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Dear Amy: I have been married to my husband for more than 30 years. Our relationship is loving, but challenging. I have always done most of the changing, adapting, and forgiving. Apologizing is not his forte, but he is a good, kindhearted man. We’re both professionally successful and supportive of each other. Our adult children all live nearby. We’re a close and loving family.
I’ve recently developed a condition called Amaxophobia – a specific phobia about riding in a vehicle. Symptoms include extreme anxiety, shortness of breath, nausea, and a racing heart. I have all of these symptoms – but only when I am a passenger in the car that my husband is driving. It does not affect me when I am the driver, or riding with other people.
My husband has always been a fast driver, speeding and tailgating other cars. In the last few years, I have had to hold onto the seat or side door and press my feet into the floor to feel safe, but recently, my anxiety has increased. The last time we rode together I was in tears: sweating, having difficulty breathing, teeth grinding, and terrified about having an accident.
We’ve had long discussions about this. He has agreed to drive more slowly, but doesn’t. I suggested that he drive locally, and I drive on highways. He is unwilling to make this change, so I’ve been going to the city (45 minutes away) with friends for the past several months – still agreeing to ride as a passenger with him when we’re in town.
He now blames me for ruining our future retirement. He's unwilling to go to therapy. I have no other anxiety or fear issues. Any suggestions I’m overlooking?
– Wife Looking for Answers
Dear Looking: Your husband’s career of dangerous driving, speeding and tailgating is more likely to lead to an accident as he ages and his reaction time slows.
I doubt that he would allow a neutral person to assess his driving, but the AARP does offer an online driving course (aarpdriversafety.org); I assume that successfully passing this course could lower insurance rates, in addition to coaching your husband toward safer driving.
He has staked his position, and you should be very matter of fact about your options and choices.
Your body’s extreme anxiety response is a distinct signal telling you what you need to do. This is your “fight or flight” response in high gear.
I suggest that you buy, borrow or rent a second car – or use other transportation – when you and he are traveling a far distance, so that you can safely arrive at your destination and (fingers crossed) see your husband there when you arrive.
Arriving safely at a destination does not ruin your retirement; it saves it.
Please, seek therapy for yourself, both to manage your anxiety and to discuss your response to your husband’s rigidity and lack of respect.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2716114?fs
I’ve recently developed a condition called Amaxophobia – a specific phobia about riding in a vehicle. Symptoms include extreme anxiety, shortness of breath, nausea, and a racing heart. I have all of these symptoms – but only when I am a passenger in the car that my husband is driving. It does not affect me when I am the driver, or riding with other people.
My husband has always been a fast driver, speeding and tailgating other cars. In the last few years, I have had to hold onto the seat or side door and press my feet into the floor to feel safe, but recently, my anxiety has increased. The last time we rode together I was in tears: sweating, having difficulty breathing, teeth grinding, and terrified about having an accident.
We’ve had long discussions about this. He has agreed to drive more slowly, but doesn’t. I suggested that he drive locally, and I drive on highways. He is unwilling to make this change, so I’ve been going to the city (45 minutes away) with friends for the past several months – still agreeing to ride as a passenger with him when we’re in town.
He now blames me for ruining our future retirement. He's unwilling to go to therapy. I have no other anxiety or fear issues. Any suggestions I’m overlooking?
– Wife Looking for Answers
Dear Looking: Your husband’s career of dangerous driving, speeding and tailgating is more likely to lead to an accident as he ages and his reaction time slows.
I doubt that he would allow a neutral person to assess his driving, but the AARP does offer an online driving course (aarpdriversafety.org); I assume that successfully passing this course could lower insurance rates, in addition to coaching your husband toward safer driving.
He has staked his position, and you should be very matter of fact about your options and choices.
Your body’s extreme anxiety response is a distinct signal telling you what you need to do. This is your “fight or flight” response in high gear.
I suggest that you buy, borrow or rent a second car – or use other transportation – when you and he are traveling a far distance, so that you can safely arrive at your destination and (fingers crossed) see your husband there when you arrive.
Arriving safely at a destination does not ruin your retirement; it saves it.
Please, seek therapy for yourself, both to manage your anxiety and to discuss your response to your husband’s rigidity and lack of respect.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2716114?fs
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2. "Loving but challenging" reads like a euphemism for "borderline abusive", and nothing in the following paragraphs made me rethink that.
3. I'm not really sure where this asshat got the idea that his retirement is being ruined, but regardless, it's surely HIS fault instead of hers. He's the one who refuses to compromise.
4. Any suggestions I’m overlooking?
DIVORCE.
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Get the fuck out of there, LW. The fact that your phobia is specific to your husband is telling you that he specifically is the one frightening you. It's not a phobia. You're rightfully scared of something that could actually happen.
And, sweetheart, if he's unwilling to make any changes for this when your symptoms are so severe, I'm sorry, but he's enjoying your fear and the control he has over you.
Get out.
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💯
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This is 100% a husband problem, and time to consider the Sheelzebub Principle: if his driving is unchanged in five years, would you still be willing to put up with him?
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Huh!?
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*instantly knows it's time for the Whole Man Removal Service*
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Also, "will not let wife drive when he is in the car" is almost certainly a red flag for me: it speaks to a controlling personality. Can't let someone else (literally) take the wheel.
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If the answer is that he's not comfortable with you driving, then you aren't actually the one w8th the car anxiety issues that are ruining his plans. It's him. He's the one with the anxiety issues. I realize this won't solve anything because he will never admit that, but don't let him twist it round in *your* head. (fear of letting your wife drive is called, you might have heard of this, 'amaxophobia'.)
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