Social Q's: I'm Not Your Caterer!

[ermingarden]

Third letter here.

My social circle consists of nine women in our early 30s. Most of us have been close since high school. A few of the women follow vegetarian diets. The problem: We get together frequently, and when we do, it is quietly assumed that all (or most) of the food options will be vegetarian. Worse, the vegetarians rarely bring their own food to these dinners or express gratitude to the hosts for all the vegetarian options provided. I am a carnivore, and I am beginning to resent this! Is it really up to us to accommodate the vegetarians?

MEAT LOVER

I think it’s weird that you see a “quiet” conspiracy in the sensitivity of hosts. The menus at your friends’ dinner parties are none of your business. And unless the dinners are potlucks, it would be strange for guests to bring their own food (as you seem to want the vegetarians alone to do) without calling in advance to ask.

When it’s your turn to host, exercise your prerogative: Prepare the carnivore’s dish of your choice, ideally with salad and vegetables to sustain the vegetarians for one meal. I know divisiveness is in fashion these days, but let’s draw the line at dinner parties, shall we?

Comments

[cimorene]

This letter is hilariously aggrieved if it didn't remind me so much of the revanchist attitude so in vogue with every other threatened social majority group. Okay, no, it's still funny, because non-vegetarians aren't even conceivably threatened in similar ways.

[ermingarden]

*takes note* I've learned a new word today! *\o/*

If LW is truly a carnivore, I have sympathy – but somehow I suspect they're an omnivore like most of the rest of us ;D

[cimorene]

Exactly. I mean, granted, it would be rude to have a dog-and-cat birthday party and then only serve, idk, popcorn or peanut butter (although cats would likely try the pb and simply get no nutritional value from it), but this person has also included "or most" in their description of the menu, which makes me think there actually is likely usually some meat served, just not much. (Not to mention that if you go to a party you could always find the food not to your taste and have to snack at home.)

[movingfinger]

My cat will lick pieces of popcorn until they stick to the rug, his fur, the sofa, etc....

[cimorene]

Cats will lick all kinds of things to play with, many more dangerous than popcorn, so I guess that's fairly lucky! Also basically anything that smells of butter or cheese. They won't get much nutritional value from it, though, not that popcorn has all that much to begin with, because obligate carnivores can't get all they need from plant proteins.

[lemonsharks]

Yeah, "I'm on a ketogenic diet to control my epilepsy" is a very different kettle of fish than "I want to bring bacon to the mostly vegetarian potluck"

[ermingarden]

I usually agree with Galanes, but my instinct is that he's off base with this one. (The rarity of that is why I posted it!) Perhaps it's because I grew up in a household where, although we weren't vegetarians, we rarely ate meat (my mother didn't like the hassle of cooking it), but my instinct is that the dinners should remain primarily or exclusively vegetarian, including when LW hosts. That's especially true since at least 1/3 of the group is vegetarian ("a few" out of nine). I've always been taught that a host should accommodate guests' food sensitivities to the extent it's feasible, and not serving meat isn't a complicated change to make. (Mushrooms are your friend!)

[minoanmiss]

Word. I think the response is meant snarkily but someone who would actually complain about the Vegetarian Terror might well take it as an encouragement. Or maybe he's trying to encourage LW to actually serve something besides a magnificent prime rib when it's her turn to host?

[ermingarden]

*facepalm* You're probably right that the response is sarcastic...but yeah, LW doesn't seem likely to catch the subtleties there, because LW is already unreasonable enough to think this is an actual problem.

[lemonsharks]

Yeah, this is something I really like about how people in India frequently handle food-hosting: assume everyone has a profound spiritual dietary requirement to not eat meat and cook the food to be tasty anyway.

(IIRC Jain-friendly food, which also has a few vegetable exclusions, is considered the go-to food for a mixed group of unknown composition. And it is delicious.)

It's not that hard to have the meat component as a side when you're hosting. Nor is it difficult to put the meat component in a covered dish if it has a strong smell.

[lemonsharks]

I want to know if the vegetarians are not expressing gratitude for the meal at all or if they are not suffiently genuflecting for their dietary requirements being respected by the host.

Because it suspect it's the second, not the third.

[azurelunatic]

Given the rest of the tone from LW here, I expect the vegetarians are saying things like "Oh, this is so tasty! Thank you!" instead of "Thank you for making sure that there is at least one dish I can eat at this function, because my vegetarianism is so difficult to accommodate!"

[lemonsharks]

That is the impression I got as well

[petrea_mitchell]

At "I am a carnivore", I want to ask, are you an obligate carnivore? Because that would put a very different spin on things!

[ambyr]

When I invite people over for dinner, it’s . . . generally because I want to feed them. LW, if you don’t want to feed people, why not plan some get-together that aren’t centered around a meal?

[ysobel]

wait, so Meat Lady is affronted that the vegetarians don't bring special vegetarian foods, but yet doesn't, like, bring cold grilled chicken to add to her serving of a salad or whatever?

going meatless for a meal won't kill you, generally speaking.

[ethelmay]

It's always seemed odd to me when people feel hard done by that they have to do without meat for ONE meal. Most of my life I haven't been vegetarian, but I have cooked and eaten many vegetarian dinners without thinking much about the matter one way or another (unless I was feeding someone vegetarian or vegan and had to be conscious about it). I've probably hardly gone more than two weeks in my life without eating a meatless dinner (admittedly in my youth it was probably mostly mac and cheese).

[ioplokon]

yeah, most people don't want to cook 2 mains, so they'll just make a veggie. i get that this can be annoying if you like to eat meat at meals. otoh, as a multi-decade vegetarian, you really don't want me trying to cook your meat (though you're welcome to bring a side ^^)

[lilysea]

Dear LW - you could bring a cheese plate for protein? That's unlikely to offend the vegetarians - in fact, many of them will eat cheese. Bonus points if you check that these cheese is labelled non-animal rennet / vegetarian friendly.

(I've been vegetarian for over 30 years)

[purlewe]

I feel like this person is just super offended. bc it is NOT that big a deal to cook and eat vegan or vegetarian things. Like are you all meeting daily?? goodness sakes a single meal will not make you miserable. UNLESS the folks making the meals are bad at making vegan/vegetarian options.

Now is it bc the vegetarians talk badly when there is meat available (say a single dish that is not veg-friendly?) and it makes everyone feel bad about meat? that is also a different kettle of fish (or kale).

I feel like there are missing reasons here. My group of friends know that only one of us is vegan and a couple people have allergies. We tend to make our dinners vegan and/or have a way that there is a vegan and vegetarian option and leave the meat out. Once in awhile we put a meat dish on the side so we can all have what we want. 95% of the time we have entirely vegan meals together and no one is offended by this. Heck we have full on smorgasbords of yummy food bc we want everyone to enjoy being together. LW stop doing food related things with your friends and do something else for awhile.

[conuly]

Perhaps LW should start bringing her own food to the parties if she really can't stand dinner without meat.

[lassarina]

I mean, *I* can't stand (as in, would have an anxiety meltdown) being unable to provide guests with food appropriate to their dietary needs and preferences, so my sympathy for LW is in the negative numbers.