agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I am a teenage girl who has recently discovered I am bisexual. I told a few close friends, and I'm happy to say they have accepted me. Nothing has changed. I have not told any of my family yet. I know my parents will support me, but the problem is two of my four siblings. They constantly tease and taunt me, call me names and pick on me.

I have been raised to stand up to bullies, and I am mostly confident with myself. I have brought up their bullying to my parents a couple of times, but after discipline from my parents they keep doing it. They are clearly homophobic, and I know they will tease and pick on me even more if I come out to them.

I want to tell my parents, but I'm afraid it will inevitably lead to my siblings knowing. I don't think if my younger siblings knew they would care, but they might be confused or weirded out since the concept is foreign to them.

Should I try to convince my parents not to say anything to my siblings until later? I don't want to hide, but I don't want to be pushed to depression, low self-esteem or worse if my vocal homophobic siblings know and chastise me about my sexual orientation. -- NEW LGBTQ+ MEMBER

DEAR MEMBER: Your siblings are not necessarily "homophobic." They may just get a kick out of making their younger sister uncomfortable, and whatever punishment they receive is not sufficient to curb the problem. Whether your parents divulge it, your sexual orientation will become apparent sooner or later, so don't bother hiding. You have friends and parents who support you. Handling negative comments from your immature sibs will give you the confidence to handle others in the future.

You may want to consider joining a LGBTQ-friendly youth group for additional support. Your parents can find ways to help you by contacting an organization called PFLAG (pflag.org). It's the first and largest organization for LGBTQ people, their parents, families and allies. You are an intelligent teen who is in the process of discovering who you are, and for that I applaud you.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2022/09/13

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Well, this is crap advice.

I'm trying to be generous when reading this letter, but a lot of little bitty yellow flags are raising. Not quite red ones, but they're warnings all the same:

1. This girl, and presumably her siblings, were "raised to stand up to bullies" - but the parents do not do anything to effectively stop sibling bullying in their home.

2. She wants to tell her parents - but she does not believe, even if she tells them in confidence, that they will keep that confidence.

3. She presumably thinks her parents will accept this - but she's worried that her younger siblings will be "confused" because "the concept is foreign to them", and she is *certain*, based on their behavior, that her other two siblings are homophobes.

What I'm getting from all this is that her parents are not safe people to tell. They would rather "raise their kids to stand up to bullies" than actually do the hard work of stamping it out in their home. They don't value their childrens' privacy, and they have never spoken positively or even neutrally to their children about being LGBTQ+ - not even by taking out a book like And Tango Makes Three from the library.

And LW has to live in this house.

I think LW absolutely should not take the inevitability of everybody finding out as a reason to tell everyone now. She needs to make a rational exit plan, one that accounts for parental support during college, and, sucky as it is, wait it out.

Also, the comments are chock full of people going "blah blah blah, why does this have to be a big announcement, nobody cares, I didn't tell people I was straight" and - man, all those people need to get over themselves and whatever is holding them back from holding an enormous, fabulous, "coming out as straight" party. Like, if they're so petty and bitter over the fact that they didn't do this, great, do it now. Do it every year for all I care, just shut up about it.

I don't know why the homophobes are always so sad and joyless, honestly.

ughghghghghggh

100% agreed.

Routinely making someone uncomfortable is not okay no matter the reason. And if someone who experiences other's people behaviour tells you that they are being homophobic, believe them. LW is way more qualified to judge that than Abby.

This is the sort of thing that a cishet advice columnist should pass along to a more experienced colleague.

Agreed!

Yeah, all of it kind of hits me where I live, but I will never understand parents who just let shit like that continue. I gave my mom a pass on my childhood for years because she was an only child, and I don't think she understood that what she just saw as fighting was my brother harassing me and me just wanting to be left alone. But she's known for decades how much I hate it, and still says I should just "not let it get to me." So, yeah.

Well, this is crap advice.

Wait, there was advice in there? All I saw was mindless platitudes and drivel. Oh, wait, this is Abby we're talking about, who wouldn't actually know the first thing about queer culture if we came up and bit her.

Sorry, snark off now.

LW needs to have a friend or two with accepting families who can shelter her during her inevitable exit plan.

Yeah, I don’t trust the parents to protect the kid in this situation — they’re already falling down on the job by not cracking down on the bullying.

As someone who was outed (and who saw my sister outed) before we were ready, I recognise the value of controlling the narrative and refusing to have secrets that can be discovered and used against you. It would probably be my advice too, not because I think it's a good way to live, but because I've seen no other way actually work in my life. If you have a secret and you have horrible people around you, it will be found out (unless you literally tell no one ever) and they will use it against you. It's just a matter of when.

That said, where does Abby get off thinking that she knows whether the siblings' behaviour is homophobic better than the LW?

...

What the fuck was that?

Please, blessed Aphrodite, let this kid find out about Scarleteen...

Agreed!!!

LW, where in the teen years are you? If you're 17, and if it looks likely that you'll be going away for college or able to move out for work in a year or two, and if you don't currently have a girlfriend, I'd wait until after you're no longer living in your parents' house. Your siblings can't spend as much time being assholes to you if you're not in the same house as them all the time.

If you're 13.... That's a lot more time to stay in the closet, but that's also a lot more time to deal with shit from your relatives. (Especially if you're bisexual and get into a steady relationship with a boy; you'll have all the "you're not really queer; you're just trying to get attention" BS, or the homophobic siblings may think they've successfully bullied you back to straightness.) Tough call.

As for whether the siblings are homophobes or not, an eight-year-old might be saying clueless stuff without really understanding what it means, but a teen's older sibling is old enough that they know damn well what they're saying when they say something homophobic.

The LW says they're sure their parents won't care, but considering they've raised their kids to be both utterly clueless about queer people and actively homophobic, I'm not sure that's actually the case. I would just not tell anyone in the family and get out of there ASAP.

yeah LW, don't tell your parents. I trusted my mom to not tell my dad. Ha.