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Content note: This entry contains childhood cruelty via the internet
Dear Care and Feeding,
A few days ago, I was looking through my 14-year-old daughter’s phone. I do this once a week, just to check she’s not being rude or anything (there was once an issue at her school where several unnamed children were being very rude online). Everything seemed okay, but then I suddenly decided I should probably look through her messages, too. I found a WhatsApp chat called “Wonderful People Only.” On the group there was about 60-70 children, all of them about her age. I think they are all from her school, but I’m not sure.
I’d never seen this WhatsApp on her phone before, so I scrolled to the top. The chat was created in December, and she was one of the original 20 people to be added. To start with, the group seemed to revolve around those 20 people (including my daughter) saying extremely rude things about another girl, “Millie.” I wasn’t happy about this. But then, in January, Millie was added to the chat so she could see what horrible things were being said. They called her a spoiled brat, a b***h, a freak, and more. And my daughter was the ringleader. After reading this I immediately sat my daughter down and asked her what the heck was she doing. My daughter replied that Millie had been being “extremely rude” to her and the other people in the group since Millie joined the school in November. So these people got together and made a WhatsApp group so they could rant about their frustrations. Apparently it was never intended for Millie to be added.
I asked my daughter to give examples, and my daughter replied that Millie had refused to download social media, didn’t wear trendy clothes and barely used her mobile phone. I explained to my daughter that doing these things was not being “extremely rude” and Millie simply had different interests to her peers. My daughter said that it was wrong for Millie to not be like anyone else. I tried to talk to her, showing her videos about diversity, etc., but they didn’t work. And then I found out that Millie had been invited to our house the following Saturday. I told my daughter that Millie could still come round, but if I heard any rude comments she would be leaving. When Millie came round, I found out that she is Black, bisexual, and transgender. I don’t have a problem with any of those things but apparently my daughter does. I immediately took Millie home. I’ve confiscated my daughter’s phone but she still makes random comments to me about how “stupid” Millie is. How can I explain to my daughter that this isn’t okay?
—Not So Wonderful People Only
Dear NSWPO,
I’m not sure that you’re going to like what I have to say here. Your daughter was part of what sounds like a significant cyberbullying incident targeting a girl of marginalized identities. She and the other kids ought to be held accountable for what they did to Millie, and I think you should inform the school of what took place and who was involved. There have been too many tragic stories of children taking their own lives after being targeted in such a way for this to be taken lightly. Your daughter still clearly doesn’t understand the potential dangers of what she has gotten herself involved with, as made evident by her willingness to make fun of this girl in front of you.
The school may see fit to punish your daughter and the other bad actors in this situation, and I think that would be appropriate. I also wonder if you have given any thought at all to how you might enforce consequences yourself. Does your daughter still have access to the phone she used to harass her classmate? Perhaps there should be some limitations on her phone communications until she can prove capable of conducting herself responsibly. If social media use and trendy clothes are the metric by which she feels empowered to judge other kids, perhaps she should experience a period of time without access to either of those things. I personally can’t fathom the idea of allowing my child to engage in such cruel behavior without making it very clear that it would not be tolerated and that she can expect to be punished if ever she’s caught doing such a thing again.
Furthermore, you need to talk to your daughter about Millie’s humanity. She is a person with thoughts and feelings, and there’s nothing she could have done to warrant being singled out for abuse. It must be incredibly difficult for her to exist in a space where most of the kids aren’t Black or LGBT, and she deserves to be protected, not picked on. Your conversations about how to treat people who are different will need to be frequent and serious. Did she tell you straight out that she has a problem with Millie’s identity? (I’m so curious as to why this child ended up in your house, and what led to you taking her home.)
Also, let your daughter know that while Millie’s identity makes her more likely to be targeted, that the same kids who were happy to bully Millie with her could easily turn on her in the future. Talk to her about what cyberbullying is and why it is so dangerous. Keep that phone largely away from her for the foreseeable future and make it so she can’t download any chat apps at all. Make it clear that bigotry and hatred will not be tolerated and that she is expected to treat everyone with respect. And, again, I think you should report what happened to Millie to the school. Her parents need to know what she’s endured, and she deserves whatever sort of support mechanisms that may be available to her. This will likely upset your daughter, but it will also help her to understand the gravity of what she has done–and, hopefully, prevent her from behaving the same way in the future.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/combat-cyberbullying-advice-phone.html
A few days ago, I was looking through my 14-year-old daughter’s phone. I do this once a week, just to check she’s not being rude or anything (there was once an issue at her school where several unnamed children were being very rude online). Everything seemed okay, but then I suddenly decided I should probably look through her messages, too. I found a WhatsApp chat called “Wonderful People Only.” On the group there was about 60-70 children, all of them about her age. I think they are all from her school, but I’m not sure.
