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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I split amicably 2 years ago over personal differences. I have partial custody (every other week) of my two daughters, 8 and 10. We’re not struggling but I don’t make enough money for a babysitter and I work odd hours, so I’ve been relying on my brother “Don” to watch them sometimes. He works in health and fitness, so he makes his own hours. He’s happy to do this and has a good relationship with the kids. He is cordial to my ex-wife. There’s just one issue I recently discovered.
Unfortunately, he is also a player and in the past year, he has dated four different women (and men!) that I know of. Currently, he’s seeing “Alan” who has been around for three months. I was a little surprised when the girls said that they went to the beach with Don and Alan. I don’t know this man at all and Don barely knows him. I’m not comfortable with him around the kids, let alone in their bathing suits.
At the same time, I don’t have any other option for child care, Don isn’t charging me anything, and the girls had only good things to say about their beach trip. Am I completely out of line to ask that he keeps Alan and other dates/hookups away from my kids? If I can’t find child care I will have to renegotiate the custody agreement.
–Protective Dad
Dear Protective Dad,
You aren’t out of line at all to expect your brother to be more thoughtful about who he brings around your children, even as he does you a favor by providing free child care. When you talk to him, be sure to be clear that you aren’t judging his lifestyle or choice of partners, but that it’s important for you to know the people that are going to spend time with your kids. Let him know that you don’t want them meeting a rotating cast of partners and that it would be most appropriate to wait until it’s clear that someone is going to be around long-term before introducing them to his nieces. He wouldn’t want them to get attached to someone who will be replaced in just a matter of weeks, nor should he be comfortable inviting someone he doesn’t know well himself to be around the little ones.
Your brother isn’t a parent and the concerns we tend to have about “stranger danger” don’t seem to have occurred to him. Explain that, while you know he’d never bring anyone around whom he thought to be less than trustworthy, it’s important that only people who have been well-vetted get the chance to hang with the kids. That said, considering that the children have already met and enjoyed their time with Alan, perhaps you can get to know him a little better yourself and if he seems OK, allow him to be on a (short) list of people whom your brother can bring around the girls.
You should also talk to your brother about how important his support is to you right now and make sure he feels appreciated. Hopefully, he’s not integrating his partners into time with the kids because he’s feeling overwhelmed or burdened by the responsibility; you should check in to be sure. Good luck to you.
—Jamilah
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/brother-flings-care-and-feeding-advice.html
My wife and I split amicably 2 years ago over personal differences. I have partial custody (every other week) of my two daughters, 8 and 10. We’re not struggling but I don’t make enough money for a babysitter and I work odd hours, so I’ve been relying on my brother “Don” to watch them sometimes. He works in health and fitness, so he makes his own hours. He’s happy to do this and has a good relationship with the kids. He is cordial to my ex-wife. There’s just one issue I recently discovered.
Unfortunately, he is also a player and in the past year, he has dated four different women (and men!) that I know of. Currently, he’s seeing “Alan” who has been around for three months. I was a little surprised when the girls said that they went to the beach with Don and Alan. I don’t know this man at all and Don barely knows him. I’m not comfortable with him around the kids, let alone in their bathing suits.
At the same time, I don’t have any other option for child care, Don isn’t charging me anything, and the girls had only good things to say about their beach trip. Am I completely out of line to ask that he keeps Alan and other dates/hookups away from my kids? If I can’t find child care I will have to renegotiate the custody agreement.
–Protective Dad
Dear Protective Dad,
You aren’t out of line at all to expect your brother to be more thoughtful about who he brings around your children, even as he does you a favor by providing free child care. When you talk to him, be sure to be clear that you aren’t judging his lifestyle or choice of partners, but that it’s important for you to know the people that are going to spend time with your kids. Let him know that you don’t want them meeting a rotating cast of partners and that it would be most appropriate to wait until it’s clear that someone is going to be around long-term before introducing them to his nieces. He wouldn’t want them to get attached to someone who will be replaced in just a matter of weeks, nor should he be comfortable inviting someone he doesn’t know well himself to be around the little ones.
Your brother isn’t a parent and the concerns we tend to have about “stranger danger” don’t seem to have occurred to him. Explain that, while you know he’d never bring anyone around whom he thought to be less than trustworthy, it’s important that only people who have been well-vetted get the chance to hang with the kids. That said, considering that the children have already met and enjoyed their time with Alan, perhaps you can get to know him a little better yourself and if he seems OK, allow him to be on a (short) list of people whom your brother can bring around the girls.
You should also talk to your brother about how important his support is to you right now and make sure he feels appreciated. Hopefully, he’s not integrating his partners into time with the kids because he’s feeling overwhelmed or burdened by the responsibility; you should check in to be sure. Good luck to you.
—Jamilah
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/brother-flings-care-and-feeding-advice.html
no subject
I can't tell if it's homophobia or biphobia tbh, although I wonder if it's homophobia and he honestly just doesn't understand bisexuality at all. "four different women (and men!)" implies homophobia, as opposed to, say, "four different people (women and men!)"
it doesn't matter in the answer she gives, which completely ignores the bigotry. But it kind of would matter in a better answer, because if it's homophobia, it means "I'm pretty sure that men who date men are all pedo perverts and that means they are not safe around my middle school daughters in swimsuits," whereas in biphobia it would mean "bisexual people are sluts [he is also a player] and can't be trusted for reasonable behavior or moderation."
Of course LW might mean both, let's be fair.
no subject
also like, dating a lot of people is what happens when you are single? it takes a while to figure out compatibility & even most monogamous people are not exclusive in that timeframe. three months seems like right around when you'd start thinking a relationship has legs + start introducing your partner to family?