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Dear Amy: My brother and I are both in our late 30s.
After years of strife and our mother’s refusal to respect any of our stated boundaries, in early 2020 (after several pointless therapy sessions with her), we made the decision to go “no contact.”
We told her in therapy and in writing that we were no longer going to have a relationship, along with the SPECIFIC reasons why.
Coincidentally, both of us were also moving to new homes and we told her that we would not give her our new addresses.
She ignored that, hired a lawyer and a private investigator, got our addresses, and had things delivered to our homes.
She had a famous “specialist” in estranged families reach out to us.
She had her lawyer contact us. She sent emails and physical mail to both of our workplaces. We did not respond.
Finally, she had a family friend, “Laura” contact me.
Laura is very nice. About 15 years ago, she let me stay at her home in Europe.
Her email basically stated that our mother is devastated by the estrangement, family will always be family, no one is perfect, etc. etc.
There was nothing indicating that our mother has made any adjustments or that a renewed relationship would be anything other than the constant turmoil of the past.
None of this is Laura’s fault. I don’t want to be a jerk.
Do I have any obligation to respond?
I’m concerned that my mother would interpret any response as a sign that her persistence is “working.”
– Estranged
Dear Estranged: When parents write to me about estrangement, they frequently state that they have no idea why an estrangement has occurred, and yet – your mother does know the reason, because you have told her.
She has designated her amiable friend to be her representative, because all of her more outrageous and aggressive attempts have failed. She is now “using” her friend, which is another boundary she has crossed – with her friend and with you.
“Laura” has stated a number of truisms: Family will always be family, no one is perfect, etc. etc. There is nothing in the message to indicate that your mother is making a move toward change.
You are not obligated to reply. If you do reply, I suggest that you respond: “I received your email. I am reminded again of your kindness when I was traveling in Europe all those years ago. Thank you again for your hospitality. Otherwise, I hope you are well.”
That’s it. If she contacts you again as your mother’s representative without any specific indications regarding change, then you can further make your point by ignoring it.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2706580?fs
After years of strife and our mother’s refusal to respect any of our stated boundaries, in early 2020 (after several pointless therapy sessions with her), we made the decision to go “no contact.”
We told her in therapy and in writing that we were no longer going to have a relationship, along with the SPECIFIC reasons why.
Coincidentally, both of us were also moving to new homes and we told her that we would not give her our new addresses.
She ignored that, hired a lawyer and a private investigator, got our addresses, and had things delivered to our homes.
She had a famous “specialist” in estranged families reach out to us.
She had her lawyer contact us. She sent emails and physical mail to both of our workplaces. We did not respond.
Finally, she had a family friend, “Laura” contact me.
Laura is very nice. About 15 years ago, she let me stay at her home in Europe.
Her email basically stated that our mother is devastated by the estrangement, family will always be family, no one is perfect, etc. etc.
There was nothing indicating that our mother has made any adjustments or that a renewed relationship would be anything other than the constant turmoil of the past.
None of this is Laura’s fault. I don’t want to be a jerk.
Do I have any obligation to respond?
I’m concerned that my mother would interpret any response as a sign that her persistence is “working.”
– Estranged
Dear Estranged: When parents write to me about estrangement, they frequently state that they have no idea why an estrangement has occurred, and yet – your mother does know the reason, because you have told her.
She has designated her amiable friend to be her representative, because all of her more outrageous and aggressive attempts have failed. She is now “using” her friend, which is another boundary she has crossed – with her friend and with you.
“Laura” has stated a number of truisms: Family will always be family, no one is perfect, etc. etc. There is nothing in the message to indicate that your mother is making a move toward change.
You are not obligated to reply. If you do reply, I suggest that you respond: “I received your email. I am reminded again of your kindness when I was traveling in Europe all those years ago. Thank you again for your hospitality. Otherwise, I hope you are well.”
That’s it. If she contacts you again as your mother’s representative without any specific indications regarding change, then you can further make your point by ignoring it.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2706580?fs
no subject
LW can just block Laura, and any other willfully naive people enlisted by Mom to harass them.
no subject
I might respond with a polite, 'I find we must disagree on this, I will not discuss this with you again.' State the boundary or Laura might try again.
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Though I agree it's tempting to say "My mother is extremely abusive, and has manipulated you" and then give the messy details, but one should only do that if any random person on the street would agree that her behavior constitutes severe abuse and is not an excuse to intone "she'll always be your mother!!!!!"
no subject
"I received your email. I am reminded again of your kindness when I was traveling in Europe all those years ago. Thank you again for your hospitality. Otherwise, I hope you are well, but please do not contact me on behalf of my mother again. I will not respond to further conversation about this. Be well."
no subject
I was in this position (my mom enlisted one of my favorite of her friends to hassle me) and I just ignored the phone message. Which was the better course of action but I still wish I could have figured out how to acknowledge my honorary aunt without encouraging my mother (since she subsequently died).
no subject
And the thing is, unless you go into specific and exacting detail, having a relationship with the non-estranged person but not the estranged one is hard. A request of "don't talk to my mother about what you find out from these conversations" will be seen as effing weird, even though it is most assuredly *not*.
To sum up: Sigh.
no subject
They don't all AGREE with my decision -- it's frankly very hard to be 100% no-contact with a parent when you have as many siblings as I do, so I am Very Low Contact instead, as in I see him at weddings and funerals -- but telling them exactly why we are not in touch and them knowing exactly what I told him eliminates a LOT of his ability to use them as the middlemen.