Dear Prudence: I'm Older Than I Look

[minoanmiss]

Prudence wants help with this one. I also need help tagging this.

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. Every Thursday in this column, we’ll post a question that has her stumped. This week’s tricky situation is below. Join the conversation about it on Twitter with Jenée jdesmondharris on Thursday, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday.

Dear Prudence,

I have some complicated feelings. I am petite, to the point of being diagnosed with proportional dwarfism and protected under the ADA against discrimination because of it, (less than 4’10” and my highest body weight has been 96 lbs., think “living doll”) and because of this, I look between the ages of 12-to-17 depending on my outfit/makeup of the day, despite being 23. I often get comments like “wow, you’re so short,” “I thought you were somebody’s little child,” or even the “M-word” screamed at me across the street, and I’ve even been denied alcohol purchases despite having my legal, valid ID, without any question or comment from managements. I usually kind of just blink at the people, let them marinate in their stupidity of “you literally just said that to another person.”

But it gets so much worse with my partner. They’re 6’6”, extremely tall, and look their age of 30. When we’re together in public, we’ve had people physically touch us to separate us and ask how old I was. On a recent vacation together, they left to go to the bathroom as I was standing in line for caffeine, and a TSA agent approached me and asked if I knew them and was safe, regardless of my partner handing me the rolling luggage to keep and me not showing any typical signs of trafficking, even talking to the family in front of us on their way to Disneyland. This has happened several times, from doctors to shop attendants to just people on the street. I usually brush it off, get slightly annoyed, or just don’t even react anymore. Should I start causing scenes and crying “discrimination,” or keep silently seething?

— Short Fuse is Getting Shorter

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I want to draw them

I am utterly baffled. How does one quickly inform strangers that one is a tiny adult in a way that can be believed? Wear one's driver's license in an ID holder?

ETA: here are the answers: https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/08/short-partner-dear-prudence-advice.html

[ambyr]

This is a problem I also had at that age (down to some really awkward incidents involving my partners), and I’m taller than LW, although several of my family members are not. All I can say is: it does get better once you hit 30 or so. In the meantime, it is extremely annoying and there’s no good solution.

[purlewe]

OOOOF my sister had similar problems. Couldn't get the kind of job she wanted bc they kept saying she needed more experience but what they really meant was she looked too young (she did 4 years worth of experience and applied 3 times) thankfully her husband isn't that tall. (only 5'6") But she finally stopped getting stares and comments when her hair turned grey.

I feel like she needs... some very strong words.. like I am going to call a lawyer if you don't stop touching me. or something similar. but I feel bad for them. It makes no sense why people act like this. My sister (when she was younger, but old enough to realize that she was being treated differently) would put her hands on her hips and tell them off.

[cimorene]

There are people of normal height who have problems with looking young, to a much smaller degree, and I'm not sure there's any good way for them to combatt it either. Trying to look older is the only like... potentially helpful thing, but it's got a very limited potential. Obviously, like someone else said, gray hair is one way. But barring that, someone this petite may not be able to do anything.

Except strategize how to respond, of course. I hope she can get useful suggestions - maybe someone with experience with a relevant field will have an idea. Or maybe some sort of legal advice...

[movingfinger]

Hmmm... Dress very maturely and cultivate a "don't-f-with-me" demeanor? Pitch voice lower when talking to busybodies?

The transfer of attributes of adulthood down onto children is a problem here. Makeup, accessories, credit cards, etc. There is very little that is out of reach of a child---other than the driver's license, which someone decided wasn't real (!!!!!).

[taimatsu]

I suddenly wonder if there’s a way for the LW to try different dress styles to see what makes her look older, and get feedback from (nice) people who don’t know her. Facebook communities perhaps. But yeah, I figure she is going to have to dress for ‘looking as old as possible’ rather than for what she actually likes or finds comfortable, which sucks.

[melannen]

I want to note here that being left with the luggage/not showing any obvious signs of trafficking/conversing normally doesn't mean someone isn't in trouble! Traffickers know how to convince people there's no point trying to get away, and will show them (limited, revokable) trust as a reward. And everybody wants a chance to have a normal conversation if they can.

THAT SAID, trafficking is rare enough that there's no excuse for this making your life a misery.

My only suggestion really is to dress twenty years older when you're in places where there is a risk. I had to do this to some extent when I was a young-looking mid-twenties working in high schools. But it was amazing how much difference something like a pair of shoes or a piece of boring costume jewelry made. (Also, the more you look like a proper middle-class fortysomething, the less likely people are to think of traffickig.) Maybe consult your mom on her style? (I know this is even harder because a lot of very small women end up having to shop in the teen clothing sections just to find things that will fit.)

