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My kids are always looking on the negative side of things. They come home from an outing and share all the bad things that have happened, and it’ll only be later that I’ll find out in some sideways way about good things. I can’t tell if they need to vent or if they’re just the kind of people to see the negative in everything, but it is driving me crazy! They have so much privilege and are so loved! They go to a good school, have activities they choose themselves (but not too many), get a reasonable amount of screen time, have friends, eat treats often enough, and want for nothing. And yet all I hear is, “Camp is boring!” “This one annoying boy is always following me!” “Suzy Q got her ears pierced, so why can’t I?” “It’s too hot.” “I hate going to the pool.” Etc. Last weekend we went to the beach (a beloved activity) and had a lovely time. No bumps or problems of any kind. When we got home, my kid told her dad the beach was “meh” and whined about the sand in her shoes. If that’s her attitude, I’m not going to take her again! I’ve tried “Rose/bud/thorn.” I’ve tried re-framing family conversations around asking the kids to share something “interesting” about their day. I’ve modeled focusing on the positive while acknowledging the challenging things. What else can I do?
—Gloomy Gus and Gustina’s Mom
Dear Gloomy,
You can say, “Oh, really? That’s too bad,” and move on to other subjects. Don’t indulge them in their complaints, don’t debate them (“But it looked like you were having fun!”), and don’t be petty and punish them (“You complained about the beach? NO MORE BEACH FOR YOU!”). My guess is that they know this gets your goat and that’s why, or one reason why, they focus on the negative and never tell you what they have enjoyed or how much they enjoyed it. But this is likely also a phase they will pass through (and pass through it faster if you don’t engage with it). In any case—and the more pressing matter, as far as I’m concerned—you need to find a way not to be so unhappy about their (professed) unhappiness. They feel what they feel, they say what they say. Don’t take it so personally. They’re kids. Kids are weird. They go through a lot of weird phases. And beyond their phases, and beyond their efforts to press their parents’ buttons (also normal), they also have their own personalities. Maybe they are both glass half-empty types (that is, maybe this is early evidence of that, and they will grow up to be pessimistic Eeyores). There are plenty of people like that in the world (Readers, I married one). So what? You do you, Mom, and let them do them. (I promise you, though, that whether this is a negative phase, a case of button-pushing, or a matter of personality, your efforts to fix it are backfiring and making them dig in harder.)
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/07/negative-kids-bad-attitude.html
—Gloomy Gus and Gustina’s Mom
Dear Gloomy,
You can say, “Oh, really? That’s too bad,” and move on to other subjects. Don’t indulge them in their complaints, don’t debate them (“But it looked like you were having fun!”), and don’t be petty and punish them (“You complained about the beach? NO MORE BEACH FOR YOU!”). My guess is that they know this gets your goat and that’s why, or one reason why, they focus on the negative and never tell you what they have enjoyed or how much they enjoyed it. But this is likely also a phase they will pass through (and pass through it faster if you don’t engage with it). In any case—and the more pressing matter, as far as I’m concerned—you need to find a way not to be so unhappy about their (professed) unhappiness. They feel what they feel, they say what they say. Don’t take it so personally. They’re kids. Kids are weird. They go through a lot of weird phases. And beyond their phases, and beyond their efforts to press their parents’ buttons (also normal), they also have their own personalities. Maybe they are both glass half-empty types (that is, maybe this is early evidence of that, and they will grow up to be pessimistic Eeyores). There are plenty of people like that in the world (Readers, I married one). So what? You do you, Mom, and let them do them. (I promise you, though, that whether this is a negative phase, a case of button-pushing, or a matter of personality, your efforts to fix it are backfiring and making them dig in harder.)
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/07/negative-kids-bad-attitude.html
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Maybe the kids are just being difficult. That's pretty normal if they're teens/tweens, which they seem to be. But looking at the specifics, I wonder if there's more.
"Camp is boring!": Maybe it is? Are the kids too old for camp now? Would they rather do something else?
"Boy follows me around!": Yikes, that could be serious.
"Why can't I get my ears pierced?": Yeah, why can't the kid get their ears pierced? It's their body, and ear-piercing is a low-stakes, low-risk way for a kid to start feeling some autonomy. Not allowing ear-piercing seems pretty controlling, especially when combined when LW's insistence on positivity.
"It's too hot": Maybe it is? Hot weather is unfun for some people.
"I hate going to the pool": LW, have you considered asking why?
Ugh, the more I think about the family situation here, the more I hate it.