I feel strongly based on personal experience that abusive parents should not get access to grandchildren UNTIL the grandchildren are old enough to decide for themselves. This for me means a child who can recognise abusive behaviour and has the confidence and means to leave a bad situation, so it might be a 12-year-old with a supportive parent, or an 18 year old on their own.
I think back to pre-estrangement when I felt obliged to meet with her and the hurtful comments and behavior my kids saw and received and wince.
People outside act like this is a spur of the moment vengeful act - you're not nice to me, so you don't get to see my kids. Those exist, but this letter shows someone whose spent considerable time and thought on a horrible situation and is putting her children's long-term well-being first.
The grandparents don't want to see their grandchildren enough to make therapy viable. That's their choice. These are not grandparents who value their grandchildren more than their own self-image as non-abusive people - they are NOT safe.
I told my kids my mother was abusive to me and I didn't think she would be able to be kind or polite around us, so we weren't going to meet with her anymore. As they got older, I revisited this with them so they had the opportunity to meet her on their own, and some of them did that, then swiftly changed their minds, and others will have very very occasional contact. The same has happened with other grandchildren.
There are other old people who want to dote on your kids and other family members and friends. Find the people who nourish your family, who when you fight, make an effort to come together and find a way forward. Not people a therapist warns you off!
no subject
I think back to pre-estrangement when I felt obliged to meet with her and the hurtful comments and behavior my kids saw and received and wince.
People outside act like this is a spur of the moment vengeful act - you're not nice to me, so you don't get to see my kids. Those exist, but this letter shows someone whose spent considerable time and thought on a horrible situation and is putting her children's long-term well-being first.
The grandparents don't want to see their grandchildren enough to make therapy viable. That's their choice. These are not grandparents who value their grandchildren more than their own self-image as non-abusive people - they are NOT safe.
I told my kids my mother was abusive to me and I didn't think she would be able to be kind or polite around us, so we weren't going to meet with her anymore. As they got older, I revisited this with them so they had the opportunity to meet her on their own, and some of them did that, then swiftly changed their minds, and others will have very very occasional contact. The same has happened with other grandchildren.
There are other old people who want to dote on your kids and other family members and friends. Find the people who nourish your family, who when you fight, make an effort to come together and find a way forward. Not people a therapist warns you off!