agonyaunt | (no subject)

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Dear Amy: I have a 9-year-old special needs child. “Kyle” is high-functioning on the autism spectrum, but doesn’t do well with athletics and other “typical” settings that might help a child fit in, make friends, and otherwise have a functional childhood dynamic.

We worry that he is becoming more socially isolated. We are very engaged and committed to his therapy and well-being. Our small families follow suit (especially both sets of grandparents).

My issue arises from my younger (adult) brothers.

They are both loving uncles, but seemingly detached.

I really resent their lack of effort or involvement that I know my son would benefit from: Whether the occasional day trip to the zoo, park, ballgame, or the treat of an overnight stay.

They haven’t offered in years. They don’t have kids and live nearby.

Growing up, I was the oldest brother who acted as caretaker. I’ve always thought each of them was spoiled and self-centered.

Am I wrong to get so worked up over this? I just cannot get past my disdain.

I know it’s not their job to “parent” their nephew, but a few hours of quality time per month would immeasurably help his psyche.

Your recommendations?

– Upset Dad

Dear Dad: Contact between these uncles and “Kyle” would likely be good for Kyle. It would also be good for your brothers.

Those of us who have special needs family members understand that sometimes the relationship can unlock qualities that will put a person in touch with their own deeper humanity.

If they got to know their nephew, your brothers would see that he has a sense of humor, that he has a unique way of seeing the world and processing information, and, if he connected with them and they formed a close relationship, they would simply be better men.

Do they want to be better men? Maybe not.

They will not spontaneously step up, because they don’t know how. Do they need an engraved invitation from their older brother? Unfortunately, yes, they do.

Rather than sharing your disappointment and disdain, you should ask your brothers for help.

Invite them (one at a time) to go on an outing with you and Kyle.

You are going to have to show them how to be with him, and when you do, one or both of your brothers might develop their own quirky kind of relationship with Kyle, which would grow as these uncles become more confident. You can then ask if they could each take him perhaps one Saturday morning a month for some “uncle time.”

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2674379?fs

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I hate this letter and I don't like the advice either.

1. If your child is not good at athletics, or not interested in athletics, find something he is interested in. Not that this will necessarily help him "fit in" - but honestly, that's overrated.

2. Uncles are not a substitute for friends.

3. You cannot force your brothers to be the sort of uncles to your kid you want them to be. If you want your child to have more adult role models, find out if there's a big brother/big sister type program where you are.

4. If your brothers are so "spoiled" and "self-centered" (rather than just two adults who have their own lives), why do you want them to watch your kid?

5. But maybe LW just needs therapy for having to raise his brothers? Like, seriously, wtf is up with that "caretaker" comment?

6. Is LW actually thinking of his son's needs, or of his own need for respite care? (Nothing wrong with hoping that local relatives will step up for respite care, but be honest that that's what you want.)

I loathe this advice. Amy is just guessing that it would be good for Kyle, and it's completely out of nowhere to suggest it would be good for the brothers, and it's gross to say it would make them better men. Contact with a child does not necessarily make people into better men! Not to mention that has nothing to do with the question being asked, is none of the business of Amy and is not a concern of the LW, either.

Agreed with all of youse.

Those of us who have special needs family members understand that sometimes the relationship can unlock qualities that will put a person in touch with their own deeper humanity.
holy disability fetish, batman

Oh my freaking God yes. And also EW.

Yep.

Oh! Thank you for putting in to words what was so disquieting about that.

Yeah, as a disabled person with autism I read that and was like...that's....that's certainly a statement to make

There is a strong chance LW just wants free babysitting.

The son doesn't enjoy athletics or outdoorsy stuff, so the letter writer wants to force his brothers (who he feels disdain for) to drag this kid out to do athletics and outdoorsy stuff?

LW, I've identified the problem:

Growing up, I was the oldest brother who acted as caretaker. I’ve always thought each of them was spoiled and self-centered. Am I wrong to get so worked up over this? I just cannot get past my disdain.

You think your brothers suck. They return that feeling, and no doubt feel that you will be critical about anything they might choose to do with your son.

Edited 2022-05-28 01:54 (UTC)

Right? Like, maybe they don't want to be around you because they can tell you don't like them and it has nothing to do with your son.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. *takes deep breath* *strives for coherency---* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. I'll try again.

The disability-fetishizing and frankly the child-fetishizing that's part of it in Amy's answer just BROKE me. Look, if children, and especially those with disabilities, just magically unlocked empathy and child-care skills in all adult human beings, we would not have child abuse or neglect. They don't. They really, really, don't.

