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My kids are always looking on the negative side of things. They come home from an outing and share all the bad things that have happened, and it’ll only be later that I’ll find out in some sideways way about good things. I can’t tell if they need to vent or if they’re just the kind of people to see the negative in everything, but it is driving me crazy! They have so much privilege and are so loved! They go to a good school, have activities they choose themselves (but not too many), get a reasonable amount of screen time, have friends, eat treats often enough, and want for nothing. And yet all I hear is, “Camp is boring!” “This one annoying boy is always following me!” “Suzy Q got her ears pierced, so why can’t I?” “It’s too hot.” “I hate going to the pool.” Etc. Last weekend we went to the beach (a beloved activity) and had a lovely time. No bumps or problems of any kind. When we got home, my kid told her dad the beach was “meh” and whined about the sand in her shoes. If that’s her attitude, I’m not going to take her again! I’ve tried “Rose/bud/thorn.” I’ve tried re-framing family conversations around asking the kids to share something “interesting” about their day. I’ve modeled focusing on the positive while acknowledging the challenging things. What else can I do?
—Gloomy Gus and Gustina’s Mom
Dear Gloomy,
You can say, “Oh, really? That’s too bad,” and move on to other subjects. Don’t indulge them in their complaints, don’t debate them (“But it looked like you were having fun!”), and don’t be petty and punish them (“You complained about the beach? NO MORE BEACH FOR YOU!”). My guess is that they know this gets your goat and that’s why, or one reason why, they focus on the negative and never tell you what they have enjoyed or how much they enjoyed it. But this is likely also a phase they will pass through (and pass through it faster if you don’t engage with it). In any case—and the more pressing matter, as far as I’m concerned—you need to find a way not to be so unhappy about their (professed) unhappiness. They feel what they feel, they say what they say. Don’t take it so personally. They’re kids. Kids are weird. They go through a lot of weird phases. And beyond their phases, and beyond their efforts to press their parents’ buttons (also normal), they also have their own personalities. Maybe they are both glass half-empty types (that is, maybe this is early evidence of that, and they will grow up to be pessimistic Eeyores). There are plenty of people like that in the world (Readers, I married one). So what? You do you, Mom, and let them do them. (I promise you, though, that whether this is a negative phase, a case of button-pushing, or a matter of personality, your efforts to fix it are backfiring and making them dig in harder.)
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/07/negative-kids-bad-attitude.html
—Gloomy Gus and Gustina’s Mom
Dear Gloomy,
You can say, “Oh, really? That’s too bad,” and move on to other subjects. Don’t indulge them in their complaints, don’t debate them (“But it looked like you were having fun!”), and don’t be petty and punish them (“You complained about the beach? NO MORE BEACH FOR YOU!”). My guess is that they know this gets your goat and that’s why, or one reason why, they focus on the negative and never tell you what they have enjoyed or how much they enjoyed it. But this is likely also a phase they will pass through (and pass through it faster if you don’t engage with it). In any case—and the more pressing matter, as far as I’m concerned—you need to find a way not to be so unhappy about their (professed) unhappiness. They feel what they feel, they say what they say. Don’t take it so personally. They’re kids. Kids are weird. They go through a lot of weird phases. And beyond their phases, and beyond their efforts to press their parents’ buttons (also normal), they also have their own personalities. Maybe they are both glass half-empty types (that is, maybe this is early evidence of that, and they will grow up to be pessimistic Eeyores). There are plenty of people like that in the world (Readers, I married one). So what? You do you, Mom, and let them do them. (I promise you, though, that whether this is a negative phase, a case of button-pushing, or a matter of personality, your efforts to fix it are backfiring and making them dig in harder.)
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/07/negative-kids-bad-attitude.html
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First of all: stop demanding that they have experiences, and report their experiences, in Exactly The Right Way. Let them be their own people, and take them at their word about their own lives. Maybe it IS too hot and the sand IS annoying and they have a right to say so! And for god's sake stop threatening to withdraw good things or condemn them as ungrateful for (gasp!) having emotions you didn't authorize.
Second: take responsibility for your own emotions. It is perfectly reasonable to say "It's really a downer for me if we only talk about the unpleasant parts of the day/trip/whatever. Can we mention some positive things, for my sake?" It is NOT reasonable to present this as some Immutable Truth about their Bad Behavior. YOU are the one who is upset, LW. You're not an objective observer from on high, you're a person with a perspective. Own it.
Third: you can't tell if they need to vent, or need real problems solved? ASK THEM. Ask outright. "Do you need to generally vent some irritation/frustration, or do you need some help/advice with a problem?" You can set boundaries about how much you are willing to listen to venting! You cannot (should not) act like their venting is a terrible offense against your OMG SO PERFECT parenting.
Fourth: Depression exists. Did you know that? No, kids are not immune. Aggressively demanding positivity and punishing them for expressing unhappiness will seriously exacerbate any mental health problems they may be suffering, or even create new mental health problems. Set boundaries around how much negativity you can absorb, but within those boundaries, try to be really present. Try to remember that you do actually CARE about your kids' unhappiness. (You do, right?) Be open, be honest about your own struggles (to a reasonable degree given age and maturity - don't trauma-dump on children, but if you have had times in your life when everything felt like shit, you can share that! you don't have to be Perfectly Positive Mom!), be willing to hear it if they tell you that - despite all the good things you listed! - they feel really bad, all the time. That's not something to blame them for. That's your cue to offer support and kindness - maybe therapy if you can swing it, maybe medical checkups for the usual suspects for low energy and mood, etc. Don't just assume it's "kid moodiness" and leave it at that.
And maybe they are just inherently Eeyore-ish, and you're a Pollyanna (to mix literary references), and you're going to have to negotiate how to be kind to each other without overwriting each others' personalities. But you can't engage in good-faith negotiations, LW, while you're up on that high horse condemning the Insufficiently Grateful Children.
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I am greatly in favor of kids getting access to trustworthy adults who are trained to assess these things.
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I mean, in this world, as it is right now? There are probably a ton of kids who are depressed and dealing with emotional overload just from being surrounded by covid and rising fascism. Not that kids should need an identifiable trauma to have their problems taken seriously - but there is PLENTY of identifiable trauma for everyone, right now. LW is outright delusional if they think they can make (or have made) a perfect little family bubble that prevents any suffering. And by stomping hard on even the little complaints, they're cutting their kids off from saying anything about larger fears...