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Dear Prudence,
I’m struggling with what to tell my parents when they pester me about why my husband and I don’t bring our two young kids (3 and 5) to visit them more than once or twice a year. We all used to live in the same metro area, but a few months before our first child was born, my parents moved into a luxury full-service retirement facility almost four hours away. It’s so expensive we’ll be lucky if they leave enough to cremate them. And far from enjoying themselves, they do nothing but complain about the demanding and bigoted old rich folks who populate the place.
They accuse me of loving my in-laws more than them. I wouldn’t say that—but my in-laws did help us buy a lovely house with a separate suite, which they moved into when our first child was an infant, to save us the cost of a nanny. They spend quality time with our kids every day and seem genuinely interested in them as individuals. Their plan is to spend only what they need to and leave most of their money to us. (My husband is their only living child; his sister died tragically young.) This may be partly a cultural difference since I’m white and my husband is Chinese American. But we’ve already mutually decided that this is exactly how we want to behave toward our grown children and grandchildren (assuming, of course, that it doesn’t conflict with their wishes).
In contrast, it feels like my parents have decided to prioritize themselves and not invest in future generations, and that this is a continuation of a lifelong pattern. They had six kids seemingly just because they liked babies, losing interest in each of us as we grew old enough to speak our minds. They didn’t help me or my siblings with college; we had to either go into blue-collar work or wait until our mid-20s when we could qualify for loans independently, thus getting a late start in our careers. They didn’t contribute to our homes, weddings, or emergency expenses. Of all six of us, I’m the only one who even has kids, and only because I married someone better off.
So now them wanting to see my kids all the time feels like wanting to have their cake and eat it. Should I communicate this to them? Or keep my petty bitterness to myself and continue to make excuses about the long drive, even as the kids get older and less exhausting to wrangle?
—Disenchanted Daughter
Wait a minute. Why is there so much discussion of money and inheritance in a question about grandparents wanting to see their grandkids? Your children are not for sale. At least they shouldn’t be. Put yourself in their shoes: Does the amount of money your parents contributed to your college education have anything to do with how much your kids would benefit from a relationship with them? Are you really thinking of denying them this special bond because your mom and dad didn’t contribute to your real estate goals? Sorry, but that’s messed up.
Don’t get me wrong—what your in-laws have done by helping to create a situation in which they can be in your kids’ life every day is amazing, and it makes sense that you’re grateful. It also makes sense that the reward for this arrangement is lots of time and closeness with the little ones. It’s fine to tell your parents that the logical consequence of their choice to move hours away is that they aren’t going to have as many visits. But your explanation should be about the wrangling of the kids and the exhausting drive, not what they’ve chosen to do with their bank accounts.
I’m struggling with what to tell my parents when they pester me about why my husband and I don’t bring our two young kids (3 and 5) to visit them more than once or twice a year. We all used to live in the same metro area, but a few months before our first child was born, my parents moved into a luxury full-service retirement facility almost four hours away. It’s so expensive we’ll be lucky if they leave enough to cremate them. And far from enjoying themselves, they do nothing but complain about the demanding and bigoted old rich folks who populate the place.
They accuse me of loving my in-laws more than them. I wouldn’t say that—but my in-laws did help us buy a lovely house with a separate suite, which they moved into when our first child was an infant, to save us the cost of a nanny. They spend quality time with our kids every day and seem genuinely interested in them as individuals. Their plan is to spend only what they need to and leave most of their money to us. (My husband is their only living child; his sister died tragically young.) This may be partly a cultural difference since I’m white and my husband is Chinese American. But we’ve already mutually decided that this is exactly how we want to behave toward our grown children and grandchildren (assuming, of course, that it doesn’t conflict with their wishes).
In contrast, it feels like my parents have decided to prioritize themselves and not invest in future generations, and that this is a continuation of a lifelong pattern. They had six kids seemingly just because they liked babies, losing interest in each of us as we grew old enough to speak our minds. They didn’t help me or my siblings with college; we had to either go into blue-collar work or wait until our mid-20s when we could qualify for loans independently, thus getting a late start in our careers. They didn’t contribute to our homes, weddings, or emergency expenses. Of all six of us, I’m the only one who even has kids, and only because I married someone better off.
So now them wanting to see my kids all the time feels like wanting to have their cake and eat it. Should I communicate this to them? Or keep my petty bitterness to myself and continue to make excuses about the long drive, even as the kids get older and less exhausting to wrangle?
—Disenchanted Daughter
Wait a minute. Why is there so much discussion of money and inheritance in a question about grandparents wanting to see their grandkids? Your children are not for sale. At least they shouldn’t be. Put yourself in their shoes: Does the amount of money your parents contributed to your college education have anything to do with how much your kids would benefit from a relationship with them? Are you really thinking of denying them this special bond because your mom and dad didn’t contribute to your real estate goals? Sorry, but that’s messed up.
Don’t get me wrong—what your in-laws have done by helping to create a situation in which they can be in your kids’ life every day is amazing, and it makes sense that you’re grateful. It also makes sense that the reward for this arrangement is lots of time and closeness with the little ones. It’s fine to tell your parents that the logical consequence of their choice to move hours away is that they aren’t going to have as many visits. But your explanation should be about the wrangling of the kids and the exhausting drive, not what they’ve chosen to do with their bank accounts.
no subject
And on the other hand they have real interactive grandparents who want to do all the daily stuff AS WELL AS the fun stuff. Actual real help and not the "ooooh babies gimme" that LW's parents seem to want.
And yes there is money involved and that also adds a layer. But if you can separate the money issue and the abandonment issue.. what you have are grandparents that want more interaction but have a history of neglect. If I were LW I would inform them that they can arrange to come see the kids and recommend a hotel or airBnB nearby and if they come, they come. If they start being more than just people who enjoy babies and actually enjoy being with your little people than I would maybe consider making plans with them that involve plans you already have. Say a family vacation and they can also come (and pay their own hotel etc).
But if they prove to be the kind of parents you remember.. and stop paying attention to your kids as they grow older.. I would be fine cutting them out of my life. I find people who love babies and only babies and who ignore the older kids have their own problems and I tend to not want to deal with that.