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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I split amicably 2 years ago over personal differences. I have partial custody (every other week) of my two daughters, 8 and 10. We’re not struggling but I don’t make enough money for a babysitter and I work odd hours, so I’ve been relying on my brother “Don” to watch them sometimes. He works in health and fitness, so he makes his own hours. He’s happy to do this and has a good relationship with the kids. He is cordial to my ex-wife. There’s just one issue I recently discovered.
Unfortunately, he is also a player and in the past year, he has dated four different women (and men!) that I know of. Currently, he’s seeing “Alan” who has been around for three months. I was a little surprised when the girls said that they went to the beach with Don and Alan. I don’t know this man at all and Don barely knows him. I’m not comfortable with him around the kids, let alone in their bathing suits.
At the same time, I don’t have any other option for child care, Don isn’t charging me anything, and the girls had only good things to say about their beach trip. Am I completely out of line to ask that he keeps Alan and other dates/hookups away from my kids? If I can’t find child care I will have to renegotiate the custody agreement.
–Protective Dad
Dear Protective Dad,
You aren’t out of line at all to expect your brother to be more thoughtful about who he brings around your children, even as he does you a favor by providing free child care. When you talk to him, be sure to be clear that you aren’t judging his lifestyle or choice of partners, but that it’s important for you to know the people that are going to spend time with your kids. Let him know that you don’t want them meeting a rotating cast of partners and that it would be most appropriate to wait until it’s clear that someone is going to be around long-term before introducing them to his nieces. He wouldn’t want them to get attached to someone who will be replaced in just a matter of weeks, nor should he be comfortable inviting someone he doesn’t know well himself to be around the little ones.
Your brother isn’t a parent and the concerns we tend to have about “stranger danger” don’t seem to have occurred to him. Explain that, while you know he’d never bring anyone around whom he thought to be less than trustworthy, it’s important that only people who have been well-vetted get the chance to hang with the kids. That said, considering that the children have already met and enjoyed their time with Alan, perhaps you can get to know him a little better yourself and if he seems OK, allow him to be on a (short) list of people whom your brother can bring around the girls.
You should also talk to your brother about how important his support is to you right now and make sure he feels appreciated. Hopefully, he’s not integrating his partners into time with the kids because he’s feeling overwhelmed or burdened by the responsibility; you should check in to be sure. Good luck to you.
—Jamilah
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/brother-flings-care-and-feeding-advice.html
My wife and I split amicably 2 years ago over personal differences. I have partial custody (every other week) of my two daughters, 8 and 10. We’re not struggling but I don’t make enough money for a babysitter and I work odd hours, so I’ve been relying on my brother “Don” to watch them sometimes. He works in health and fitness, so he makes his own hours. He’s happy to do this and has a good relationship with the kids. He is cordial to my ex-wife. There’s just one issue I recently discovered.
Unfortunately, he is also a player and in the past year, he has dated four different women (and men!) that I know of. Currently, he’s seeing “Alan” who has been around for three months. I was a little surprised when the girls said that they went to the beach with Don and Alan. I don’t know this man at all and Don barely knows him. I’m not comfortable with him around the kids, let alone in their bathing suits.
At the same time, I don’t have any other option for child care, Don isn’t charging me anything, and the girls had only good things to say about their beach trip. Am I completely out of line to ask that he keeps Alan and other dates/hookups away from my kids? If I can’t find child care I will have to renegotiate the custody agreement.
–Protective Dad
Dear Protective Dad,
You aren’t out of line at all to expect your brother to be more thoughtful about who he brings around your children, even as he does you a favor by providing free child care. When you talk to him, be sure to be clear that you aren’t judging his lifestyle or choice of partners, but that it’s important for you to know the people that are going to spend time with your kids. Let him know that you don’t want them meeting a rotating cast of partners and that it would be most appropriate to wait until it’s clear that someone is going to be around long-term before introducing them to his nieces. He wouldn’t want them to get attached to someone who will be replaced in just a matter of weeks, nor should he be comfortable inviting someone he doesn’t know well himself to be around the little ones.
Your brother isn’t a parent and the concerns we tend to have about “stranger danger” don’t seem to have occurred to him. Explain that, while you know he’d never bring anyone around whom he thought to be less than trustworthy, it’s important that only people who have been well-vetted get the chance to hang with the kids. That said, considering that the children have already met and enjoyed their time with Alan, perhaps you can get to know him a little better yourself and if he seems OK, allow him to be on a (short) list of people whom your brother can bring around the girls.
You should also talk to your brother about how important his support is to you right now and make sure he feels appreciated. Hopefully, he’s not integrating his partners into time with the kids because he’s feeling overwhelmed or burdened by the responsibility; you should check in to be sure. Good luck to you.
—Jamilah
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/brother-flings-care-and-feeding-advice.html
no subject
On the other hand...LW, your homophobia is showing. Pretty telling that he wasn't bothered by it until Don was dating a man. (Also, dating four people in one year isn't really outside the norm; it certainly doesn't make Don a "player.")
In terms of introducing (or not introducing) short-term romantic partners to the kids: That's best practices for divorced parents, but my instinct is that it's less important when one is a non-parental caregiver (without the messy emotional situation of a divorce), so I don't think LW should push for Don not to introduce his partners to the kids at all, especially since LW doesn't have other childcare options. I'm curious about what you all think. (I'm not a parent, though I am a child of divorced parents, so I've only seen things from the other end.)
no subject
And that said, thinking about it from Alan's side -- if I'm seeing someone for casual sex, I wouldn't *want* to go on an outing with them and their niblings; I'd say "sorry you're busy that day; wanna come by after you take the kids home/try again in a few days?" But if after three months I'm wanting to keep the person around and see where things go, I'd be up for it.