agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

Dear Prudence,

My family and I have just decided to relocate from a large West Coast city to a less expensive but lovely college town a couple hundred miles inland. My mother-in-law lives with us, and for reasons I can’t explain, our relationship has always been fraught. For some reason, she insists on taking things I say wrongly and seeing my compliments (for doing something nice for her grandchildren, or going on a birding adventure, for instance) as “solicitous”—her word. We’ve lived together for three years, and she doesn’t want to do it anymore. So since we are selling our house in a high-cost city and moving to a low-cost one, I bought her a house four blocks away from where we’ll live. It’s a lovely, newly renovated old home. She declined—she plans to rent a duplex further away (she has virtually no financial security either, so paying rent will be more onerous for her). I thought it would be a way of showing my care and love and hope. But her refusal is a slap in the face to me and my child, and I don’t know how I can even go on trying with her. I want to cut off all contact. My otherwise lovely spouse just thinks that my kindness is wrongheaded and defends her mom’s position. It changes how I feel both about the move and, frankly, being in this family at all. Can you talk me off the ledge?

—Generous to a Fault

Dear Generous to a Fault,

Going out of your way to be kind and then having that kindness rejected really stings. And in a relationship like the one you have with your MIL, that sting can exacerbate years of small slights and bigger problems. This sounds like the last straw for you. However, it’s important to remember that our gifts aren’t always received in the spirit in which they’re given. And that’s frustrating, but it’s no one’s fault sometimes. You and your MIL have different styles of communication, and it seems like that’s always setting you both on the wrong foot. This house thing is, in some ways, the same as the compliments—you mean it one way, she’s hearing something else. Both of you are right in that what you feel is what you feel, even though feelings aren’t facts. Maybe by declining your offer, she’s trying to avoid feeling beholden to you. Maybe she’s not seeing your care and love and hope and instead feeling trapped or frustrated. This probably isn’t really about you, but about past relationships she’s had or the way she’s experienced the world.

That said, I have to wonder how much you consulted with your mother-in-law about this purchase. I worry that the communication issues you all have been having might have obscured her true feelings. Either way, it’s important to remember that she’s got her reasons for behaving the way she does, too. And your spouse has her reasons for defending her mom. See if you can accept that this is largely about communication and that your MIL is doing what she needs to do to be happy and to have a better relationship with you (because the resentment and the pressure of being so close together in the home you chose don’t sound like a great recipe for success). You’re not moving for your MIL. You and your spouse have your own reasons for moving, and I presume they still apply. Focus on that and on your family unit. After you’re settled, see if you can find new ways of communicating with your MIL, once she’s on her own turf.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/dear-prudence-dog-kid-wedding.html

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1. Either LW or MIL does not know what the word "solicitous" means, because, although it's a weird thing to say to somebody, it's not a bad thing.

2. Did LW *ask* if MIL wanted a house? Was she involved in the purchasing at all? Because I'm getting the distinct impression that this was kinda sprung on her. You can't just buy somebody a surprise house as a gift, totally unsolicited. That's not okay. If LW is worried about MIL's financial security, it would have been better to take that house-buying money and give it to her as a gift towards her future rent.

3. Hoo-boy, it's not okay to divorce your spouse because they won't cut off their mom solely because she offended you by not wanting your random house. It's not a slap in the face to LW, and certainly not to the grandkid! It's a perfectly reasonable decision! Maybe there's more going on here that I'm not seeing, but if this is the one example LW can think of as to why they've got to be estranged from the inlaws, I'm skeptical.

3a. It is, however, okay to divorce your spouse because they hold this unreasonable view. Also, "slap in the face" is right up there with "walking on eggshells" for phrases that make me wonder "So who really is the problem in this relationship?"

Don't buy people houses who haven't asked for them!

Edited 2022-05-31 00:13 (UTC)

Maybe your relationship is fraught because you make major decisions without consulting others, LW. You bought a whole ass house and presented it like a cat who caught a big leaf. Try talking to people and asking what they want in the future.

I'm now wondering if he even asked his spouse before getting this house.

Wow that letter takes a turn.

(I mean what with the surprise house, LW is never a gem. But starting from "slap in the face" it's just a journey.)

(Actually, come to think of it -- "a slap in the face to me and my child" -- is grandma a caregiver? Is LW angry because they enjoy free childcare, and grandma's moving out, and choosing to live further away, because she doesn't want to do it anymore?)

Given the whole letter is steeped in high-handedness, I'm wondering if LW heard "solicitous" when he was told "patronizing".

So, the compliment thing could just be a difference in family culture. There's a couple in my family who had to work this out during the first year of their marriage; one of them was taught that you should thank a family member to show your appreciation for tasks they do; the other was taught that you shouldn't thank someone or expect thanks for doing tasks you were supposed to be doing anyway. You know what? They talked about it, and they worked it out, and they still seem happy together after 20 years.

The house, though? You do not buy someone a house out of the blue. Maybe MIL hated the layout and location; maybe she didn't want to accept charity when she didn't feel she needed it; maybe she looked at the condition and the taxes and the utilities and went "nope, I'm going to rent, because I'll save money in the long run in this other place". Maybe she wanted to be independent of the strings LW would attach. Maybe four blocks away from LW is way too close.

And the fact that LW is jumping to "my spouse defends her mother, so I'm thinking of leaving this family that includes kids" says to me that LW really needs to pull their head out of their ass.

