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agonyaunt2022-08-17 06:38 pm
A Bintel Brief: sisters quarrel over nothing
Context: Apparently The Forward has translated and republished some of the original letters from their turn-of-the-century Yiddish advice column. They're amazing. This one is from 1922.
Respected Editor Sir!
As your reader for the past dozen years, I read my own sister’s letter published in your Bintel Brief dated September 8th:
“To move or not to move,” and I find it necessary to clarify things, as I know you listen to all sides of an issue.
A year and a half ago, when it was possible to emigrate from Poland, I received the first letter from my sister stating that she’s practically barefoot, naked and starving. She asked me to bring her and her partner over here.
Upon receiving such a letter from my sister, I immediately sent them a ship’s ticket and enough money for their expenses. Unfortunately she arrived without her love, who by then was her legal husband, though she denied that to us.
When she arrived, I asked her: where’s your partner? She then explained that though they were legally married, he wasn’t able to get his visa for that time period and so couldn’t travel together with her.
He arrived shortly thereafter, and I found him work immediately. For 6 entire months, they lived with us in our home and didn’t spend a cent. After 6 months, they paid a third of the expenses, according to what they would have paid had they been boarding with strangers. That’s how I treated my sister and brother-in-law.
Now I want to convey how they acted towards me: they lied to me worse than strangers.
Once, I was ill and bedridden for two days. I have a 1 and a half year old child and my sister wouldn’t watch him. She didn’t even offer to get the kid a glass of milk. The child was so upset the whole time, until finally he fell asleep on the floor. My husband works in a shop all day long, so I was forced to drag myself out of bed and lift the child off the floor and put him to bed.
When I felt better, I asked my sister if she thought she was treating me right to which she replied, “Shut your mouth, I didn’t come here to serve you!”
Over time, things changed. My husband was unemployed for 3 months and we experienced some difficulties. It wasn’t our best time. I asked if she could start contributing something to make up for what I’d been spending on them. Nu, a fight broke out and they moved out.
Now I ask you, respected editor, must I make amends with this kind of a sister? Can I even have anything good to say about her?
Thank you in advance.
I remain,
—YOUR MONTREAL READER
When we published your sister’s letter in The Forverts, we responded to her that the sooner she moves out of your house, the faster you’ll become good friends. We still believe it. Living together causes friction. You mustn’t hate her as she hasn’t really done any harm. We don’t see that she’s done anything terrible to you. Neither of you can claim you’re of the best sister stock. We deleted the sharpest words from her letter that were deemed unsuitable for a sister to write — and from yours too. You’re both wrong.
Now that you’re living apart, you should get along well. You remain sisters, from the same flesh and blood. You’ve done more good for each other than bad. Sisters will have words. Surely, now that you live separately you wish only the best for each other. Stop your petty squabbling. It’s unsuitable and not a good look.
Your children will suffer from it. They’ll also learn to quarrel and fight because that’s how their mothers behave. And should your children go around bickering over nothing, you’ll know how horrible and bitter it is to argue.
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If the sibling counts and years worked out I would be convinced this is my grandfather's family.
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
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Upon receiving such a letter from my sister, I immediately sent them a ship’s ticket and enough money for their expenses
Once, I was ill and bedridden for two days. I have a 1 and a half year old child and my sister wouldn’t watch him. She didn’t even offer to get the kid a glass of milk. The child was so upset the whole time, until finally he fell asleep on the floor. My husband works in a shop all day long, so I was forced to drag myself out of bed and lift the child off the floor and put him to bed.
When I felt better, I asked my sister if she thought she was treating me right to which she replied, “Shut your mouth, I didn’t come here to serve you!”
So LW effectively saved sister's life and sister's partner's life - and sister couldn't even get LW's child a glass of milk when LW was unwell enough to be bedbound?
If this is true, it's APPALLING behaviour by the sister
and LW has every right to be angry about it
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It's fascinating thinking about how I'd react to this letter if everything about these sisters didn't remind me so much of the way my great aunts talked to each other -- and they lived together from the time one of them was divorced in 1937 until the other one died in 1985. And for that matter, the way my grandmother talked to everyone.
How much of this is culture and how much is toxic families, I wonder? I mean, the outright bitchiness and the endless sniping really is a cultural thing -- not that all families from this background had it, but certainly mine wasn't the only family I knew like this, growing up.
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I am curious about LW's statement that "they lied to me worse than strangers." Perhaps it's a translation issue, or relates to something that was cut from the letter, because as I'm reading LW's account, her sister's behavior was certainly nasty, but doesn't seem to have been dishonest?
And like
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HOWEVER, it's possible there were extenuating circumstances that the sister could mention but the LW is leaving out that would make this behavior more acceptable. LW doesn't really sound unreliable narratory, there are no obvious missing reasons, but there's also the language barrier, so I can't rule it out.
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(Thank you for sharing these! They're delightful.)
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Such strange advice.
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