One letter, two answers

[conuly]

Content note: Suicide

Dear Care and Feeding,

Years ago my brother missed a week of school, struggled to catch up, and then committed suicide. In a note, he explained that he got a zero on a test because it was on him to make it up, and he didn’t get around to it in time, as he was overwhelmed with make-up work. For the most part, I don’t think my parents are to blame here; they were not very strict about grades, though they did insist that we do our homework.

My niece is about to start kindergarten. I told my sister that if her daughter ever falls behind, it would be best to get her out of the regular classroom until she can get totally caught up (I don’t know to what extent this is actually an option unless you homeschool). My sister thought this sounded odd; I realized then that she likely didn’t know what led to our tragedy, as she was in college at the time. I have not yet told her. I’m worried that she will blame our parents, or even try to track down the teacher who gave our brother the zero; I guess I could leave that part out and just say that he was overwhelmed with make-up work. Should I tell my sister now? Maybe wait a few years, or until I hear about a problem involving school?

—Is It Too Soon

****


Dear Too Soon,

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. While the struggles he faced at school may have been the inciting incident that led to his devastating choice, it’s more likely that he was dealing with other sources of deep pain and frustration. Furthermore, I don’t want you to worry that falling behind in school is enough to push a young person to end their life; it’s hard to imagine that there wasn’t a greater reason that such an event could push him in the way that it did. There has to have been more to the story.

I don’t think that telling your sister additional context about your brother’s suicide will lead her to go after people whom she’d perhaps find responsible, but I do think you should express to her how what happened with him has led you to have certain anxieties related to your niece. It’s normal to want to protect the children in our lives from the horrors of the world, and you have experienced one of the most profound tragedies that a family can endure. Your sister will likely understand why you are feeling the way that you do, and hopefully, can support you as you come to accept the fact that keeping a kid from missing too much school isn’t enough to guard their mental health.

Throughout your niece’s life, you can and should be a person whom she feels safe talking to about her feelings, her stressors, and her identity. One way that you can protect her is by remaining a solid source of support and empathy, even if that puts you at odds with her parents at times. Check in on her, and make sure she has the things that she needs and doesn’t find herself isolated, struggling to cope without a solid support system.

I also strongly suggest that you talk to someone, if you aren’t already, about the loss of your brother. What happened was not simply devastating, it was confusing and scary, and it has undoubtedly had a significant impact on you. A professional can help you sort through your emotions, your triggers, and the worries you have for your niece. I am wishing you all the best as you continue your lifelong healing journey.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/08/daughter-friend-care-and-feeding.html

***********

A. I am so sorry to hear about what happened to your brother. If your sister ever expresses any curiosity about the circumstances of his death, you should feel free to tell her what you know. But she was an adult when it happened and hasn’t asked, which makes me believe she doesn’t want to know any details. You can keep the story to yourself for now.

I also want to say that focusing on falling behind in school as the cause of his death may be missing the mark. It sounds like that incident was so unbearable for him as the result of an underlying mental health issue. Instead of protecting your niece from academic struggles, your sister—and all parents—should keep an eye out for depression or outsized anxiety, and seek help for kids who seem to have a hard time managing the normal ups and downs of childhood.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/08/sister-brother-death-dear-prudence-advice.html

Comments

[movingfinger]

Neither the LW nor the columnists seem to entertain the idea that the sister, who was old enough to be away at college at the time, may know things about the brother's death that LW's parents didn't let the LW know.

LW needs to not offload managing this anxiety about the niece onto their sister, and they do need, ASAP, to find a professional to help them sort out what happened and process it. Better late than never.

When the LW has a better understanding of themselves and can manage their feelings around it, discussing what happened with immediate family only might be helpful to all of them?

[laurajv]

It seems very much like LW was a child at the time, has a child's understanding of what happened, and has not revisited (understandably!) what they know about suicide in the light of, you know, being an adult.

LW's sister, who was an adult when it happened -- and at an age and location where suicide information and prevention is frequently provided -- probably has a more nuanced view both of suicide in general and of their brother's death in particular.

[melannen]

LW, you may or may not have a complete understanding of what happened with your brother, and it's definitely worth discussing with your parents and/or a therapist before you bring anything up with your sister.

That said: it's likely school anxiety didn't *help* your brother's situation. But if you want to keep your niece from ever feeling like that about school, the solution is not to make sure she can never get behind - it's to teach her early on that if she does get behind, if she misses work or gets a zero on a test or has trouble keeping up - it's not the end of the world, and that things will still be okay even if she fails school completely. (Because it's not, and they will.)

[movingfinger]

This letter has also shown up in Ask Amy. Amy wrote:

Torn: You are assuming that your brother died by suicide because he was overwhelmed with schoolwork.

I think you should train your focus outward and understand that there were probably many factors and perhaps additional triggering events that led to this tragedy.

And yes, I hope you will choose to talk about it with your sister and tell her everything that you remember — not necessarily to influence her parenting, but because this is a primary event in the life of your family, and it is extremely important to talk about it.

When you have this conversation, you may learn that she has an entirely different understanding of the event. She wasn’t living at home at the time, but she may have insight that you lack because of the difference in your ages.

Suicide remains a taboo subject in our society, but for survivor families there are additional layers of guilt and anxiety, in addition to their deep sadness.

It is simply overwhelming, and I intuit that you are still overwhelmed and somewhat trapped in the storyline of that long-ago trauma — because you are extremely worried now about your niece’s emotional and mental health, all tied to the pressure of schooling for a kindergartner.

Therapy would be a game changer for you. I hope you accept this prompt to pursue it.

[conuly]

Huh. I would not have expected her advice to fill in the gaps the others left out. Have I been judging Amy all wrong?