If I were doing childcare for a grandchild and I knew that my shelter depended on the whim of someone who had never seemed to like me, I would not be happy at that person buying a house without necessarily consulting me at all (triple negative points if I should happen to have a disability that LW might be discounting and the house does not meet my access needs). Especially if there were any kind of strings attached (visible or invisible) such that the house might not remain mine if LW should have a sustained bad mood.

Wow that letter takes a turn.

(I mean what with the surprise house, LW is never a gem. But starting from "slap in the face" it's just a journey.)

Yeah. "Me and my MIL don't get along"--okay, could mean a lot of things. "I bought a house for my MIL without consulting her first"--oh no. "Her refusal is a slap in the face"--oh nooooooo. "The fact that my wife is not willing to cut off contact with her for this is making me consider divorce"--OMGWTFBBQ?!?!?

That last bit in particular inclines me to view everything else the LW says in the absolute worst way possible, because who does that??? Assholes, that's who.

I'm as aghast as everyone else about the Surprise House.

(It's actually relevant to my circumstances -- I rent from my mother in a house she selected, there are ABSOLUTELY major emotional/abusive strings attached, there have been a ton of maintenance issues, it's not 100% disability-accessible, it's too big and costs a ton of money to heat/air-condition, and we'd be happier in a condo with access to a pool . . . but my daughter and I are both disabled with complex, expensive medical issues, so we need a stable place to live where the rent won't go up every year. But it SUCKS to be told I'm "ungrateful" for struggling to maintain a big, neglected, expensive house, when it's not one I would have chosen in the first place.)

I'd like to think charitably of the LW, who seems like they're TRYING, but I think a family therapist might be able to untangle some of this stuff, especially what sounds like EXTREME high-handedness in terms of big decisions on their part.

Wow, you sound like a gem. I kinda get the impression that you decide things on a whim and then the rest of the family has to play along to your orchestration. Ever tried asking them what they want? Any of them? Without having it be a loaded question with an obvious Right Answer?

Thought not.

The house, though? You do not buy someone a house out of the blue. Maybe MIL hated the layout and location; maybe she didn't want to accept charity when she didn't feel she needed it; maybe she looked at the condition and the taxes and the utilities and went "nope, I'm going to rent, because I'll save money in the long run in this other place". Maybe she wanted to be independent of the strings LW would attach. Maybe four blocks away from LW is way too close.

Plus if MIL is on certain types of sickness/disability benefits, suddenly having a house in her name
would mean that she lost ALL of her income and ALL of her access to healthcare overnight...

Who decided they were moving? Was it a team choice or job motivated or did this guy just decide they were moving?

He also refers to multiple grandchildren at one point and then "me and my kid" which makes me think this is a blended family situation that maybe isn't blending well.

The plot twist is that he carefully booby-trapped the house for a sad yet entirely plausible, no-one to blame, accident to occur some while after she moves in.... could not at all have been predicted....

I read it as "I bought her a house so she wouldn't be living with us" so, yeah, wrong on every count.

Yeah, I don't know if MIL is ALSO unreasonable or difficult to deal with, but LW is definitely out of contact with reality and acting pretty toxic. In the facts we're given, LW is 100% responsible for all the bad outcomes. They SHOULD in fact drop active contact with the MIL, regardless of anything else, and if anyone should be considering divorce it's probably their wife. The mentions of the child are in disturbing context.

So many unanswered questions here.

We’ve lived together for three years, and she doesn’t want to do it anymore.
How was this expressed? Does she actually not want to move a couple of hundred miles inland? Perhaps she has friends and activities (or regular healthcare providers) in your current location.

I thought it would be a way of showing my care and love and hope.
What was your "hope" for this lovely house only four blocks away that you bought for your MIL apparently without consulting her?

she has virtually no financial security either, so paying rent will be more onerous for her
What was the deal when she moved in with you? Was she paying you rent/board/contribution to heating? Did she bring any equity/savings into the buying of your current house? What was the long-term plan around living together (childcare for you, elder care for her if/when needed)?

Edited 2022-05-31 11:35 (UTC)

one of them was taught that you should thank a family member to show your appreciation for tasks they do; the other was taught that you shouldn't thank someone or expect thanks for doing tasks you were supposed to be doing anyway.

Oh, I feel seen! Me and my wife have very different expectations around thanks. We didn't get upset about it, in our case, because I quickly noticed and started thanking my wife, but it still feels awkward and artificial to me sometimes.

LW seems... controlling.

I'm sorry, that's an utterly shit position to be in, and I hope for better for you in the future.

THIS.

Extremely good point. I read it as the LW was buying a house in their own name for MIL to live in, but if they bought it in her name, that's an added potential complication that this LW wouldn't have bothered to think of.

LW is an unreliable narrator in their own letter. And I'm willing to bet that generosity is not even in their top 10 faults.

People who think so highly of themselves are usually in the wrong.

I admit, this sounds mercenary as hell, but my mother is legitimately awful — we’re holding out until I can someday inherit the place, sell it, and move somewhere that actually meets our needs.

It’s a shame that she won’t consider selling while the market is high and trying to find a smaller, manageable, accessible place that isn’t a money pit, but she’s very invested in holding all the strings :/

after 20+ years, it still feels bizarre to thank my spouse for certain kinds of things. I do it, but I can't seem to get used to it. And he still finds it odd that my siblings and I don't thank each other for those same kinds of things (we do for other things but not for, like, emptying the dishwasher or running a load of laundry or w/e)

Yeah, exactly! I find it really awkward to be thanked for that kind of thing, as well. Like "...of course I did? That's just my contribution? No need to thank me for it!"

Yeah you can't just buy someone a house. That's beyond absurd.

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