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Dear Prudence,
My family and I have just decided to relocate from a large West Coast city to a less expensive but lovely college town a couple hundred miles inland. My mother-in-law lives with us, and for reasons I can’t explain, our relationship has always been fraught. For some reason, she insists on taking things I say wrongly and seeing my compliments (for doing something nice for her grandchildren, or going on a birding adventure, for instance) as “solicitous”—her word. We’ve lived together for three years, and she doesn’t want to do it anymore. So since we are selling our house in a high-cost city and moving to a low-cost one, I bought her a house four blocks away from where we’ll live. It’s a lovely, newly renovated old home. She declined—she plans to rent a duplex further away (she has virtually no financial security either, so paying rent will be more onerous for her). I thought it would be a way of showing my care and love and hope. But her refusal is a slap in the face to me and my child, and I don’t know how I can even go on trying with her. I want to cut off all contact. My otherwise lovely spouse just thinks that my kindness is wrongheaded and defends her mom’s position. It changes how I feel both about the move and, frankly, being in this family at all. Can you talk me off the ledge?
—Generous to a Fault
Dear Generous to a Fault,
Going out of your way to be kind and then having that kindness rejected really stings. And in a relationship like the one you have with your MIL, that sting can exacerbate years of small slights and bigger problems. This sounds like the last straw for you. However, it’s important to remember that our gifts aren’t always received in the spirit in which they’re given. And that’s frustrating, but it’s no one’s fault sometimes. You and your MIL have different styles of communication, and it seems like that’s always setting you both on the wrong foot. This house thing is, in some ways, the same as the compliments—you mean it one way, she’s hearing something else. Both of you are right in that what you feel is what you feel, even though feelings aren’t facts. Maybe by declining your offer, she’s trying to avoid feeling beholden to you. Maybe she’s not seeing your care and love and hope and instead feeling trapped or frustrated. This probably isn’t really about you, but about past relationships she’s had or the way she’s experienced the world.
That said, I have to wonder how much you consulted with your mother-in-law about this purchase. I worry that the communication issues you all have been having might have obscured her true feelings. Either way, it’s important to remember that she’s got her reasons for behaving the way she does, too. And your spouse has her reasons for defending her mom. See if you can accept that this is largely about communication and that your MIL is doing what she needs to do to be happy and to have a better relationship with you (because the resentment and the pressure of being so close together in the home you chose don’t sound like a great recipe for success). You’re not moving for your MIL. You and your spouse have your own reasons for moving, and I presume they still apply. Focus on that and on your family unit. After you’re settled, see if you can find new ways of communicating with your MIL, once she’s on her own turf.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/dear-prudence-dog-kid-wedding.html
My family and I have just decided to relocate from a large West Coast city to a less expensive but lovely college town a couple hundred miles inland. My mother-in-law lives with us, and for reasons I can’t explain, our relationship has always been fraught. For some reason, she insists on taking things I say wrongly and seeing my compliments (for doing something nice for her grandchildren, or going on a birding adventure, for instance) as “solicitous”—her word. We’ve lived together for three years, and she doesn’t want to do it anymore. So since we are selling our house in a high-cost city and moving to a low-cost one, I bought her a house four blocks away from where we’ll live. It’s a lovely, newly renovated old home. She declined—she plans to rent a duplex further away (she has virtually no financial security either, so paying rent will be more onerous for her). I thought it would be a way of showing my care and love and hope. But her refusal is a slap in the face to me and my child, and I don’t know how I can even go on trying with her. I want to cut off all contact. My otherwise lovely spouse just thinks that my kindness is wrongheaded and defends her mom’s position. It changes how I feel both about the move and, frankly, being in this family at all. Can you talk me off the ledge?
—Generous to a Fault
Dear Generous to a Fault,
Going out of your way to be kind and then having that kindness rejected really stings. And in a relationship like the one you have with your MIL, that sting can exacerbate years of small slights and bigger problems. This sounds like the last straw for you. However, it’s important to remember that our gifts aren’t always received in the spirit in which they’re given. And that’s frustrating, but it’s no one’s fault sometimes. You and your MIL have different styles of communication, and it seems like that’s always setting you both on the wrong foot. This house thing is, in some ways, the same as the compliments—you mean it one way, she’s hearing something else. Both of you are right in that what you feel is what you feel, even though feelings aren’t facts. Maybe by declining your offer, she’s trying to avoid feeling beholden to you. Maybe she’s not seeing your care and love and hope and instead feeling trapped or frustrated. This probably isn’t really about you, but about past relationships she’s had or the way she’s experienced the world.
That said, I have to wonder how much you consulted with your mother-in-law about this purchase. I worry that the communication issues you all have been having might have obscured her true feelings. Either way, it’s important to remember that she’s got her reasons for behaving the way she does, too. And your spouse has her reasons for defending her mom. See if you can accept that this is largely about communication and that your MIL is doing what she needs to do to be happy and to have a better relationship with you (because the resentment and the pressure of being so close together in the home you chose don’t sound like a great recipe for success). You’re not moving for your MIL. You and your spouse have your own reasons for moving, and I presume they still apply. Focus on that and on your family unit. After you’re settled, see if you can find new ways of communicating with your MIL, once she’s on her own turf.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/dear-prudence-dog-kid-wedding.html