agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been together for 26 years. I'm old school -- no Facebook or social media, although I do follow sports on Twitter. My wife, however, is all into it. My issue is, she thinks it's OK for her social life to be private. I don't think there should be any secrets between us, and I'm feeling uncomfortable about this.

I saw something that, from my standpoint, is out of bounds for a married woman. When I asked about it, she said it's private and has nothing to do with me. I'm wondering if this is the hill I will die on. Touching her phone would be a major crime. But my phone is open and she knows all my passwords to it as well as the computer. I'm thinking the openness is one-way, and it's not working for me. Am I an idiot, as I've been told? -- ONE-WAY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ONE-WAY: No, you're not an idiot. You are a husband who suspects his wife may be doing something nefarious because she has become so secretive that trust has become an issue. While I don't think this is the hill you will die on, it may be the one your MARRIAGE will die on, because, without trust, there can be no marriage.

Because you and your wife can no longer communicate effectively, offer her the option of counseling. If she agrees, it may save your marriage. If she doesn't, then go without her to help you figure out what your next steps should be.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2733495

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LW apparently thinks that privacy = secrecy and his wife isn't entitled to it, so already I'm not disposed to like him. And then he doesn't actually spell out what he saw that he thinks is so inappropriate for a married woman, which makes me think that my first thought is right: he's being a jerk for no reason, and he knows it.

But hey, buddy, if this is your dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker. Go marry somebody else who wants to poke around in your texts.

This.

Yeah, I think we're intended to read this as "she was sexting someone else" but it could be anywhere from that to "she was talking to another man, the horror" or "she was discussing our relationship with someone else."

hell, knowing some dudes, it could be "she put the 😘 emoji on a picture of Idris Elba". And, yeah, "she was friendly in her text thread with a male co-worker, the horror" is also one I've heard from actual guys.

Yeah, and honestly if it's "discussing our relationship" that could get into something that would be embarrassing to know about quite fast (e.g., I've had older friends mention their spouses' erectile dysfunction). But it doesn't mean his wife shouldn't be able to talk to a trustworthy friend about personal stuff.

With a touch of "I don't want social media, therefore her motives for wanting it must ne suspect".

And note "married woman" rather than "married person" -- would he think it were so bad if it were in *his* media?

Gee, I wonder why she wants her social life to be private. 'There should be be no secrets between us' I feel is likely to segue into just not mentioning or forgetting things becoming SINISTER - and he starts gaslighting himself over trivia.

I'm (obviously) on social media; Spouse isn't.

Our individual social lives, online and offline are private but not secret. We're entitled to know generally where the other hangs out and who the other's friends are; we're not entitled to know the content of the private conversations the other has with their friends.

If LW doesn't trust his wife after 26 years, she needs someone better.

The thing is, LW, if the one-way openness thing isn't working for you, that's a reasonable issue. For you. And if it doesn't work enough for you to be obsessing about it and worrying about it, then you should do something about it.

But a marriage with some privacy, or at least, boundaries, is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. It's just you guys have different levels of trust. Which is fine, though sort of sad to discover after 26 years.

You could tell her that this "out of bounds" thing is really bothering you, though, and why, at least once more, since it's not clear if you got to the point of explaining your emotions about it to her

(Also, I do wonder just what this thing *was*. Alas, we will never know.)

I have strong feelings that passwords are good for relationships, personally, just like separate bank accounts for. (And unrelatedly, you should have passwords and separate bank accounts to protect yourselves legally in countless ways.)

But my phone is open and she knows all my passwords to it as well as the computer.

Okay, first of all, "the computer"? If there's "the computer" the implication is that your household has a single one, in which case obviously she knows the passwords, you nitwit. But you should not have access to each other's email accounts.

Partner and I know each other's phone passwords for emergencies, but if either of us started actively investigating each other's texts then it would be an actively good idea to change them. Passwords are good! A private life is good! Marriage doesn't make you into a single organism!

Oh, yeah, in *my* life? Separate bank accounts, passworded stuff. Our lives are intertwined, not merged.

This guy has such different expectations I was trying to use some of his perspecive.

For me, phone-snooping (someone doing it to me, or me doing it to them — which has happened exactly once, to confirm something I knew was a lie, in the dying days of a relationship… and I knew that action meant the end, but it was a health/safety issue) is the death knell of a relationship, an absolute dealbreaker.

Do I have “anything to hide”? No — but I am an open book about most things, and a private person about others.

LW should absolutely seek counseling, individual or joint… and with a therapist who can explain how social media works, and the entitlement of a modicum of privacy that every human is owed.

I agree with the preceding comments on the importance of privacy with the caveat that LW should know whether his wife is writing on social media about him or their shared private life.

On public-facing social media, sure. In PMs or emails, or to closed friend groups, I think it's fine for someone to vent about their spouse or ask for relationship advice without telling their spouse they're doing that, though they should keep in mind that what they say online can be more easily passed on to their spouse than what they say in person.

That's a hell of a hill to choose to die on, LW, but I encourage you to double down and go for it, because if you're like this about social media, you're probably a controlling, judgy asshole in a lot of other areas too.

One thing I've been noticing in relationships is that truth isn't nearly so much commanded as earned.

Given the lack of details, I am forced to believe that LW just found out about his wife's fannish activities and is outraged she's writing porn about fictional characters. She has fanart of some dude in a pinup pose and that's out of bounds for a married lady. How dare she have desires for a made up person!