agonyaunt | (no subject)

Q. Wishing he were always sober: I am writing because I don’t know what to do about my husband’s drinking. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t believe he is an alcoholic—he can stop at just one, doesn’t have to drink every day, and has never gotten in legal trouble with alcohol. But I am still very concerned about him.

I do want to say we have a happy marriage except for this one area. We’ve been married almost 36 years, have two adult kids, and he is a wonderful guy when not drinking. Everyone loves my husband, and he is very respected in his career. He is an A-type personality.

But he chooses to drink every day. If it is wine, there’s no problem unless he has several glasses. But if it is hard alcohol, like bourbon—his favorite—it really changes his demeanor and he becomes unpleasant to be around. He gets obnoxious, accusatory, overly sensitive, slurs his words, and hurts people’s feelings. Several people close to him have talked to him about this—me, his mother, his brother, both our kids, and several close friends. He just blows off everyone’s opinion, saying he’s not doing anything wrong. When I tell him that it really bothers me, that I don’t want to be around him when he drinks and I wish he would either stop or cut way back, he says I’m trying to control him. I am very easygoing and am not a controlling person. He pretty much does what he wants (and most of the things he wants to do are great!).

This is really affecting our relationship. My feelings are hurt and he doesn’t seem to care. I know I can’t make him do or not do anything, so I guess what I’m asking you is what can I do on my end to deal with this better. Is there an approach I can take with him that would not make him feel like I’m trying to control him? Currently, I just get quiet when he drinks and then talk to him about it later once he’s sober. But I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall. We’ve had many, many conversations and nothing changes.

A: It’s concerning that your husband isn’t taking your feelings into consideration here. Regardless of whether he has a problem with drinking or not, there’s a communication problem at the core of your relationship. If it’s possible for you two to seek out marriage counseling, and if he’ll participate, I’d strongly suggest you seek that out. It may be the first step for him in resetting his relationship with alcohol.

But your other question was about how you can deal, which strikes me as a healthy approach for now. No matter what he chooses to do, you’ve got to take care of yourself. I know that you don’t believe he is an alcoholic, and it’s impossible for me to know one way or another. But I believe you’d really benefit from Al-Anon, simply because his drinking is negatively affecting you. Al-Anon is a support group that holds meetings in cities around the world to help those in relationship with people whose drinking is bothering them. Al-Anon, or another type of support or counseling, can help you navigate the frustration and the pain you’re experiencing and give you new tools for talking with your husband. I want to be clear that this isn’t a “you” problem. But there are problems in your relationship and there are things that you can do to protect yourself and to help yourself heal.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/05/mocking-accents-dear-prudence-advice.html

(There are several reader responses appended to the end of this column)

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LW seems pretty determined to stick to the line of "seriously, he doesn't need to drink every day" and "he can stop at just one" - but honestly, I think LW's just making excuses. Maybe they'd rather believe they're married to an asshole who could stop but choose not to instead of somebody who really can't stop despite the fact that alcohol turns him into an asshole.

Yeah, like, either he's an alcoholic with a serious problem who's in denial, or he's an asshole who deliberately chooses to drink as an excuse to be cruel to his wife and family. Or both.

Either way the problem is not that he has an occasional glass of bourbon.

Someone who "doesn't have to drink every day" who is drinking every day does, in fact, have to drink every day. I doubt that he is stopping at one every day, either, although LW claims he can.

He's an alcoholic. LW needs to accept that and plan accordingly.

Sorry, LW, he's an alcoholic.

"Is he an alcoholic or not?" is a distraction. It doesn't matter.

What matter is (1) he becomes obnoxious, accusatory, and oversensitive when he drinks, and (2) he continues to drink often, and (3) his response to "you become obnoxious, accusatory, and oversensitive" is "you're trying to control me."

The LW should stop doing root-cause analysis and just focus on putting some boundaries around the intolerable behaviors. It doesn't matter whether he slings accusations because of brandy or because of Mercury retrograde -- if LW asks him to stop, he should stop.

LW will probably require individual counseling to learn how to do this, and it probably won't be easy at all, and I'm not optimistic about LW getting free of obnoxious behavior by any method other than divorce.

Exactly. If he were having a drink or two every day and remained a pleasant and decent person while drinking, the LW would likely never complain. (My ex-MIL would drink a beer and play solitaire in the evening as part of her winding-down routine, and as far as I can tell her alcohol use was/is no more a problem than another person's caffeine use.)

The jerky behavior and his unwillingness to deal with it is the problem..

as someone who had a partner that used this criteria was "hes totally not an alcoholic"... ... he ABSOLUTELY was an alcoholic.

I feel badly for LW. They deserve better.

My mother has a glass of wine, sometimes two, every day. Very normal in her culture. She never slurs her words, becomes accusatory, or hurts people.

"Daily or not (quite)" is a red herring. LW's husband drinks way too much. It affects his behavior, and it damages his relationships, especially his marriage. And he is most definitely an alcoholic.