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agonyaunt2022-07-22 11:01 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-07-22 11:01 am
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Dear Prudence: I don't even know how to title this
Content advisory: sexual assault.
We are relatively new to our town and working on making friends. Our son has made friends with a very sweet boy at school whose parents invited us over for lunch while the kids had a play date. During the lunch, as we are connecting on things we have in common, it comes out that my husband (we can call him John) and the friend’s dad (let’s call him Thomas), went to the same small college, but Thomas graduated more than 18 years before John. My husband says, “You must know our most infamous alum!” and names a guy that had graduated around the same time as Thomas, and Thomas says, “Actually, that is me!” In my husband’s defense, Thomas goes by a nickname and has a very common last name; minus his middle name, you wouldn’t actually connect him with his VERY famous family and name. In any case, Thomas is exceptionally well-known: He had a very famous rape trial many years ago where he was found not guilty.
I happen to work on issues related to sexual assault for my career and know a bunch about his trial, which was pre–rape shield laws (so they put the victim on trial), and they excluded evidence of multiple other rape claims on a technicality that would not hold up today. I did a little Googling and found that Thomas had been accused of sexual assault again later in life, and his wife defended him by saying, “These cockroaches will never die.” Although the encounter was very awkward (my husband made an excuse to leave as soon as he realized who Thomas was), we have already been invited to other things with this couple and will inevitably be around these people on the regular. I do not believe in holding a child accountable for the crimes of their parents, but I am wondering if I have a moral obligation to share this information with anyone else? I would not want a female-identified babysitter, nanny, or any other young woman to be around this man. I am horrified that a woman would call victims of assault “cockroaches,” especially when I spend much of my day trying to teach people why false accusations of rape, assault, and sexual harassment are not a thing and why. What do we do here? Cut off contact? Limit contact? Warn other parents? I don’t want kids to feel ostracized because of their parents, and at the same time I feel gross being around them and making small talk.
Dear Morally Conflicted Mom,
Cutting off contact is the wise thing to do here. I know you’re sympathetic to Thomas’ son, but I just don’t see how any continued relationship with the family is going to be tenable. Moreover, if your son and Thomas’ son keep growing their friendship, it stands to reason that they’d want to spend time at Thomas’ house, which I presume is a big no-go for you. While there will surely be times this family is unavoidable given the way school works, you don’t have to associate with them.
Telling others is a slippery slope, mostly because it will likely draw you into a situation that you don’t want to be in. And others might see your actions as gossip or even slander rather than what you intend them to be. If you encounter someone who is planning to babysit for them, for instance, I think it’s fair to give a heads-up, since the information is all Google-able. But you want to be careful not to go on a crusade.
We are relatively new to our town and working on making friends. Our son has made friends with a very sweet boy at school whose parents invited us over for lunch while the kids had a play date. During the lunch, as we are connecting on things we have in common, it comes out that my husband (we can call him John) and the friend’s dad (let’s call him Thomas), went to the same small college, but Thomas graduated more than 18 years before John. My husband says, “You must know our most infamous alum!” and names a guy that had graduated around the same time as Thomas, and Thomas says, “Actually, that is me!” In my husband’s defense, Thomas goes by a nickname and has a very common last name; minus his middle name, you wouldn’t actually connect him with his VERY famous family and name. In any case, Thomas is exceptionally well-known: He had a very famous rape trial many years ago where he was found not guilty.
I happen to work on issues related to sexual assault for my career and know a bunch about his trial, which was pre–rape shield laws (so they put the victim on trial), and they excluded evidence of multiple other rape claims on a technicality that would not hold up today. I did a little Googling and found that Thomas had been accused of sexual assault again later in life, and his wife defended him by saying, “These cockroaches will never die.” Although the encounter was very awkward (my husband made an excuse to leave as soon as he realized who Thomas was), we have already been invited to other things with this couple and will inevitably be around these people on the regular. I do not believe in holding a child accountable for the crimes of their parents, but I am wondering if I have a moral obligation to share this information with anyone else? I would not want a female-identified babysitter, nanny, or any other young woman to be around this man. I am horrified that a woman would call victims of assault “cockroaches,” especially when I spend much of my day trying to teach people why false accusations of rape, assault, and sexual harassment are not a thing and why. What do we do here? Cut off contact? Limit contact? Warn other parents? I don’t want kids to feel ostracized because of their parents, and at the same time I feel gross being around them and making small talk.
Dear Morally Conflicted Mom,
Cutting off contact is the wise thing to do here. I know you’re sympathetic to Thomas’ son, but I just don’t see how any continued relationship with the family is going to be tenable. Moreover, if your son and Thomas’ son keep growing their friendship, it stands to reason that they’d want to spend time at Thomas’ house, which I presume is a big no-go for you. While there will surely be times this family is unavoidable given the way school works, you don’t have to associate with them.
Telling others is a slippery slope, mostly because it will likely draw you into a situation that you don’t want to be in. And others might see your actions as gossip or even slander rather than what you intend them to be. If you encounter someone who is planning to babysit for them, for instance, I think it’s fair to give a heads-up, since the information is all Google-able. But you want to be careful not to go on a crusade.
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And it sounds like one of those cases where just describing what happened at the trial makes him look like, at minimum, a slut-shaming rape-apologist asshole.
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Yeah, normally, but Thomas is a Kennedy who got off because his senator uncle went to bat for him, so I still wouldn't get involved, if I were LW. I don't think he still lives in Massachusetts but I wouldn't go up against that family for all the bootleg gin in Joseph P.'s basement.
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