Whoops, forgot another thing I meant to say - sorry for the whole flurry of msg/edit/msg, I guess I am both scatterbrained and talky tonight.
I think about all the conversations I've seen online where Person A is given a pass for behavior that affects Person B and Person B is advised to suck it up because "Maybe Person A is neuroatypical".
I agree that this is an issue! I think the important distinction here is between "maybe they're ND" as a shut-down, an excuse that ends the conversation (which I agree is bad and a misuse of the language of disability), and making it the opening of a *new* conversation - what's the actual mechanism of the problem here? How can it be addressed in a useful way?
For instance - the refrain that pops up in every discussion of Creepy Guys, where people chime in with "maybe he is bad at social cues because he's neurodivergent". That's not the end of hypothetical dude's responsibility! As an ND person who is by nature shit at social cues, this is an area I've put a lot of work into - and knowing what the problem is helps me figure what kind of work to do. Or another common issue is adult women who figure out they have ADHD and can therefore start trying strategies for how their brain actually works, rather than just thinking they're stupid/lazy/etc.
And in this letter's case, I don't think LW should have to "suck it up" that his wife doesn't clean and is willing to let things get filthy. But I do think that it would be more useful, to him and to her, to reframe in terms of "what is the mechanism of the problem?" rather than assume she's just Bad. Even if she's completely neurotypical and it's a privilege issue - being trained not to "see" dirt because someone else always took care of it is potentially fixable! She could learn new skills! If they can get on the same side and work on it together.
no subject
I think about all the conversations I've seen online where Person A is given a pass for behavior that affects Person B and Person B is advised to suck it up because "Maybe Person A is neuroatypical".
I agree that this is an issue! I think the important distinction here is between "maybe they're ND" as a shut-down, an excuse that ends the conversation (which I agree is bad and a misuse of the language of disability), and making it the opening of a *new* conversation - what's the actual mechanism of the problem here? How can it be addressed in a useful way?
For instance - the refrain that pops up in every discussion of Creepy Guys, where people chime in with "maybe he is bad at social cues because he's neurodivergent". That's not the end of hypothetical dude's responsibility! As an ND person who is by nature shit at social cues, this is an area I've put a lot of work into - and knowing what the problem is helps me figure what kind of work to do. Or another common issue is adult women who figure out they have ADHD and can therefore start trying strategies for how their brain actually works, rather than just thinking they're stupid/lazy/etc.
And in this letter's case, I don't think LW should have to "suck it up" that his wife doesn't clean and is willing to let things get filthy. But I do think that it would be more useful, to him and to her, to reframe in terms of "what is the mechanism of the problem?" rather than assume she's just Bad. Even if she's completely neurotypical and it's a privilege issue - being trained not to "see" dirt because someone else always took care of it is potentially fixable! She could learn new skills! If they can get on the same side and work on it together.