But I do think that it would be more useful, to him and to her, to reframe in terms of "what is the mechanism of the problem?" rather than assume she's just Bad.

That makes a lot of sense. Just declaring someone Bad doesn't help figure out how the dishes actually get done.

Also it makes sense that you identify with her, considering your experiences, just like I identified with him, considering mine (I was a scholarship kid at a school for rich children. I ended up pretty unimpressed with the 1%.) One of the interesting things about these tales we read from the advice columns is who identifies with whom and why.