agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: I have two daughters and a son. All are adults. I am divorced from their father and am still single after 17 years since the divorce.

My girls both remain in my life – the youngest especially. “Chloe” is always there for me.

“Nancy,” the eldest, is like a cat toward me – she only makes time and effort for me if it’s on her terms and she is in the right mood, which is not very often.

My son, “Bradley” however, completely avoids me. He never answers his phone if I call. He doesn’t respond to contact from myself, his father, or his older sister, but he sometimes relates with Chloe.

Now that I’m over 60 and have battled cancer, I’m feeling my mortality and starting to think about things like getting a will done.

I’m a person of simple means so there won’t be much money left, but there will be a few thousand dollars in a 401K account and some life insurance money.

My dilemma is: Should I leave Bradley completely out of the will?

It seems the sad, sobering thing to do, but it would be based on how he has treated me.

Since Nancy is lukewarm toward me, should I leave her one-third, and then two-thirds goes to Chloe, who has been the most loving and giving child?

I suspect that if I do an even three-way split, the girls, especially Chloe, will feel resentful that their “deadbeat brother” got anything at all.

What do you think?

– Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: The daughter closest to you, “Chloe,” has already reaped the consequences and rewards of her behavior: she has a nice, positive, and active relationship with her mother. Your son “Bradley” has through his own choices been denied that.

Estate planning can be a complicated business, because it inspires some people to essentially reward or punish after death, when neither you nor they can do anything further.

Worrying about what others may think after you’ve died should be a non-starter.

There is no “right” answer to this question, but in my opinion, you should leave an equal amount to all three children who came into the world loved equally by you.

In addition to any funds, you can leave special material items to your favored daughter – or give them to her while you’re still around to enjoy the relationship.

You could also notify her ahead of time of your intentions and your reasoning.

Talk things through, but no matter what – you should make the choice that feels best, kindest, and most ethical to you.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2684641?fs

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Rather than assuming what Chloe will feel, LW should just ask her, but I guess that'd ruin the chance of last-minute revenge drama from beyond the grave.

I'm not saying that she should divide the money up evenly, btw, just that - listen, there's obviously some reason that two out of three children have less-than-cordial relations with LW. I have no idea what that reason is, but when it's more than half your kids, my starting assumption is that the problem is you.

Of course, this may all be moot. For all LW knows, they'll live to see 2050, and then whatever's in the account will be just enough to cover the burial.

I know of at least one situation like this in which the heirs redistributed the lopsided inheritance equally among themselves!

I know of one too, and this was an estate of seven figures, not just a few thousand in a 401K.

And good for them.

Consult a lawyer first, LW, before you make your will. Otherwise poor Chloe may be in for a world of hurt if Nancy and/or Bradley decide to contest the will after your death.

Yeahhhhh there's definitely a sense of "what kind of drama do you expect after you die and how do you feel about that" that I think OP needs to unpack.

Maybe instead of jumping to estate planning, LW should focus on her relationship with Bradley while she’s still alive. LW doesn’t say anything about conflict or estrangement, so I am assuming Bradley didn’t decide to go no-contact so much as he is just focusing on his own life and not putting time or energy into maintaining family ties. Since he occasionally talks to Chloe, could she carry a short message? Just “Mom really misses you. Would you call her?” Then it’s his choice, but I think it’s with a try.

Establishing a connection, even an infrequent one, would probably make LW a lot happier than cutting Bradley out of her will.

Commenters on WaPo had better, clearer suggestions. After reading through, I agreed with a combo of: Leave them an equal amount in the will, in order to prevent resentments between them after you’re gone (but explain to Chloe in advance). But pay Chloe while you’re alive for the assistive care she provides. It’s a lot to take on and expensive on the open market. Reward her time and care.

Definitely reward Chloe now, yeah.