agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My husband was forced into sex at the age of 12 by an older female. He has expressed how humiliated he felt and that he made it his mission to never feel inadequate again.

He gets his “knowledge” of satisfying a woman through porn.

I have tried to explain to him that what he’s seeing is only a performance put on for the male viewer. I have tried more than once to show him what really makes a woman “tick,” but he insists I don’t know what I’m talking about and that I’m lying to him!

I have tried every gentle approach to avoid hurting his feelings.

I know from family members’ comments about his bedroom having been a “revolving door” for women that he probably didn’t use much discernment in his past.

How can I move forward when I feel like he’s stuck in the past? I know being sexually abused causes all kinds of trauma. He insists he’s over it, but his actions tell me otherwise.

I’m pretty sure I’m not his first unsatisfied partner, because all his other relationships have ended because they were “crazy, stupid, fat, unfaithful ….”

I don’t want to give up on him. Please help.

PATIENT WIFE IN FLORIDA

DEAR WIFE: Talking to your husband must be like talking to a wall. Solid marriages are built on trust and good communication, and your husband seems capable of neither. I admire your perseverance.

The fact that he may have never had counseling to deal with what he went through as a child is regrettable. It could help even now.

A licensed sex therapist might be able to help your husband see that you are not lying to him when you tell him that what pleases one woman might not please another. If you can’t make him understand what makes you “tick,” then cross your fingers and hope the therapist can get the message across.

https://www.mercurynews.com/2022/06/22/dear-abby-my-husband-insists-im-lying-about-what-women-want-in-bed/

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So, on the one hand I really feel bad for this man. He was raped as a minor - there's no "statutory" when it comes to twelve year olds - and clearly is not "over it" even if it's really important for him to think so.

However, his own personal trauma does not justify him calling his wife a liar for pointing out that statistically, most women prefer X to Y or even saying that she prefers this to that. Why would anybody lie about this?

It also does not justify him going around slandering all his exes - and on this, LW would have been wise to take the advice that if all the exes are crazy, they're not the problem. LW would also have done well to realize it's a bad idea to marry somebody who thinks it's okay to trash women left and right, because we're all crazy fat stupid bitches, whether or not they're the ex.

LW's husband needs therapy. They may also benefit from couples therapy, but he really needs his own therapy. And I do seem to say this an awful lot, but I think LW needs to lay down the law here - it's therapy or a divorce. This situation is not going to improve on its own.

Abby's advice is half-assed. The real problem here is not his beliefs about sex. The problem is the way he treats his wife and other women in his life. Disagreeing with her about what pleases women is troubling enough, but calling her a liar? No. Just no. The sex is a symptom. Abby should have stressed that.

All of what you said.

It's possible to be a rape survivor and also an asshole.

You can say that again.

yes, this, 100%

Although I also think it would help if LW and her asshole husband recognized that he's a rape survivor, not someone who was "forced into sex."

Jesus Haploid Christ .

Seriously, though, why would anybody lie about this? Even if you win, you lose, because you end up with subpar sex. Why would he think his wife would lie? My dude needs some *serious* therapy, and possibly surgery to remove his head from wherever he's lodged it this time.

He would rather think she's lying than that he could be wrong. Augh. AUGH.

That's...exactly it. As you say: augh.

I don't see what sexual trauma has to do with being a sexist, self-centered jerk.

If he goes to therapy to resolve his issues as a rape victim, whatever they are, great! I just don't think this is part of said issues. There are many other people who are sexist and have their heads up their... without having ever been raped, after all.

I will say that if LW is accurately reporting this, he himself traces his feelings of inadequacy to the trauma. Which is multiple levels of fucked-up-edness, honestly, and if he's really trying to deal with any of that by Not Being Inadequate In Bed then that's... that's sad and troubling and all the bad things.

Everything else, though, is probably just him being a jerkface.

But who knows, maybe in the course of therapy to help him with the trauma from all that, he can also learn to stop being like this. It can happen.

What she isn’t saying is what he’s doing to her when they have sex. Letting him abuse her while she tries to get him to go to therapy is not the answer. She needs a therapist for help in setting boundaries and letting go of trying to heal what wants to be broken and stab her on the jagged edges for his own sadistic satisfaction. She needs to get out of there.

I didn't want to delve into this in my comment because it's complicated.

On the one hand we don't have any concrete proof he's abusive. And it's not forced sex - consensual and underwhelming, yes, but LW didn't mention she's being coerced into it.

On the other hand… he's sexist and self centered, which increases the likelihood of him being abusive (that he thinks he's never at fault and it's all because her exes were fat crazy stupid etc. certainly doesn't paint him in a good light.) Then there's also the question of the impact willing but underwhelming sex, and more importantly his *absolute refusal* to listen to her will have on LW on the long run. Will she feel like he only sees her as a flesh-and-bone blowdoll? Or like she has to shut up and not complain to avoid prodding his trauma, and any overreaction on his part (like lash outs or insults) is her fault for standing up for herself? Is LW looking for assurance by sending this letter in response to him trying to gaslight her? Etc.

Like I said: complicated and not enough evidence.

Edited (spag) 2022-06-25 18:37 (UTC)

Agreed.

why... why did she marry him...