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Dear Amy: I am a very active woman.
I go to the gym and do cardio and weightlifting four to five times per week.
I have done this since my late teens.
Recently a man at the gym has begun making small talk. He tells me his age, kids, marital status, etc., and has begun asking me questions and commenting on my beauty and body.
I am not interested in him, but don’t want to be rude.
I enjoy the peace my workout brings to me. For this reason, I wear earbuds to keep from being disturbed, but this has not deterred him.
He is getting worse and is constantly invading my space.
Is there a nice way to get this pest to leave me alone?
– Working Out
Dear Working Out: The way you have phrased your dilemma is the stereotypical way that women often respond to encroachment: “How can I respond to this without being rude?” “Is there a nice way to get this pest to leave me alone?”
Some people respond to non-verbal cues (leaving in your earbuds, conveying through your body language that you are not interested in conversing, etc.).
Others (such as this guy) interpret your niceness, your polite social cues, etc. as an invitation to encroach further.
Small talk might be a minor annoyance, but comments about your beauty and your body are completely inappropriate, and he needs to be shut down.
Because you say you want to be “nice,” the next time this man invades your space at the gym, you should give him the full benefit of a neutrally worded and clear response, using both your words and body-language.
Stop what you are doing. Hold up your hand as a “stop sign.” Say, “I’m here to work. I’m asking you not to approach me or try to converse with me, and I appreciate you respecting that. Thank you for understanding!”
Then you plug in your earbuds and resume your workout.
This man gets one polite notification from you. If he resumes – at all – you should take it to the manager, if necessary stating your case in writing, in case you need a record of your concerns.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2695845?fs
I go to the gym and do cardio and weightlifting four to five times per week.
I have done this since my late teens.
Recently a man at the gym has begun making small talk. He tells me his age, kids, marital status, etc., and has begun asking me questions and commenting on my beauty and body.
I am not interested in him, but don’t want to be rude.
I enjoy the peace my workout brings to me. For this reason, I wear earbuds to keep from being disturbed, but this has not deterred him.
He is getting worse and is constantly invading my space.
Is there a nice way to get this pest to leave me alone?
– Working Out
Dear Working Out: The way you have phrased your dilemma is the stereotypical way that women often respond to encroachment: “How can I respond to this without being rude?” “Is there a nice way to get this pest to leave me alone?”
Some people respond to non-verbal cues (leaving in your earbuds, conveying through your body language that you are not interested in conversing, etc.).
Others (such as this guy) interpret your niceness, your polite social cues, etc. as an invitation to encroach further.
Small talk might be a minor annoyance, but comments about your beauty and your body are completely inappropriate, and he needs to be shut down.
Because you say you want to be “nice,” the next time this man invades your space at the gym, you should give him the full benefit of a neutrally worded and clear response, using both your words and body-language.
Stop what you are doing. Hold up your hand as a “stop sign.” Say, “I’m here to work. I’m asking you not to approach me or try to converse with me, and I appreciate you respecting that. Thank you for understanding!”
Then you plug in your earbuds and resume your workout.
This man gets one polite notification from you. If he resumes – at all – you should take it to the manager, if necessary stating your case in writing, in case you need a record of your concerns.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2695845?fs
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The second, the script, is a bit stilted but probably effective.
The trouble is that LW isn't going to take any of it to heart. I can just see it now. They may nod along at the first part, but they won't really internalize it, and they'll never find a way to put this script into action for themselves nor modify it to something that they're willing to say.
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womanperson just needs permission from someone, anyone, to assert themselves. I could be wrong, though.Dammit.
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2. Talk to the manager. Now. Don't tell the guy you're going to do it or give him a warning/heads' up. Just talk to the manager or one of the staff you can trust straight up, straight off. Have witnesses you can trust, and have them keep an eye out for you. Do it NOW. Do it before you tell this guy 'no'.
Maybe he's nice. But maybe he's not. You won't know until you turn him down flat, and at that point, it's too late.
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