Dear Prudence: Medical Residency & Relationship

[minoanmiss]

Q. Roiled in residency: My boyfriend is about six months into his first year of a medical residency program. He works 80-hour weeks and is constantly emotionally abused by his supervisors. This is par for the course in his specific program and, though he would like to make changes when he becomes a supervisor, he has little to no power to effect change now. The problem is this: He cannot, or will not, engage in any deep conversations when we spend time together. He’s so tired and emotionally fried that all we discuss is his day, some events in the news, and updates on our respective families. So many of the conversations I want to have are “off-limits”: hopes/fears/dreams/worries about our future together, trips I’d like to plan after COVID, anything that could remotely cause conflict.

I’m sick of having to manage his emotions and walk on eggshells. He has 10 days of vacation time for the whole year and can’t really use it because he’ll get in trouble with his team. He has a day off once every week or so, and he spends it catching up on sleep and playing video games to “unwind.” Even when he was in med school, he still made me and our relationship a priority. I feel like I don’t know this man anymore. I suggested counseling but the same issue comes up—he doesn’t have the bandwidth to discuss anything beyond our immediate day-to-day life. I’m at my wits’ end. What should I do?

A: It feels a little lazy to say this, but if you’re at your wits’ end, if he’s not willing to go to counseling with you, and nothing’s changed despite repeated attempts on your part, I think you should probably break up with him. Yes, even if you used to have a better relationship in med school, even if you think he’s a generally good person, even if you understand why he’s so fried all the time. It’s reasonable to believe this dynamic is going to continue for years, it’s reasonable to decide you don’t want to be in a relationship where such a dynamic is present, and it’s reasonable to walk away even if you know he’s not personally responsible for the overwork and mistreatment of medical residents generally. This relationship isn’t working for you, and this relationship isn’t changing; I think what you were hoping for is that I could offer a suggestion that would finally convince your boyfriend to take your frustrations seriously and do what you’ve been asking him to do. I don’t have such a suggestion! I just think you should leave wits’ end, even if it means you can’t take your boyfriend with you.

Comments

[shirou]

Everyone has needs, sure. Yet after only six months, LW is “at [her] wit’s end” because of how the unusual exhaustion and abuse her boyfriend is suffering affects her. I don’t see a single word in this letter expressing concern for how the abuse is affecting him—the victim.

[likeaduck]

Six months of not addressing any conflict, or not addressing the state or future of a relationship (depending on the stage the relationship is at--sounds like theirs might be in a stage where they're still figuring out if their long-term plans are compatible) is a really long time. And his work situation is abusive, sure, but that's not a reason to just put up with him not being available for the kind of relationship the LW thought they were in, if he can't have any conversations about how and when he expects it to be different.

There are whole gender pieces to this too: how much of this do you think is that he doesn't view emotionally investing in his relationship as important compared to his job/the prestige of this probably-not-coincidentally-abusive program? How much does he not see that investment or maintenance work as his responsibility?

[likeaduck]

CRISTINA YANG ICON NOT ACCIDENTAL

[shirou]

I'm not sure we're disagreeing? I don't think LW has some kind of moral obligation to put up with her boyfriend being emotionally unavailable. She can leave, and better she do so than continue demanding something he is in no position to provide.

What I said is that I would not want to co-parent with someone who can't handle six months of emotional unavailability. Parenting asks a lot more of you.

As for gender: LW says her boyfriend was emotionally invested until the residency, including during med school, suggesting he does see emotional investment as his responsibility—when he has anything left over to invest.

[likeaduck]

I mean, what you said was, "I hope he dumps her," which seems to suggest you think she's being unreasonable. And you seem to be generalising your desire not to co-parent with her to at least her boyfriend.