You shouldn't *have* to do this, and if you feel like making a fuss that is ABSOLUTELY your right, but if you want to avoid a fuss it might help.

[serafina20]

THAT SAID, trafficking is rare enough that there's no excuse for this making your life a misery.

I'm not sure that's true. I think I've read that airline attendants are trained to keep an eye out for human trafficking situations because it is becoming so common.

[lethe1]

+1

[melannen]

"People are acting like this is a major issue" and "This is actually a major issue that they are behaving proportionately to" are, unfortunately, not the same thing.

Not to downplay that trafficking is happening! And it certainly depends on what you mean by 'trafficking'. But the classic idea of someone being forced into bondage, while it does happen, is still quite unlikely to look like what people are taught to 'keep an eye out for' that might catch LW. We're in the middle of a bit of a moral panic about human trafficking that's making dealing with actual traffickers harder.

(In fact the biggest story I was seeing about flight attendants being trained involved a case where they tried to separate mother and daughter because the daughter was mixed-race and the mother wasn't.)

[lilysea]

I had a friend in high school and uni, who was very short by local standards without being a short-statured-person, and her face also looked young. She was still losing her baby teeth at age 18!

Even when she was a fully qualified barrister, people genuinely thought she was 12! She started wearing makeup all the time (not common in Australia) and also wearing very formal business suits all the time.

[lilysea]

Follow up comment: the same person was on her way to her year 12 chemistry exam (university entrance exam, sat by 17-18 year olds) when a teacher tried to round her up as a lost/missing year 7 student (high school starts in year 8, year 7s were being given an orientation tour)

This was when she had missing baby teeth

It wasn't until she snapped at the teacher "What is your full name, so that I can make a formal complaint about failing my TEE chemistry exam because you detained me against my will"

that the teacher believed that she was not a stray/lost 11-12 year old...

[laurajv]

It's funny. I am not as short as the LW, although my mother is, and neither she nor I had this problem even when we were young -- I was routinely assumed to be the mother of my four-years-younger-than-me sister when I was in my teens (when I was usually wearing, like, a band tshirt, cutoff jeans, and sneakers, and no makeup, so dressed like a teen). That same four-years-younger sister was usually assumed to be younger than she was, even through her PhD program. She's taller than both Mom & me.

(I later found out that most of my mother's friends believe her to be about 5'6" and me the same (hahah I wish)).

So I think the LW's height isn't HELPING, and maybe dressing like a person her actual age isn't HELPING, but I strongly suspect that she could head some of this off with body language. And it's not fun to have to guard one's body language in public, but here's the thing: my mother and I both have I Will Fuck You Up body language, and my sister has Gentle Waif body language. (This is extremely funny bc in fact my mom is a gentle waif and my sister is mean as hell. I love her but I have no illusions.) If there's anything LW can do to make her body language more -- Solid Adult Not To Be Messed With, maybe?, it might help. Specific suggestions: keeping shoulders and hips squared and standing balanced on both legs, instead of relaxed/slumped shoulders, hips tilted, one leg supporting/one leg bent, instead of Polite Listening Face, cultivating a flat, unamused face -- not bored, but Having My Time Wasted -- that kind of thing.

[feldman]

At 5'1" I'm a strapping corn-fed amazon compared to my five aunts, one of whom was a line supervisor at an auto plant. Those are the kinds of things I modeled from them, claiming space physically, and wearing a Carrie Fisher kind of expression.

Also, when I look up at someone, I'll get my shoulders and ribcage into it, instead of moving just at the neck. It's more comfy but reads stiffer/adult, and it shows more facial expression than just big eyes looking up from the weeds.

Work boots helped me. Dating someone younger than me but with grey hair definitely did not. But if I slapped his ass playfully when we got looks, it established my adult cred enough for us to not get harrased at the mall.

[laurajv]

I did not even realize until you said this, but I absolutely use my shoulders and ribcage when I look up at people. So does Mom.

[sporky_rat]

....this could be me writing in, I swear. I'm four foot nine inches tall, I married someone six feet tall.

I am petite, I am young looking, I have been asked if I'm in trouble and if the man is bothering me. (Still get that.)

The only thing that helped was body language. Dressing older (and I mean like skirt suits in tweeds older) didn't help, nothing but 'I will eff you up' body language works. Straight shoulders, head forward, firm face, look from the chest and hips, not the neck.