I’d never seen this WhatsApp on her phone before, so I scrolled to the top. The chat was created in December, and she was one of the original 20 people to be added. To start with, the group seemed to revolve around those 20 people (including my daughter) saying extremely rude things about another girl, “Millie.” I wasn’t happy about this. But then, in January, Millie was added to the chat so she could see what horrible things were being said. They called her a spoiled brat, a b***h, a freak, and more. And my daughter was the ringleader. After reading this I immediately sat my daughter down and asked her what the heck was she doing. My daughter replied that Millie had been being “extremely rude” to her and the other people in the group since Millie joined the school in November. So these people got together and made a WhatsApp group so they could rant about their frustrations. Apparently it was never intended for Millie to be added.
I asked my daughter to give examples, and my daughter replied that Millie had refused to download social media, didn’t wear trendy clothes and barely used her mobile phone. I explained to my daughter that doing these things was not being “extremely rude” and Millie simply had different interests to her peers. My daughter said that it was wrong for Millie to not be like anyone else. I tried to talk to her, showing her videos about diversity, etc., but they didn’t work. And then I found out that Millie had been invited to our house the following Saturday. I told my daughter that Millie could still come round, but if I heard any rude comments she would be leaving. When Millie came round, I found out that she is Black, bisexual, and transgender. I don’t have a problem with any of those things but apparently my daughter does. I immediately took Millie home. I’ve confiscated my daughter’s phone but she still makes random comments to me about how “stupid” Millie is. How can I explain to my daughter that this isn’t okay?
—Not So Wonderful People Only
Dear NSWPO,
I’m not sure that you’re going to like what I have to say here. Your daughter was part of what sounds like a significant cyberbullying incident targeting a girl of marginalized identities. She and the other kids ought to be held accountable for what they did to Millie, and I think you should inform the school of what took place and who was involved. There have been too many tragic stories of children taking their own lives after being targeted in such a way for this to be taken lightly. Your daughter still clearly doesn’t understand the potential dangers of what she has gotten herself involved with, as made evident by her willingness to make fun of this girl in front of you.
The school may see fit to punish your daughter and the other bad actors in this situation, and I think that would be appropriate. I also wonder if you have given any thought at all to how you might enforce consequences yourself. Does your daughter still have access to the phone she used to harass her classmate? Perhaps there should be some limitations on her phone communications until she can prove capable of conducting herself responsibly. If social media use and trendy clothes are the metric by which she feels empowered to judge other kids, perhaps she should experience a period of time without access to either of those things. I personally can’t fathom the idea of allowing my child to engage in such cruel behavior without making it very clear that it would not be tolerated and that she can expect to be punished if ever she’s caught doing such a thing again.
Furthermore, you need to talk to your daughter about Millie’s humanity. She is a person with thoughts and feelings, and there’s nothing she could have done to warrant being singled out for abuse. It must be incredibly difficult for her to exist in a space where most of the kids aren’t Black or LGBT, and she deserves to be protected, not picked on. Your conversations about how to treat people who are different will need to be frequent and serious. Did she tell you straight out that she has a problem with Millie’s identity? (I’m so curious as to why this child ended up in your house, and what led to you taking her home.)
Also, let your daughter know that while Millie’s identity makes her more likely to be targeted, that the same kids who were happy to bully Millie with her could easily turn on her in the future. Talk to her about what cyberbullying is and why it is so dangerous. Keep that phone largely away from her for the foreseeable future and make it so she can’t download any chat apps at all. Make it clear that bigotry and hatred will not be tolerated and that she is expected to treat everyone with respect. And, again, I think you should report what happened to Millie to the school. Her parents need to know what she’s endured, and she deserves whatever sort of support mechanisms that may be available to her. This will likely upset your daughter, but it will also help her to understand the gravity of what she has done–and, hopefully, prevent her from behaving the same way in the future.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/combat-cyberbullying-advice-phone.html
no subject
No, what I see is that Daughter's argument, that she used to defend herself to her mother, is that Millie is being "rude" by not conforming.
That's an incredibly stupid argument, as noted, and I can't shake the feeling that the only reason any child would use it to their parents is if, for some reason, their parents spent the last 14 years somehow not teaching them acceptable behavior and why "they're not like me" isn't a reason for bullying.
14 years old is a bit late to suddenly start talking about the value of human diversity!
I'm also struck by the fact that LW seems to think of this and the previous incident as isolated one-offs. "There was once an issue at her school where several unnamed children were being very rude online" - yeah, that was then, and this is now, and now there is ALSO an issue where several unnamed children at your kid's school are being very rude online, which makes this seem like a pattern - and I have no doubt that they're also "being very rude" in person.
LW is not taking this seriously enough.
no subject
no subject
Calling others "rude" for not conforming sounds to me a bit as though this girl may have grown up hearing "we don't do that, darling, that's rude" for every sort of behavioral infraction, and essentially learned that the important thing was to conform to a certain outward look, and otherwise do what you want. I may just be making that up, of course.
Another basically irrelevant matter: I wonder if LW is British, given the use of expressions like "different to" and "come round."