solving, and to forgive them when they may fall short.

My guess is that some of Anne’s reactions may come from feeling like she is being judged for her inability to do everything perfectly (at least, that’s how a lot of my friends and family often feel as a result of their ADHD). As upset as you are, I want you to consider that some of the reaction you’re getting from her might be defensiveness or frustration on her part. Tread lightly and keep the focus on Katie’s feelings, not on Anne’s shortcomings. For inspiration, I have found the books by Dr. Edward Hallowell to do a great job discussing ADHD from a family perspective. Some of his work might be of use as you, Anne, and the family navigate this. Good luck, I hope they’re open to your feedback.

Comments

[shirou]

I agree that LW is a bit judgmental, but the parents deserve it. They are neglecting their daughter. I don’t care how neurodivergent the parents are: There is no excuse for abuse. Thank goodness the grandparents are there to help that poor girl.

[minoanmiss]

This was my first reaction, yeah, but then I began to think about how reliable of a narrator the LW might be. That uncertainty is part of why I posted this one here.