agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: I'm having issues with some things my mother-in-law has said to me. First, here's some background information:

In January 2015, I found my husband of many years dead on the floor of our home after suffering a heart attack. I am a nurse and began CPR immediately to try to save him. I was unsuccessful. As a nurse, I know and understand what happened was something I wouldn't have been able to save him from. However, it was a very traumatic experience. I was a widow before the age of 50.

Fast forward, I met and married a wonderful man, and we love each other dearly. I thank God for him every day and know he was sent to me.

I have treated his parents like my own. Since I am a nurse, I have helped with their medical issues. I plan, purchase and prepare a dinner every Sunday after church and send leftovers home with them.

His mother started making horrible comments toward me. First, she told me that I have a large chest and bottom. I responded with yes, I do, but your son enjoys them equally and frequently. If you have a problem, talk to him. She has accused me of murdering my former husband and of trying to put her in a home so I can steal her money. She refuses to believe she has done anything wrong and refuses to apologize. Lastly, she tells her son and others she doesn't know why I don't like her.

I have tried to talk to her and have written a letter to her explaining exactly why I will not have anything to do with her because of the horrible things she has said to me. I need help with this monster-in-law. -- Eaten Alive

Dear Eaten Alive: It sounds like you've already tried all the logical, considerate ways of breaking bread with this woman to no avail. Has your husband tried speaking with her? I'd think he's equally unhappy and embarrassed with how his mother has treated you that a word from him would go a long way. It's also not at all unreasonable to want him to defend you to his family after you've done nothing but care for them as if they were your own.

For now, continue to focus on and nurture a relationship you have control over -- your marriage to your husband. Though her concerns are completely unfounded, give his mother the time and space to come around. I hope she finds it in her heart to accept you with open arms and release the reservations about your past that she's holding onto.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2723682

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Advice is painfully incomplete.

There are two reasons for this woman to be acting like this. The first, which LW and Annie seem to assume is the case, is that she's just the world's biggest asshole.

The second is that there is something very seriously wrong, she needs to be checked out by a doctor, and her family needs to begin making some plans.

Given that LW states that her MIL has "started making horrible comments towards me" rather than that she's always been that way, I think there's pretty good odds that it's the latter.

Alternatively, if it really and truly is just meanness, then LW needs to cut ties with this MIL entirely, and her husband needs to back her up. If he won't do that, then her problem is with him.

Very much agreed. The onset of dementia and other medical issues often causes changes in behavior and a loss of "filter."

MIL should have a medical checkup and neuro workup immediately, but LW should NOT have to take responsibility for handling it.

(I'm surprised that, as a nurse, she didn't bring this up -- maybe the letter got trimmed?)

This bit: She has accused me of [...] trying to put her in a home so I can steal her money -- makes me wonder if LW is reluctant to mention the dementia idea (and wanted it to be someone else's idea) lest anyone think the accusation is true.

Huh, I wonder if LW did suggest that MIL get evaluated for dementia and that's where this came from.

This so much.

First, she told me that I have a large chest and bottom. I responded with yes, I do, but your son enjoys them equally and frequently. If you have a problem, talk to him. She has accused me of murdering my former husband

...Never have I seen an advice column letter go from zero to sixty quite this fast.

I have to say, I have been blessed without having relatives who would be so horrible to me, so I cannot categorically say I would never feel driven to this reponse:

First, she told me that I have a large chest and bottom. I responded with yes, I do, but your son enjoys them equally and frequently.

But I would have to be extremely at the end of my rope to even consider it.

I actually thought it was a great reply.

oh man, the thought of implying "i do sex with your son" is just so uncomfortable to me.

I agree it is cringe and TMI, but I thought it was an appropriate response to a very inappropriate remark.

Ahahah I have been tempted to say pretty much that to my mother, when she continued to give me shit for my weight after I fell in love with someone who finds me beautiful. That's one of the reasons I stopped talking to her, to keep myself from saying such things.

I fell in love with someone who finds me beautiful.

There have been multiple such someones, as I recall.

Your mother can go suck eggs.

blushes and hugs you