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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 14-year-old son and six of his friends were at a sleepover when they decided to sneak out and meet up with a sleepover of three girls in an adjoining neighborhood. This group of ten 14-year-olds walked around the neighborhood from midnight to 2 a.m. Then they went back to their own hosts’ homes. Neither group had permission to leave. The next morning, doorbell camera footage outed all those involved, and the kids confessed to their parents. My son texted me letting me know what had happened.
My problem is not so much what happened, but how it was handled. I was upset with my son. He knew not to leave without permission. I thought he was incredibly rude to his hosts to put them in that position and had broken trust with me. He was very sorry, and we’ve had many good discussions since about peer pressure and communication. I took away his phone for the weekend and grounded him from social activities for two weeks.
The other parents of the boys think I am being completely ridiculous. They have no punishment for their sons at all. They are frustrated with me for “overreacting.” They have told me things like “this is just part of being in high school,” and “you just need to forgive and move on.” I have definitely forgiven my son! I agree that this is part of growing up, but actions have consequences, and I think sneaking out is serious. Nothing bad happened that night, but that doesn’t make sneaking out a harmless thing to do.
Meanwhile, all three girls have had significant punishments. One is grounded for the rest of the school year. All three have their phones confiscated indefinitely. Their parents are much, much angrier.
In text exchanges, my son’s friends’ parents have said things like “the parents of the girls have way more to worry about than we do,” and “what were those girls thinking, sneaking out with boys?!” This seems like a huge double standard to me. Why is the same infraction harmless when boys do it, but incredibly serious when girls do it?
I would really appreciate any help you could give me. I’ve never felt so out of place as a parent. Usually my views pretty much align with my parent friends. Everything is great right now between my son and I, but we both feel judged by his friends and their parents.
So, did I overreact in punishing my son? Is sneaking out normal for boys but horrible for girls?
— The One Mean Mom
Dear TOMM,
No, you did not overreact.
Yes, sneaking out is normal for boys (and girls).
No, it is no more “horrible” for girls than boys.
Yes, the patriarchy is the worst.
In my opinion, the consequences for your son (the punishment, the several heart-to-hearts, and your forgiveness) are perfectly proportional to the “crime.” Regardless of what I think, though, it is 100 percent not those other parents’ business.
Your parent friends seem to have a severe case of “boys will be boys, so girls better watch out” syndrome. If I were you, I would tell the other parents to mind their own business about both your parenting decisions and how the young women comport themselves. If you feel a bit like poking the proverbial bear, you might ask them why they think it’s OK for boys to sneak out and not girls. Depending on their answers, you can remind them that preventing harm to young women is the responsibility of both sexes, and that you are raising your son to recognize that his actions have consequences, especially where others’ wellbeing is concerned. Or, just forget this whole endeavor, because I’m not sure whether these parents will get the message.
I would also have a conversation with your son to create a game plan for if (and when) this happens again. Will he truly be able to stay back if the rest of his friends sneak out? Will it be social suicide if he does? Sorry to be hard on your and his peer groups, but if this is the response you are getting from the adults for what is a reasonable punishment, I worry that those kids will not hesitate to ostracize or ridicule your son for playing by the rules in the future.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/teens-sneak-out-advice.html
My 14-year-old son and six of his friends were at a sleepover when they decided to sneak out and meet up with a sleepover of three girls in an adjoining neighborhood. This group of ten 14-year-olds walked around the neighborhood from midnight to 2 a.m. Then they went back to their own hosts’ homes. Neither group had permission to leave. The next morning, doorbell camera footage outed all those involved, and the kids confessed to their parents. My son texted me letting me know what had happened.
My problem is not so much what happened, but how it was handled. I was upset with my son. He knew not to leave without permission. I thought he was incredibly rude to his hosts to put them in that position and had broken trust with me. He was very sorry, and we’ve had many good discussions since about peer pressure and communication. I took away his phone for the weekend and grounded him from social activities for two weeks.
The other parents of the boys think I am being completely ridiculous. They have no punishment for their sons at all. They are frustrated with me for “overreacting.” They have told me things like “this is just part of being in high school,” and “you just need to forgive and move on.” I have definitely forgiven my son! I agree that this is part of growing up, but actions have consequences, and I think sneaking out is serious. Nothing bad happened that night, but that doesn’t make sneaking out a harmless thing to do.
Meanwhile, all three girls have had significant punishments. One is grounded for the rest of the school year. All three have their phones confiscated indefinitely. Their parents are much, much angrier.
In text exchanges, my son’s friends’ parents have said things like “the parents of the girls have way more to worry about than we do,” and “what were those girls thinking, sneaking out with boys?!” This seems like a huge double standard to me. Why is the same infraction harmless when boys do it, but incredibly serious when girls do it?
I would really appreciate any help you could give me. I’ve never felt so out of place as a parent. Usually my views pretty much align with my parent friends. Everything is great right now between my son and I, but we both feel judged by his friends and their parents.
So, did I overreact in punishing my son? Is sneaking out normal for boys but horrible for girls?
— The One Mean Mom
Dear TOMM,
No, you did not overreact.
Yes, sneaking out is normal for boys (and girls).
No, it is no more “horrible” for girls than boys.
Yes, the patriarchy is the worst.
In my opinion, the consequences for your son (the punishment, the several heart-to-hearts, and your forgiveness) are perfectly proportional to the “crime.” Regardless of what I think, though, it is 100 percent not those other parents’ business.
Your parent friends seem to have a severe case of “boys will be boys, so girls better watch out” syndrome. If I were you, I would tell the other parents to mind their own business about both your parenting decisions and how the young women comport themselves. If you feel a bit like poking the proverbial bear, you might ask them why they think it’s OK for boys to sneak out and not girls. Depending on their answers, you can remind them that preventing harm to young women is the responsibility of both sexes, and that you are raising your son to recognize that his actions have consequences, especially where others’ wellbeing is concerned. Or, just forget this whole endeavor, because I’m not sure whether these parents will get the message.
I would also have a conversation with your son to create a game plan for if (and when) this happens again. Will he truly be able to stay back if the rest of his friends sneak out? Will it be social suicide if he does? Sorry to be hard on your and his peer groups, but if this is the response you are getting from the adults for what is a reasonable punishment, I worry that those kids will not hesitate to ostracize or ridicule your son for playing by the rules in the future.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/10/teens-sneak-out-advice.html
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