agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: I'm asking you to weigh in.

My husband thinks that it's fair game to read my computer or phone screen over my shoulder, even when I'm clearly writing or viewing something private.

I've asked him many times over the years not to do this, but he refuses to stop reading my screens. He definitely doesn’t like it when I do it to him.

He is saying it’s OK because my activity is essentially out in the open.

Is it rude to read someone's screens over their shoulder? Should I leave the room if I want privacy on my own devices?

– Invaded

Dear Invaded: Overall, I think it’s rude to continue to do something – almost anything — your spouse has asked you repeatedly not to do, especially if this behavior is not a two-way street.

Your husband may be aggressively trying to send you a message that he doesn’t want you to use screens when you are around him.

If you take a close and objective look at your own screen usage and see that there is a genuine imbalance in the amount of time you and he spend on your screens, then this gives you an opportunity to perhaps change your own behavior to demonstrate that you have received his rudely delivered message.

Otherwise, yes – whenever he does this, you should take your work into another room.

I have seen so-called privacy filters for laptops, although I’ve never tried one (no one in my household has much interest in what I’m up to). These screens allegedly completely block a screen from view unless the user is directly in front of the screen. This would also be very useful when working in a coffee shop or on public transportation – or in your kitchen.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2673688?fs

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She starts off strong with that first sentence, and then just veers headlong into BAD ADVICE. Why? Just, why, Amy? WHY.

Somebody who snoops on your phone activity but then gets upset when you return the favor is clearly up to no good. I don't know the exact shape of it here, but this is very not okay.

First of all: definitely rude to read over someone's shoulder, no matter what. And the advice about the privacy filters is definitely worth trying, though I don't know whether they work either (I'd be curious to know, though, if anyone has tried it). Mostly for when I'm working on the train or something, since I handle some sensitive data.

The speculation about what the husband might be feeling is weirdly assuming that there must be a good reason the husband is behaving that way. If so, the husband should be a big boy and say so instead of claiming "doing it out in the open is a yes to snooping".

Privacy filters do work, although after installing one I'd recommend walking around the laptop to check the angles in which one can see. (The person seated in front always can, but there are distances/angles of view and seated/upright position that can allow other people to see through too...)

I mean, my family all have screens out in the living room being sociably silent with one another, and we all respect "only look at the things I deliberately show you" rule. (I will say "let me just glance at your Discord screen for safety" to the teens at random intervals.)

It's not okay to read over someone's shoulder unless

a) you have asked first *right that minute*, and they've said it's fine or

b) *maybe* if they're in some kind of severe crisis - severely suicidal or a psychotic episode

or have been asked ta do so... bu yes, it's private

I'm one of those people who's going to be the first to go insane in a Call of Cthulhu game (you put text in front of me, I read it), and barring the initial 'hey, there's words here! Oo!' even I manage to not read over my husband's shoulder when I walk past him on his computer.

The privacy screens work if you don't have polarized glasses.

Well, it's possible that he's not up to anything in particular but is just a complete jerk. I mean it's probably more likely that he's guilty or has something to hide, and he's a jerk either way because he wouldn't repeatedly read over her shoulder against her wishes otherwise. But there are also plenty of jerks who simply don't apply the same rules to themselves as to other people.

Wrt other comments about the issue though, it's possible to not care if someone reads your screens. My wife and I have access to each other's computers and phones for convenience, and we set our desktop monitors up side by side on a single desk, so that if anything the bigger problem is wanting to NOT see what the other person is doing because it's distracting. Blanket permission IS a thing, obviously not relevant to this LW, but out there in the wild.

Edited 2022-06-08 12:50 (UTC)

Right, yes, my partner and I read over each other’s shoulders all the time (mostly we’re just reading news articles), but if either of us asks the other one to stop, we back off, because we’re reasonable people.

(a) Two wrongs don't make a right. Even if LW is on their phone/computer/etc. every waking hour, husband could rightfully complain, but it doesn't justify snooping.

(b) An isolated incident wouldn't be a big deal, but a pattern like this becomes a more serious invasion of LW's privacy. It makes me wonder if the husband suspects LW of trying to hide something.

(c) There's no indication in the letter that LW uses their phone/computer/etc. any more than husband does! Why did Amy jump to this?

I can see different family cultures handling this differently. Like, if your family attitude was, "If we're looking at something out in the public rooms of the house, we're inviting others to participate, and if we want privacy, we go someplace private," I wouldn't consider than unreasonable, if everyone agreed to it.

But if someone says outright "I don't like it when you look over my shoulder," there is no good argument for not just cutting that shit out.

Don't read someone else's stuff! Don't do it! If they've told you no that is a boundary, don't cross it. (I see from above comments I'm not the only one whose brain went straight to "he's trying to catch her cheating/engaging control mechanisms so she'll know not to try.")

No. If he doesn't want her reading over his shoulder, then he doesn't get to read over her shoulder either; if he gets to read over her shoulder, then he doesn't get to complain when she reads over his.

In my household our computers are all in the open, so it's easy to read over someone's shoulder. Spouse doesn't care if I glance at what he's browsing, but hates having someone look over his shoulder when he's writing an email. So I don't. I'm still training the family not to interrupt me when I'm typing, but since there's no visual way to tell between "Castiron is intently reading" and "Castiron is mindlessly surfing", I close the door if I'm desperate for privacy, and otherwise I accept that I may be interrupted and switch tabs or minimize the browser if needed. And if I say "hey, I need some privacy to work on this", Spouse respects that.

I'll admit to taking a peek on my partner's screen on occasion, but if he ever told me to stop, I would. I'm snoopy by nature, but I try not to be an asshole.