The most constructive thing I can say to LW is that he needs a) some respite care, now, and b) some therapy, and the things I would most advise him to start with are his feelings about his big-brotherly role and about how his brothers turned out, and also his feelings about his son. As a couple of other commenters have observed, LW seems to think that there are certain experiences, none of which his son seems to enjoy, that are somehow essential for... I don't even know how to phrase it, but honestly I have this nagging suspicion that this is the kind of parent who has enabled therapists who've turned "ABA" into a deservedly dirty word among people on the spectrum. Somebody who is really invested in his kid performing normalcy, rather than his kid having experiences that will help him develop into a human being who lives an authentic life that makes him happy and (because this is reality even though it sucks) will also hopefully enable him to be at least somewhat self-supporting or at least not in a position to be abused/warehoused/etc. for financial reasons.

All. Of. This.

Weird how there's absolutely nothing in this letter about either Kyle or the brothers as people. Nothing they like or are interested in, no positive traits, NOTHING. Just stuff about how much LW has done for them (with a large helping of martyrdom) and negative descriptions of things they don't do or don't like, ways they don't live up to LW's expectations.

LW sounds like a terrible "my child's disability is my cross to bear! look how selfless and devoted I am!" parent who has no interest in his child's actual personality (he doesn't like sports, ok. what DOES he like? what does he want to talk your ear off about?) and is holding a massive grudge against his brothers for possible parentification, which he should go to therapy about and not make their entire adult relationships about how they disappoint him (and how he sacrificed for them! so ungrateful!).

If he actually wanted to foster a closer relationship between Kyle and his uncles, some attention to their actual interests and activities would be necessary. But I think LW would rather set up an imaginary Perfect Scenario with no input from the people involved, then be disappointed at them for failing to live up to it.

"High-functioning" really means "good at masking."

It sounds like this child is high-need or at least that this parent has no idea how to communicate with him.

Not necessarily? There are lot of things I can do that get me labelled as high functioning that have nothing to do with masking such as speaking and reading in the conventional sense. I know what you mean but I think that statement is an oversimplification of things.

Honestly, to me it sounds the opposite. It sounds like Kyle is a typical kid for the most part but perhaps not the athlete son OP was looking for. Agree they don't seem to know how to relate to him at all. And it says a lot of that he wants to pan Kyle off on his brothers who he doesn't seem to have a lot of faith in anyway.

I don't think we get enough information about Kyle to know anything about who he is as a person, except that he doesn't like and/or isn't good at the sort of athletics LW thinks he should enjoy and be good at.

True, but in my community's experience if there were more things Kyle...let's call it 'struggled with' his father would probably have named it. The fact that he doesn't is a huge red flag.

His expectations for uncle behavior don't sound very realistic even assuming a completely average child and an uncomplicated friendly relationship with his siblings.

Not everyone necessarily imagines that periodically whisking away their niblings for bonding time - it seems to be implied, without having been invited or hinted to do so, and without a precedent in their own childhood or a history of hanging out with the niblings and parents that would give them the idea - would be either possible or welcomed. Surely having a friendly bond with them based on time WITH the parents, or else regular babysitting from before the child's old enough to remember, is the standard preliminary step in the case of the family (often grandparents) who do things like this.

I get the vibe that Kyle is fine and it is more the fact that he does not behave like the stereotypical male child that bothers the parent. He wants to go throw a ball around with Kyle and not for example play chess.

This reeks of ABA and if the uncles have noped out maybe it is because they know it is BS. OP needs to grow up and focus on the child he has and not the one he wants. And HE is the one who needs therapy for all of his trauma from being forced to parent his siblings.

What even *is* a functional childhood dynamic?

And who says team sports have to be a part of it? None of my kids have done team sports, other than what might be done in PE classes in school.

And does it bother Kyle to be "socially isolated"? (From who? Didn't LW imply that there's family members who interact with him, even if not his uncles?) Maybe Kyle's perfectly happy chilling with a book or a game, and eventually he'll meet other people who share one of his interests and socialize with them to the degree that he wants to.

1. LW, you really need to stop expecting your son to perform "boyhood" to your exact specifications. (see also: unclehood.)

2. If you want your brothers to spend more time with your family then.... invite them to do things with you? Especially if the kid does have more special needs and/or the parents come off as controlling (*ahem*) they may be hesitant to step in on their own even if they want to! That part of the advice is good. The rest is terrible.

3. LW, if they are spoiled and self-centered, I'm pretty sure they learned it from you.

4. If you don't know of any way to have social connections other than organized sports, you need to work on that too.

Edited 2022-05-31 15:48 (UTC)

Follow-up, in which Amy misses several points:

Dear Amy: Your answer to “Upset Dad” was astoundingly, bewilderingly wrong.

“Dad” mentions that his brothers are childless, as though this justifies his expectation that they should step in to provide regular free child care.

Other people’s worlds do not revolve around one’s children!

— Disappointed in YOU

Disappointed: “Upset Dad’s” son has special needs. According to his question, his brothers seemed unsure of how to be good uncles to their nephew.

He was appealing to his brothers not for child care, but for connection.

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