Leading Questions: My wife and daughter boss me around. How do I deal with this?

[jadelennox]

I am a 61-year-old man who lives with my partner and three kids. One, the daughter of my wife’s first marriage, is 24. We all get on, apart from one thing that’s driving me mad. My wife can be relatively bossy at times and over this last year my daughter, the 24-year-old, has joined in. She will regularly tell me that I’m not doing things right, such as putting things in the dishwasher in the right way and place. The other day she asked me what was I doing using a head shaver in the front room etc. I can put up with my wife’s bossy ways, but now I have two to contend with.

In frustration, I asked the 24-year-old to chill a bit, and not comment every day on the things I do or tell me I’m doing something I should not be. She responded that she’s not, then ran upstairs crying. How on earth do I deal with this please?

Eleanor says: One of the great mysteries about dominating people is how big an asymmetry there is between how they experience themselves and how everyone around them does.

A person who insists on correcting every little thing – minor tasks, pronunciation, gestures, decisions – is often acting from a deep reserve of insecurity or anxiety. It’s like emotional hydraulics: their own feelings get pressurised and re-routed towards the small things in front of them, literally “taken out” on other people.

But the person who feels they have to grab for control seldom realises when they have gained control, and this can mean that the people on either side of the bullying pattern see it completely differently. One person feels that other’s preferences always prevail, while the other feels like they don’t get their way at all – after all, if they were really in charge, why would there be so much to correct? One person feels like they’re under an unyielding patrol while the other denies being the sheriff.

It’s a dangerous asymmetry, this one.

And worse, as you’ve realised, it can become habit: it can saturate a dynamic until it’s no longer notable – until it no longer feels to them like snapping when they tell you you’ve done something wrong.

As I see it, if you want this to change, the options are basically to encourage them to stop, or try to have a different reaction.

Let’s start with the first: it sounds (if you’ll permit the speculation) like your daughter might be mirroring behaviour she’s often seen. If you can cut it off at the source – your partner – you might be able to halt the surreptitious expectation that this is just how Dad gets treated.

Try to pick a particular moment. It’s hard to fix a dynamic without specific examples; “you always…” is seldom persuasive. Instead, when a particular instance of bullying comes up, try to press pause and point it out – like a lepidopterist of emotion, pinning the moment to a cork board. Get it under some glass, illuminate it, call the other person over to see: do I talk to you like that? Would I just say “you didn’t do it right”, or would I presume you have reasons for doing it your way?

If you think that sounds fruitless, and you’d prefer option two – that this yields a different response in you – you could try laughing at it. This will depend on whether you have the kind of silliness at home that allows for lightly poking fun, but you’d be amazed what a dad-like cartoon performance can accomplish – I’m putting aaaaalll the bowls upside down! I’m the bowl monster! Laughter can be a surprisingly effective and low-conflict way to functionally refuse to obey; you can resist people’s efforts to take your power by confidently telling them not to, you can also just be silly when they try.

But try not to underestimate the impact this can have on you. Small but repeated reminders that you’re doing it wrong can add up to the sense that you, just you, are wrong – and worse, you can start to believe them. Dynamics can change; but they won’t unless we change them.

Source

Comments

[jadelennox]

It astonishes me how bad Eleanor's answers always are. In this case, the man describes two behaviours: loading the dishwasher wrong (possibly one of the leading sources of pointless petty disagreements in all homes with dishwashers!), and shaving his head in the front room. I'm not saying it's always irrational to shave your head in the front room (maybe it has the best light, or the only mirror, or something), but it is not bossy to ask someone not to do it. Clippers leave tiny bits of hair dust all over the room, even when you're just maintaining a close buzz! Nothing about LW's description of his life says "man who is careful about cleaning up" or "man who doesn't shave his head in front of daughter's guests" to me.

The columnist completely assumes LW is not at fault here. And he might not be, people do get bossed around! But is there the tiniest chance that they're asking him to be a good housemate and he's being a dick about it? She doesn't ask him to even consider the chance at all.

Also unmentioned by the columnist: an economy that makes it necessary for a 24 year old to live at home in a crowded childhood home requires adaptation on everybody's parts, and a good columnist could link to resources for addressing that.

[oursin]

I was reading this and thinking, I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible that you may be mistaken that you could actually be in the wrong here; and that he is doing really annoying stuff all the time (like failing to load the dishwasher properly) and his female housemates occasionally snap.

[minoanmiss]

*cackles in agreement*

[xenacryst]

"...and then she ran upstairs crying."

I can guarantee that that did not come out of nowhere for a grown 24 year old like he suggests it did.

[movingfinger]

"...using a head shaver in the front room etc."

WHAT IS THE ETC. HERE???

Was he doing a full pedicure as well? He sounds like a slob to live with.

Anyone who calls a woman "bossy" for calling him out on shaving his head in the front room is putting his own sexism on display and should be kept in a cage in the bathroom.

[feldman]

She was probably crying bc she keeps getting stubble splinters when she sits on the couch bc LW is not house trained.

[green_grrl]

Damn, I wish he’d written to AITA instead. Or Carolyn Hax, or even, I think, Ask Amy wouldn’t screw up this badly. Now this AH is going to be convinced he’s right and start waging a war against his wife trying gamely to point out where he’s more of a deficit than a benefit to the household.

[cereta]

1. I agree with the responses that indicate a non-zero chance that LW is, in fact, engaging in some, shall we say, behavior that might warrant a gentle comment. I'm also not particularly convinced that the gender differences are irrelevant, here.

That said, I have (b) lived with people like what the LW describes, and it is no fun of any kind. I wish I had advice to give, but the answer I have gotten the two times I got far enough to bring it up was "your feelings aren't my problem."

[azurelunatic]

I remain thankful that the person in my household who uses an electric clipper with any regularity

a) does this in the bathroom or outside, depending
b) puts down a washcloth in the sink before commencing

... though I suspect that item B comes after having to clean the drain.

[kelly_holden]

b) puts down a washcloth in the sink before commencing
Huh. Good idea. I shall start doing this.

[conuly]

Well, LW, are you loading the dishwasher correctly?

Oh gods DISHWASHERS

[azurelunatic]

* first, "perfect" is the enemy of "washed" and while I could possibly load that thing more efficiently, I am very pleased that someone has done the dishes because clean dishes are a good thing.
* second, I *will* identify you and tell you the error of your ways if you loaded it in such a way that the water could not reach all the places it needed to reach in order to make it clean, because if I do not tell you the thing, then you will keep doing it and someone else will have to keep cleaning up after your cleaning.