Dear Prudence: Help, I Married a Horse Person

[minoanmiss]

Q. Living in a horse girl’s dorm room:

My wife was a nationally ranked equestrian when she was growing up, and rode competitively for her college team. We first started dating in college. At that time, her dorm room was covered in horse paraphernalia—photos, old riding awards, trinkets from competitions, horse-themed calendars, you name it. I never really paid much attention to it because I’m not a decorations guy and honestly didn’t care about the aesthetics of her dorm room. However, now that we’ve moved into our first real home together, my wife is starting to turn this into a horse home! There is horse-related stuff EVERYWHERE. It’s like someone’s grandma’s horse-themed attic threw up in here.

I’ve tried to gently bring it up but since I don’t really have decorative “taste” and didn’t contribute any of my own decorations, it’s not like I can suggest hanging up some of my stuff too. My wife injured herself severely in a horse accident during her senior year and hasn’t ridden since then. She gets incredibly emotional if I even suggest leaving a painting or two off the wall and perhaps putting them into storage. Prudie, I don’t need an Instagram-worthy home, just one that looks like adults live here. I don’t hang up paintings of sports teams I love or my succulent tools! I don’t understand why my wife is so attached to all this stuff and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a grown man living in a horse girl’s dorm room. I feel like a jerk for complaining because she’s the one who invested time and money into decorating, and as I said, I have no great ideas … I just don’t like the way it is now. What should I do?

A: For starters, if you want to have this conversation (again) with your wife, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come up with some ideas for how you’d like to decorate your home. They don’t have to be great, but they do have to exist, and if you can’t think of anything offhand, there’s an entire industry of “interior design suggestions” just waiting to be explored. That’s not to say you can’t approach her unless you’ve spent 50 hours designing a look book first, but do a little research, see what you like, and bring a few suggestions to the table.

I’d also encourage you to focus on what you can reasonably ask of a partner (“I want a 50 percent reduction in horse decor, and I think it’s important to keep talking about this even if you feel upset” is a perfectly achievable discussion) rather than attempt to psychoanalyze said partner (“I want a 50 percent reduction in horse decor, and I think you’re trapped in a state of arrested development because you were thrown off a horse your senior year of college. What do you think? Can you meet my terms, and do you agree that you’re psychologically frozen in time?” is not). You can be “gentle” without abandoning the topic just because your partner gets upset. Acknowledge that this is emotional for her, demonstrate patience and compassion if she starts crying, take a break if things get too heated—but don’t just back off because she gets upset.

Comments

[tielan]

I've seen in various spaces the idea floated that a lot of heterosexual couples do not actually have anything in common except sex and the bits of their lives when they're with each other. I can't speak to the veracity of this: my own experiences of het couples is that they're both a unit and individuals who do their own thing on occasion, and they know about the others' hobbies, etc., and can comment on them/accomodate them, even if it's not their personal thing.

But I think about that idea from time to time when people who are a pair seem not to know very much about each other, or when someone (usually a female) say that their (usually male) partner doesn't know anything about her hobby or life interest...

[castiron]

Yep. Spouse doesn't know details about yarny crafts, but he does know I'm interested in fibercrafts (and genealogy, and improv, and....), and he respect sthat I'm into these things even if he doesn't share those interests or get them. He doesn't have to know anything about knitting to understand that I enjoy it and to support my spending time and money on it; I don't have to be able to tell a 1971 Dart from a 1959 Chevy to be aware that Spouse is interested in cars and to support his Rock Auto habit. (He's the one who commented that his stash takes up more space than mine.)

[minoanmiss]

Plus, I don't get people who don't like seeing what their sweeties are good at. I could care less about cars except when my SO is talking about cars because he knows so much and he enjoys the subject, so it comes alive for me . I enjoy seeing him in his element. It weirds me out that people can want to spend their lives with someone and have never seen that, let alone not wanting to see it.

[helenprev]

(He's the one who commented that his stash takes up more space than mine.)

That sounds like a challenge to me. ;)

[castiron]

On the other hand, much of his stash can be stored in non-temperature-controlled spaces without it being damaged or eaten by bugs ;-). But if I decide to get into weaving when the kids are grown, I figure I totally have enough cred built up to support a 45-inch floor loom.