Sense and Sensitivity: My Husband Wants to Dress Me

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband surprised me with a dress to wear out on our anniversary. I was surprised by this gesture and wore the dress proudly. I thought this would be a one-time thing. Now, my husband wants to dress me or gives his not-always-positive input on my outfits. I took his first gesture as a fun way to connect, but now I'm regretting opening this door. How can I ask my husband to step back and to stop buying me the clothing he wants me to wear? -- Fashion Emergency, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR FASHION EMERGENCY: Clearly, your husband is trying to send you a message. Before you say anything, do a visual review of what he has bought for you and what you have chosen for yourself. Figure out what the difference is between the two wardrobes and if there is anything that you like about his choices. This does not mean that you should feel OK about him putting down your choices. This may also be a fun way for you to connect with each other that sparks some youthful romance.

Feel free to tell him that while you enjoy dressing up for him, you want to take back the control of your wardrobe. Soften the blow by asking him what excites him in wardrobe choices so that you can sprinkle some of those features into your outfits.

Comments

[cereta]

Comments on the site are torn between, "Wow, this is creepy and controlling" and "What? He's just trying to improve her fashion sense." I am likewise torn, although I have a generally negative reaction to a spouse suddenly becoming what sounds like hyper-critical. If he thinks the way she dresses is somehow a problem, or even would just prefer she dress differently, then the way to do that is to say, "You know, sweetie, I think you look really good/professional/attractive when you wear more tailored clothes/wear stronger colors/whatever it is he's pushing. Of course, it's ultimately your decision how you dress, and I'll back off if you want."

Which brings me to Harriette's advice. I don't think trying to analyze the wardrobe issue is a particularly good plan. If husband won't make the straightforward statement, then she needs to ask the straightforward question. Or, if she has no desire to change how she dresses, she needs to tell him to just cut it out.

[azurelunatic]

I, uh.

I *like* it when (Mumble) wants to play dress-up with me. Because they check in with me about what I would be willing and pleased to wear, and because they have my comfort and delight firmly prioritized.

I am an active and enthusiastic participant in the process, and while (Mumble) has not *yet* bought me clothes, I trust that they would continue to involve me sensibly in the process, and would make sure that anything they got as a surprise could be returned if it did not suit.

It's enthusiastic consent, not style, that sounds like it's the problem here.

[cereta]

Your last sentence summed up what I was trying to say in two paragraphs ;). The issue isn't what he's trying to change about her wardrobe, it's how he's trying to change it: 1, without asking her if she wants to change, and 2, doing it through criticism.

[sathari]

All of this. There was not a conversation about it. And Harriet's advice dumps all the emotional labor and responsibility off on the LW, which NO. Instead of assessing her wardrobe or whatever, she should talk to her husband first about why he's doing this. Because it might have nothing to do with her personal style on any kind of "objective" level, and everything to do with his desire to play Pygmalion. And they both need to use their words about it before this goes anywhere.

(Also, OMG, Harriet's advice that implicitly suggests that LW should change her style to better suit her husband's tastes is world of NO on so many levels. Over and above any kind of "what your dude finds hot/otherwise wants to see you wear is what you should wear regardless of your personal style and self-expression" YUCK, there is also the fact that... I'm not sure how to put this, but: if he consciously or unconsciously wants to sabotage or isolate her socially and/or professionally, picking clothes that are "appropriate" by broader cultural standards but don't fit the more specific norms of her social or ESPECIALLY her professional circle are a GREAT way to do that. "Making" her wear clothes that send "off" signals to people in her wider circles is a great way to screw with her relationships with those circles without anyone using words about any of it. SSKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH.)

[jadelennox]

Yeah. It's not necessarily creepy and controlling, it might just be a communication failure. Harriet's advice, on the other hand, is appalling. Whether LW likes the husband's choices or not, that response is AWFUL.

1. No, you do not "soften the blow."
2. If he's trying to send you a message (and he may not be; he may think it's fun for both of them, as Azz described), the way to have that conversation is for LW to say, "hey, husband, is there a reason you keep choosing my clothes? Because if you're trying to say something I'd rather you say it so we can have a conversation." Not that I think now is the time for that convo.
3. It's pretty clear that LW *doesn't* think it's fun, even though Harriet thinks she should find it so. Does Harriet suggest LW dress husband as a way of resparking youthful romance? No? I wonder why not?
4. The actual good response is something more like, "Hey, husband, it was fun once, but I like to choose my own clothes." And then suggest some alternative romantic fun thing LW and Husband would *both* enjoy.

[recessional]

It's not necessarily creepy and controlling, it might just be a communication failure.

Thiiiiis, omg. *facehands*

I mean if it were my friend asking me for advice on this one mine'd be to actually ask "why are you doing this?" and have that convo, if only because knowing his response to that lets you know what kind of "okay stop" you want to be putting across - if this is a "ah okay so yeah no this isn't fun for me even if you thought it was, let's stop" situation, or if it's a "stop now and also we need to talk about why you thought that was okay and why it isn't."

IME, it's harder to calibrate that response (because gods know he might just actually think it's fun! He might not even parse the other stuff that he says as critical! I HAVE LEARNED NOT TO UNDERESTIMATE) before I know wtf the other person THINKS is happening.

But it's all within a context of assuming that no, it stops now, I just need to know whether this is a quick clarification it stops now, or a Okay Big Conversation Needs To Happen stops now. If that makes sense as a sentence outside my head.

[vass]

if it were my friend asking me for advice on this one mine'd be to actually ask "why are you doing this?" and have that convo

Mine too, to the extent that I cannot understand why that's not part of Harriet's advice.

I mean, the response starts out with "clearly, your husband is trying to send you a message," and even that is not conclusively in evidence, although it does seem likely.

Maybe he's trying to tell her he doesn't like her taste in clothes. Or maybe he's desperately trying to avoid telling her that, but still wants to modify her style. Maybe he's trying to mould her into becoming some other woman he'd like better. Or maybe he is actually not aware he's crossed the line into trying to dress her, and is just going on this autopilot "she liked it when I bought her that dress, so let's do more of that. I'm a sensitive, thoughtful husband!" Or maybe he wants to wear the pretty clothes himself but isn't ready to admit to that, so he's getting his femininity vicariously.

We just don't know. But she could ask him!

[azurelunatic]

Communication! Often helpful! Even if what it gets you is a sudden clarity of "... yeah no this needs to stop *now*."

[recessional]

I am always weirded out by the unwillingness of people to even view the possibility of asking someone wtf is going on as an option.

I can understand going "augh no direct conflict! uncomfortable!"? But the whole, it's not even ON THE RADAR . . . . if you are confused you have already proven you cannot derive their intention from silent signals! THIS IS WHY WE INVENTED WORDS?

And yeah no I have seriously learned not to underestimate the ability of people NOT TO SEE that, say, their "suggestions" and "opinions" come off as hypercritical or controlling even when that's genuinely not their intent. Especially men, but I think that's just the usual "we fail at socializing boys to be sensitive of other people's perspectives" problem, because gods know I've met some women and some who accept neither classification who are just as bad!