agonyaunt | (no subject)

Hi, Carolyn: Out of nowhere, my sibling informed our family that he has been very unhappy in his marriage of almost 20 years and wants a divorce. Our family is reeling, and we’re all at a loss in how to handle it. His wife is a lovely person and they have children, which is making this even harder.

We love him, but are also angry at him for choosing this because, from our perspective, his reasons don’t seem acute enough to end a marriage. Additionally, I find myself handling my parents’ feelings, as they are extremely hurt and angry about it. This is a burden on me. I am also angry and upset but have closed off that area because it’s almost too much to emotionally manage.

I’m staying supportive of both parties and hoping they are willing to attend counseling. But I’m also fearing the worst and know I will have to help pick up the pieces of whatever happens.

Do you have any advice on how parents and siblings of those going through separation and/or divorce should act?

— Sibling

Sibling: Act as if it wasn’t “out of nowhere” for him.

Act as if it is not your marriage, or divorce, to judge.

Act as if your most compassionate role is to play no role at all.

When you say his reasons “don’t seem acute enough,” you’re declaring yourself qualified to judge this. But you aren’t. No one is if they don’t wake up in this marriage personally every day.

You do not know how it feels to be your brother.

The lovely person he married and the mother of his children could just be wrong for him. That’s it. A bad fit. And maybe he has worked for two decades to make a bad fit into something better — for all the same reasons you want him to keep trying, even — and maybe now he’s tired enough that working at it is no longer a healthy option.

Are you really all going to gather round to say, “Sorry, bro, your unhappiness doesn’t meet our family threshold for doing something about it"?

Of course there are good and bad reasons to leave marriages. Self-preservative, and selfless, and hurtful, and thoughtful, and disloyal/rash/long overdue ones. Maybe his reason is one of the worst. But there are bad reasons to stay, too. Who wants a spouse who doesn’t want to be there?

The only bystander who can make these distinctions with any accuracy with any given couple is one humble enough to know how much is unknown.

I realize your brother’s decision set in motion certain things that involve you — like upset parents dumping their stress on you. It is indeed your place to manage these.

But you can do so in most cases by deciding upfront what you will and won’t discuss, with whom. “Mom, Dad, I understand you are upset, but I can’t be the one you lean on right now.” “I love you/them both and don’t feel comfortable talking about this.” “Only the people in a marriage know what goes on inside it.”

Act as if being sad about something — genuinely, legitimately, understandably sad — and actually being able to fix it are two different things. I’m sorry you’re all going through this.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/05/25/carolyn-hax-brother-divorce-family-angry/

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Seriously, who asked these people to take sides? Why is he expected to care about how hurt and angry they are when it's his marriage and divorce?

Classic poor family boundaries though. Everything becomes a subject for debate, and usually gossip disseminating to ever-more-distant relatives. But the parents' and sibling's behavior is somewhat worse than this gossipy and judgment-passing norm by virtue of the entitlement they're demonstrating. The brother, by evidently not sharing details etc, is acting well, but this sibling is just making their parents' behavior worse by listening indulgently (to say nothing of their own sense of entitlement).

(a) It's not the LW's business.

(b) I suspect that the way the LW and their parents (and maybe other relatives) act as though they get a vote in the brother's relationship choices is part of why he kept things to himself until he was sure he was leaving. This does not sound like a family where the brother could have told the LW something like "spouse and I are having some difficulties right now, can you distract me for a few hours?" let alone asked for advice.

I am wondering if the 'hurt and angry' parents are of the "but what will it look like to people" kind of 'hurt and angry'. No reason I can explain for why I picked up on this.

Yeah, I got strong

"but there's NO DIVORCE IN OUR FAMILY" vibes from this letter too...

Same, along with a side of "After so long, you should stay together regardless!"

I was genuinely confused when my brother got divorced. By a year or so out, I came to realize there was a LOT he hasn't told me at first, because he trying to be gentlemanly and keep things as neutral as possible with his former partner.

Suffice it to say that her multiple felony convictions in the years since their breakup have made it painfully obvious to everyone, including me, why he didn't want to be married to her any longer.

And herein I trot out that lovely old line from, I think, Dear Sugar, by way of Captain Awkward: Wanting to leave is reason enough to leave.

Also, LW, if what's upsetting your family is that the wife is a sweet and lovely person and you would like to stay in her life and vice versa, probably the best thing you can do in the divorce is to make it as easy and painless on Brother as possible, so that he will have less reason to sever ties with her more absolutely. (And, yeah, the comments that folks above made about this possibly being about "There's no divorce in our family!" or at least that the reasons for divorce have to be something like assault or adultery, not, just, you know, creeping, slowly soul-crushing misery with someone who may be perfectly nice in the general sort of way but is just not someone you personally can even live with as a roommate, much less a spouse.)

She's 'lovely' where/when they see her.
Do we not encounter numerous accounts of domestic abusers who were considered entire delightful charmers by their wider social circle?

Word. My parents are lovely, friendly, awesome, and great with kids. And beat the hell out of me.

Nobody knows what it'll be like to be married to someone until they've actually married them. Nobody knows whether or how long they can put up with something until they're living with it.

LW has no idea whether the brother's "I'm not happy in this marriage" means "My wife has treated me like crap for years, and I can no longer face living this way for the rest of my life" or "I've discovered she's been abusing our children, and I'm trying to get us all out without further harming my kids; I don't want my parents or sibling gossiping about what my kids have gone through" or "there's nothing blatantly bad; it's just not good" or "while we were compatible 20 years ago, we've changed in different ways and aren't compatible now" or "I'm claiming my marriage is unhappy as an excuse for why I'm justified in leaving my wife for the hot 25-year-old I fell for". It doesn't matter. It's brother's and sister-in-law's business and their decision, not LW's.

That said... If my brother told me that he was divorcing my SIL, my first reaction would be "Wow, WTF has been going on in your marriage????" (But I'm also in a family where there was zero surprise and zero condemnation when I told people I was divorcing Ex, so I assume that my brother wouldn't be able to hide it from my parents if he were having marriage problems.)